Finding Me Again

If you would’ve told highschool me, that weight would’ve been a struggle, I would’ve laughed in your face. I was a 110 lbs max and could finish a foot long double meat sub sandwich with a large chips, drink and cookie in minutes. 

Then fast forward to college me. A little heavier but still good. My stomach was still flat, but I had more curves. I’ll allow it.

After college i definitely put on the pounds, while preparing for married life, but if you asked me, i was just getting "fine"

Then I had a false pregnancy with in a few months of marriage

Then the birth of my daughter and a miscarriage with in the next 3 years. There was this  post college, post wedding, post baby, struggling in my marriage, working full time, in grad school body and I was BIG y’all!

 Then suddenly I found myself a widow. Depression set in. I barely ate, worked out ALOT and when I did eat, it was mostly shakes and smoothies! But man... I was down 40lbs and receiving attention and shout outs, which I thought would fill a void and but eventually that too subsided

Eventually I found myself in a good and happy place.  I remarried to an amazing guy and am truly happy. I gained a little weight back but overall was still doing ok

 Fast forward 3 years. In a better place, and my waistline shows. 

Yall know I love a selfie, but when it got to a point, that there were no good angles, I had to do something. I started working with a health coach and became more intentional on taking my probiotics. 

I was placed on a strict regimen that limits my calories and carbs and really made me rethink the way I see food, and why I find it a comfort. 

 I'm not gonna lie, the first 3 days were Horr-I-Ble!!! I legit told my husband, this was how i was going to die. But after week 2, it really wasn't that bad. 

Fast forward to  week 4. Y’all I  was scared to look at the scale, so I weighed in Tuesday, just in case i ate too much Thursday and the numbers were crazy high on my official weigh in day.  On Thursday , I ate and enjoyed the carbs , but I stopped when full and drank a full glass of water 1st when I wanted seconds.

I chose not to make my favorite desserts, so not to tempt my self. 

I weighed in Friday as I was supposed to, and was down 1/2 of a lb more.

One month and 10.4 lbs gone. 

In my mind that didn’t seem like a lot.

Especially when i look in the mirror 😢

But then I remembered the pic below.

  I had to remind myself not to revert to negative self speak and to celebrate victories even if they seemed small. That it took 3 years for me to get here, so it may take a some months to get to where I want to be, and build the skills to maintain it. 

Y’all I have thought about this process for months, maybe years, tried a ton of different things and had a million and excuses.
- it costs too much (actually I spend about the same as I had been spending on lunch)
- the food will be gross. (Am I eating to live or living to eat? And the food isn’t as bad as I thought)
- I will miss my coffee too much (I still can have a skinny vanilla)
- what about my bread🧐?  I ️ bread (it’s all about moderation. And I’m pretty sure bread ️s me too, which is why it sticks on my waist line)

So while I was so worried about all that I would miss out on, I didn’t imagine what I would gain:

- knowledge about what I can and can’t eat
- self discipline to say no
- confidence in myself to start something and stick with it.
- learning to cook food that tastes good and doesn’t hurt my body
- energy to clean the house and cook a whole thanksgiving meal with out needing multiple breaks
- the knowledge of looking at a menu before going to a restaurant so I can choose wisely

So here's to the journey.  Feel free to join me! 

sooooo... yeah! that just happened

So i've gotten a few questions about how i got married yesterday..... I think my family was even pretty shocked and confused, because i'm typically a planner, but it LITERALLY just happened... on Friday the 13th at that.  How's that for a Freaky Friday lol?!?!?!


So how it all began...

We were planning to get married September 30th...
We have a venue...
We have a caterer...
The Dress has been ordered...
Invitations are sitting in a box next to my bed...
I'm studying for my principals exams, and in grad school...
We had un expected medical emergencies come up in the family...

There was a lot on my plate, to say the least and i've been super stressed.

For paperwork purposes, we knew we needed to get legally married prior to the ceremony, so since we were both off, we went to go get our license, and "SCHEDULE" a wedding with the judge.

Like seriously... i have on flip flops and a tank top.  I've been working moving my office, my hair is in a bun, and i have no make up on... aint no way i would've gone without at least some fake lashes if i knew...

As we are filling out the papers, the clerk, is joking with us about something, and i mention that D is active duty military. She thanks him for his service and says, ok well, we can waive the waiting period and marry y'all right now. Just walk across the parking lot and see which judge is available.

We laugh it off, and are like ok, we will go see. I think in both our minds, we were thinking its 30 mins before they close, we will probably book something the next week. no biggie...

when we get there, they tell us, ok! jut go across the hall and the judge will see you in a few minutes. 😂 Like y'all we didn't even have a witness... which apparently you don't actually need... lol

I text my mom, and tell her, "i'm getting married... like right now!"

They called us in, the Judge introduced himself, and asked if we had rings...
"ummmm I do. he doesn't.  we didn't really think we were going to get married"
judge: do you want to
us: yes

YALL he pulls out box of little fake rings, that we had to stretch for D's finger lol, and was like problem solved...

And just like that. WE GOT MARRIED... 😍

the judge took our picture, and he also took asked to take a selfie

Suddenly all the stress i had faded and it was just that simple.
We called our moms, because that kinds deserves a phone call to your momma, and texted everyone else.

Then we went to target and bought a plunger and some draino lol

and thats our story....

So if that isn't "LIFE UNIMAGINED" idk what is...

the psychic ....

if only there was a way to tag my bridesmaids in this post.... and i feel as if there was a prior post about this, i may just need to do some digging through my old blogs... so i guess ill just have to start from the beginning *shrugs*

prior to Sean and I's wedding, i had my bachelorette party in New Orleans, and while there aren't many stories i can share from that trip, lol,  this is one of them...

One morning, some of the girls and I decided to get up early and do a little sight seeing.  We would explore the town and check out some of the street vendors. While walking in Jackson Square, a lady grabs my hand and says she needs to speak to me. Pretty sure that she could tell by the look on my face that I was clearly frightened when a stranger grabbed my hand. When I looked around I saw an empty palm reader table and quickly informed her that i didn't believe in psychics.  She stated to me that she knew I was a non believer but had a very important message for me, so she would need to tell me about my past and current, before she could tell me my future.

She said that she had a message from my grandmother who had just passed away, and that i had told her something when i was alone with her after she passed at the hospital.
" She wants you to know that she was still there and heard everything you said.  She is sorry about what happened and understands and loves you too."

I immediately began to ball.  She asked me was i willing to listen now, obviously i said yes and sat down.

"You are getting married soon..." (now mind you i had on NO items to signify my engagement, not even my ring, i had actually taken it off to clean it and left it in the hotel room) "and you are wondering, if this is the right decision, the answer is yes."  

And again I began to cry.  Just a few weeks prior, Sean and I had our first real argument about his drinking, and we had discussed cancelling the wedding.  At this point deposits were paid, he had just transferred to Dallas, and we ended up talking it all out, but this was the first time I  was honestly concerned that he had a problem. I remember my cousin Arry and Lisha holding my hand and us just listening to everything she said, while i cried...

" This marriage is meant to happen and apart of your journey. About a year after you are married you will have a daughter.  she will be smart and beautiful and the light of your lives. She will help you... i need you to understand me, things will get VERY HARD, and VERY BAD before they get better. You must push through, and no matter what, STAY IN YOUR MARRIAGE... you will want to give up at times, and when times get hard remember to turn to God and your family..." 

and i just continued to cry... i mean this isn't the most optimistic story going so far here

"Once you can get through the hard times, eventually things will turn out better.  Eventually you will have two sons, very close in age.  Older than your daughter, i see twins, so if not twins close in age"

she repeated this part multiple times and it was very confusing at the time...

"you will be very close to one, and your husband to the other, you will be the protector of one..." 

i remember thinking that i thought she was confused and maybe picking up a reference to our family and not me, as this storyline sounded familiar, but listened anyway.

"you will eventually have another child, but when you least expect it, and it will be a son.  you will live a long and happy life, but whenever times are hard you must remember to turn to your faith, and remember to just keep praying."

When she finished i tried to pay her but she refused to accept my money.  I cried the entire way back to the hotel.  Sitting now its been almost 11 years since that day, and most of her fortune has come to fruition.  If that last part does, L will be a little disappointed, as she still prays for a sister almost daily, and is convinced that D and I "just won't give her one" lol!

But Lani was born 13 days after our second anniversary, and is the most incredible little girl i could've ever prayed for.

If you follow my blog, then you know the spectrum of how difficult things became....


And I am now I am the happiest I've ever been, and I've ended up with "two older sons" who are a year apart in age, and one who I'm constantly protecting from a butt whooping lol.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future... Jeremiah 29:11

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HOW TO MACK ORBEEZ! how to mack orbeez you can eat you candy them from the store or either mack them they feel so weed or like jell-O  you will need jellotin salt food coloring corserup water manaez som fish oral wipkreem some backindsoeda crashed hot cheetoes som eggs some marshmelos some bilk wick the eggs a bole then put it in to the bol masher you mixe them to gather add the blue food coloring alittel bit of tip ckreem lots of mellow tin come cornserup some eggs masher you mix ti very well mixit at shreemlee well put it into the exsperwell gals tanner your a screener to get the foam out and mack it all lies and bottufal put it in there for a whole daycerfulee tack it out be cereal there not nies they are frajall  then you can eat it it is not my resume  and i down on his name .

hello... it's me...

so how many of you said that in Adele's voice .....lol! i totally sang it in my head in Adele's voice as i typed it! (but the title will make sense later) My posts have been pretty far and few between lately, but ive had ALOT on my plate

The last few months have been difficult.  Returning to grad school has been stressful. I've been battling a new symptom to my allergies that was causing me to break out in hives 2-3 times a week, which resulted in a whole new, and much larger allergy regimen, and steroids to strengthen my system. The steroids, caused weight gain; weight gain caused stress...  the boyfriend made a comment about the weight (audible gasp by the ladies here), which caused more stress... more stress lead to more migraines ... shall i continue... its been rough....

Recently i talked to my mom about things getting better, and being happy to finally being off of steroids and getting the migraines under control, and feeling like while ok... we are on the path again...

ok so fast forward a few days... somehow i upgraded my account recently and now my phone can play music for my morning alarm.  i notice for the last 3 days the exact same song comes on.  Normally i just turn it off but i figured, this was pretty odd, since it was pandora, and the songs are "random", so i let it play today.

so needless to say im crying... then the next song comes on, which is one of my favorite songs and clearly telling me things will get better.  i still remember the day my girl Libby sent it to me and told me to list for the first time  

so clearly im balling now... so im asking myself is this a sign... or am i just being crazy... and then this comes on



so as you can imagine i am literally shaking!!!shaking!!! and balling... like can you imagine being me and hearing these 3 songs back to back... and adele says "hello from the other side"😳

i swear i will never listen to this song the same way again.

i legit was freaking out... so thankful Marieanne was able to calm me down because

so for those wondering at work why yesterday was a 1 or a 2....now you know

soundtrack to my life lll- aka my casket playlist

if you've been following my blog for a while, you know i love a good play list, aka the soundtrack to my life.  yesterday in training, my new principal asked a very interesting question.

 "there is a company that has designed a casket that will play music.  the key is that you only get 1 soon... FOREVER... so if you could pick a casket song, what would it be?"

i immediately chose Butterfly by Mariah Carey, circa 1998 tho... not this 2017 Carey...

the more i sat and thought, the more i felt maybe this wouldnt be my current song, and further more, I'm an 80's baby, so there would be a mix tap fo sho !!!

So... with out further ado (i think thats how you spell it )...  here is my casket mixtape:
(what would be on yours...)



for every time someone tried to stop my journey:

 for every time i showed them who i really was:

 how i learned to live:

 what i still find myself praying  for at times :

 what i often find myself asking when times get tough:

 and the response im often given:


and what i learn time and time again and  so often have to remind myself:


and then i remember who i am :

p.s. i love you....'

today i watched it...
i know what you're thinking, "a widow watching p.s. i love you is a recipe for disaster."

i didn't make it through the first 20 minutes last time i watched, but today i watched it in it's entirety.
today i saw a different side of the movie.
its not just about a widow, but about her finding herself.
and it dawned on me how we all go through our own journey to find ourselves.
and while i'm 99.99% sure most of our journeys aren't fabulously orchestrated by our late spouse, the journey is key.

for 15 years we were "Sean and Ashley" ...
and for a long time i didn't know what i was without Sean...
because in the good times, the turmoil, the happiness and the chaos, we were still a unit...

so the question became, what was i now?

i remember the first time i filled out a form and had to check my marital status

- single
- married
- divorce

those were my only options, and i didn't feel like any applied to me

so who was i?

what was i?

it took the last few years for me to figure that out.
to reach a place where i know who i am.

there were many tear filled nights, and panicked breakdowns.
there were so many nights alone, and lucid dreams where i'm sure that reality and the dream world converged for a while.

there was confusion and unanswered questions for both myself and my child

how could i answer her questions?
who was going to answer my questions?

and then i remembered what the pastor told me when they came to visit...

"ask God all the questions you want.... be angry... be mad... but know that he might not answer all of them, and they may not be the answers you wanted to hear."

you see sometimes God calms the storm, but other times he allows the storm to rage on and move us to where we need to be...

The last 3 years have definitely moved me, but they also allowed me to find myself

i am
... a black woman
... a believer in God's power
... a mother
... a daughter
... a sister
... an educator
... Ashley

and yes i am a widow,  but am no longer defined by this.
It is a facet of who i am.