Monday, June 22, 2015

Split Personality....

I've alluded before about how at times I feel like I have to have "split personalities" being a widow.  This  has definitely been the case the last few days...

As we get closer to Sean's Angel day i feel like these feelings intensify more and more... 

The days and weeks leading up replay through my mind and they were incredibly angry and negative.  Definitely not the last memories of Sean that I would like to have for myself or Lani.
Often i think maybe she's forgotten most of it, because I try not to dwell on the negative with her, but occasionally she will mention something, and it verifies just how much she really does remember.

The bigger conflict, is while he wasn't always the best husband, HE WAS AN AMAZING DAD.  So I don't ever want my resentment to tarnish her memories and view of him. It leaves me feeling convicted pretty often.  I mean the Bible says we should honor our husband and how do you do that when you have resentment towards that person?

I often find myself asking Sean (in my mind, i'm quite aware that he can't respond)

Was it really worth all of this?
Did you really want to leave Lani without a dad?
Why couldn't you have just gotten your shit together?
Weren't we worth the fight?
Did you really want someone else to walk her down the isle or escort her to the father daughter dance?

Its almost like my initial anger at God and others, has now moved just to Sean. So while i should be planning a way to celebrate his life, I'm just pissed at him and thinking why should I celebrate this? This isn't a happy occasion...

And then i'm reminded because of Lani.  
Because she deserves to celebrate her dad and her happy memories
And as her mom its my job to insure that.  

Sometimes i find myself reflecting on my wedding day...
specifically this moment... I've never shown anyone these particular pics because of the memories that are attached to them for me... 

I had bent and broken a bobby pin fully in half and thought it was a sign from God

I began to ball uncontrollably.
 I was sweating and starting to hyperventilate.
I remember my cousin Arry fanning me and telling me it was just cold feet.
And my friend Letty searching for a fan and something for me to drink.
I had gone into a private room away from all the other bridesmaids and just cried.

Thoughts were going through my head like crazy.
A few nights before Sean had threatened to call of the wedding and  now I was considering the same thing. 
Over 500 guest...
My parents had spent...  well lets just say they could've bout a new home..
Family... Friends who traveled from all over
I would be disappointing everyone... 

I just kept thinking does everyone feel this way before they get married, or was this the sign i was asking God for?

But all i could think to myself was what the gypsy in NOLA told me...

(she gave me a reflection of my past current and future... not sure i've ever shared the entire story on her... maybe that will be a future post...)

"You are worried whether or not you should really get married...
you two are meant to be, but this will not be easy...
thing will start out good, and then they will get bad, and eventually they will be really bad (specifically after your daughter is born)...
but you must stick through it, and in the end it will all be worth it"

When i first told Sean, he told me to never listen to "sleuth sayers" but later through out our marriage he would say that we were just going through the "difficult time" and eventually we would both be happy. 

I remember thinking that day... Do i want to knowingly put myself through very hard times.
This would be my last chance to back out, because i believe marriage is for life.  
But she said it would be be ok, and eventually i would have my happy ending, so i would just have to go into things knowing that one day things would be VERY difficult, and eventually there would be a light at the end of the tunnel

So my Mom wiped my tears away

 and walked down the isle.

Crying and shaking, and my God Father telling me that he had me, and i was ok.  
(my dad had already walked 2 daughters down, so he was ok with my God Father walking me down)

So we said our vows

And began what we though would be our fairytale with a looming hard time in the future

Little did either of us know that the hard times wouldn't be us together but me alone. 

So as I sit here and reflect on the past 8 years (15 all together) especially the last year, i find myself constantly questioning did i make the right decision that day?
And if i knew what all "very difficult" meant would i have still gone through with it...

but then i see this face and i know the gypsy was right... 

all the pain,

all the heartache,

all the confusion...

all the tears...

and all the laughs and love that happened too..

She was worth every second of it

1 comment:

  1. Your story is far from over honey. This is a new chapter. Buckle you're seat belt beautiful. You be encouraged you have a beautiful daughter. 😂 I'm proud of you, you're stronger than you know.


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