back at one....

it seems like i've returned to day one of my adult life...
Hell possibly day one of my teenage life too...
Feeling even more lost than i did a year ago....

You see a year ago i was in a daze...  for a while
I just became a widow, but felt constantly reminded that while becoming a widow i was still separated from Sean when this happened.
So did i deserve to be broken hearted still?
Did that devalue my role as his wife, because we were separated?
Would anyone ever love me again?
Odd question i know, but very real...
I remember sitting in the den probably, a day or two after Sean passed, talking to Amir, and telling him that no one would ever love me again....
I mean despite our disfunction (and it was quite dysfunctional) there was no doubt how much we loved each other.  Quite honestly, I always thought that our love would be the death of us.

So why would someone want to marry a middle aged widow and single mom, when they could find someone who was new and fresh, and someone who wasn't damaged and broken.
A year later that feeling is still there... but differently ....

Will anyone that i love, ever love me?
(and this is not the point where I'm expecting everyone to tell me it will happen. just wait, give it time, etc.  this is me venting)

You see i've always had this thing about falling for people who don't fall for me, or weren't exactly good for me...

Call it a fatal flaw, but so true.
They end up being on of my best friends or breaking my heart...
There really is no in between
And the ones who were probably best for me, and loved me i never loved them...

Maybe its the challenge?
idk
But now a year later i still have this hole, a different hole, but a very large hole.
At 32 this is the longest i've gone without a relationship (crazy i know).
Prior to that i think maybe 3 months.....
Its almost i don't know how to be myself and be single...
Call me codependent, but i enjoy having a partner...
Someone to discuss my plans and bounce my feelings off of.

You see when other people grew up they wanted to be a doctor or a lawyer or a singer...

But me, I wanted to be a teacher, wife and a mom.
Thats it.
And more the latter two, than anything else.

You see I enjoy cooking for a husband...
I want to have more babies...
If you look at my love language and personality, i'm a caterer and acts of service kind of person
So when i can't do that, it seems like that purpose is missing
I had a vision for my life....

And now all that seems not only gone, but impossible...

You know i always try to be an optimist and say that you shouldn't speak negativity into reality, so as i write this, my subconscious is like, "this is totally bad juju ash".  but this is currently my reality.

I am back at one, experiencing what feels like should have been my teenage years for the first time...
And it sucks...

I read a quote today that said, "you can't accompany anyone ins life, until you can be that company for yourself..."

But how do you do that...
I've never had to fill that roll for myself...
I'm great at being a girlfriend, a mother and a wife....
ITs all I've ever really known.
So how do i accompany myself?
I'm not even sure i know what it means to accompany myself...

All i know is that in this moment, with a million people around me i feel very alone.
And i just keep waiting for that person to find me...
Someone who will take my heart and take care of it like their own
and love me despite my frayed and damaged edges
because ultimately i feel like i have so much to offer and no one to give it to

nothing seems to describe it better than "Make it To Me" by Sam Smith

My mind runs away to you
With the thoughts I hope you'll see
Can't see where it's wandered to
But I know where it wants to be

I'm waiting patiently though time is moving slow
I have one vacancy and I wanted you to know that

You're the one designed for me
A distant stranger that I will complete
I know you're out there we're meant to be
So keep your head up and make it to me
And make it to me

So sick of this lonely air
It seems such a waste of breath
So much that I need to share
So much to get off my chest

I'm waiting patiently though time is moving slow
I have one vacancy and I wanted you to know that

You're the one designed for me
A distant stranger that I will complete
I know you're out there we're meant to be
So keep your head up and make it to me
Make it to me

525,600 Minutes

Warning: this is my legit feelings and memories right now, so it may be a bit too much for some to read.

525,600 minutes later, it still seems like yesterday.
it often replays like a movie in my head...

I remember waking up on the boat with sure panic and heartache... somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico or possibly on the Mississippi River at this point, I was convinced something was wrong, and in my heart I knew he was already gone. 

We went through calling and texting everyone we could think of...

After hours on the phone and going through the chain of command with the police department all the way to the damn chief of police, my phone rang and it was official.

"Hello Mrs. Harris, this is Lt. _______... Are you driving?"
"No""...I'm sorry Mrs. Harris, your husband is deceased."
I called my next door neighbor, because clearly the police officer was wrong, but she said it was true.
The next call was his mom, a call I never expected to make. Not even sure what I told her...


Four hours away, somewhere in Louisiana, our 4 yo daughter in the back seat asking where is daddy and why cant she talk to him?

We switched cars, so that my dad could take Lani home and i could go to the house.

I remember pulling up and seeing the coroner's van...
I remember seeing Shawn, Momma Wiliams, and my brother standing in the yard...
I remember collapsing right there...
Even more so i remember a neighbor coming over smiling and asking "whats going on? in a joking manner, and thinking "b*tch don't you see the cop cars and coroner van? wtf do you think is going on??? (but i digress)"
I remember begging to see him...
I remember the Detective apologizing, giving me his condolences and telling me that he didn't suggest i see anything. It seemed Sean had a heart attack a day or so before.  He told me i should just sign the paper to release Sean's body, then get back into the car until they were done....
I never got to see him...
I never got to hold his hand...
I never got to say a legit goodbye...
I remember my dog Bez busting out of the neighbors house and running to me and knocking me down... (but now that i think about it, this may have been a different day)
I had to go tell Lani still....
What do i say...
how do i say it...
how can i break my childs heart
I had to sit down with a 4 year old and tell her that her Hero, her best friend, and her father had died.

I told her as soon as we got home, that daddy died and went to heaven like our puppy Bella,  and she let out the loudest scream i ever heard. then she balled up in my lap and cried herself to sleep.

I remember my mother in law and cousin Walter pulling up late that night to my parents house and just looking at her feeling like i had no idea what to say.  I had lost my husband, but SHE HAD LOST HER CHILD. 
I still can't fathom what that must have felt like.
I... I.... I... all those I's 
it still seems so selfish and self centered as i recount those days

The next 24 hours was basically a blur. I was supposed to be making plans but I just remember walking in circles around the cul de sac in my parents' neighborhood and staring at the clouds and crying. my phone rang nonstop with calls and messages as people began to find out.  Someone had posted on Facebook already so the news spread so very fast. 

I don't remember calling family and friends but i do remember them showing up. I can't tell you who was there, i just remember a blur of people all around, who kept saying you need to eat.  but i wasn't hungry.  

We had a million things to do... i needed to call the coroners office and a funeral home and the insurance company and all this shit that I never expected to deal with....

All that kept ringing through my head, was him telling me that he had a bad feeling and just felt like something was wrong, and that he didn't think he would be alive when we returned...

I flipped and flopped between anger and heartache...
why didn't you give me more warning???
You could've chosen to get help...
You could've gone to the doctor...
why didn't I stay???
We should've at least been together and happily married when all this is happening.
Why did God do this to us?
What did we ever do to deserve this?
What will Lani remember?
Where will we go from here?
how will we pay our bills?
Was he in pain?
Was it quick?
What was going through his mind as all this happened?
Did he even have time to think?
Did he cry?
What will everyone else think? 
I hope they know this was natural.
What if people start rumors?
Why should i care what others think?
When will this nightmare end?
Why did God hate me so much to make this my reality?


Lots of questions...
Not a lot of answers

A year later we are much more functional than we were that day.
Our hearts still hurt
And we all still have a hole in our hearts, that will never fully be filled

Split Personality....

I've alluded before about how at times I feel like I have to have "split personalities" being a widow.  This  has definitely been the case the last few days...

As we get closer to Sean's Angel day i feel like these feelings intensify more and more... 

The days and weeks leading up replay through my mind and they were incredibly angry and negative.  Definitely not the last memories of Sean that I would like to have for myself or Lani.

Often i think maybe she's forgotten most of it, because I try not to dwell on the negative with her, but occasionally she will mention something, and it verifies just how much she really does remember.

The bigger conflict, is while he wasn't always the best husband, HE WAS AN AMAZING DAD.  So I don't ever want my resentment to tarnish her memories and view of him. It leaves me feeling convicted pretty often.  I mean the Bible says we should honor our husband and how do you do that when you have resentment towards that person?

I often find myself asking Sean (in my mind, i'm quite aware that he can't respond)

Was it really worth all of this?

Did you really want to leave Lani without a dad?

Why couldn't you have just gotten your shit together?

Weren't we worth the fight?

Did you really want someone else to walk her down the isle or escort her to the father daughter dance?

Its almost like my initial anger at God and others, has now moved just to Sean. So while i should be planning a way to celebrate his life, I'm just pissed at him and thinking why should I celebrate this? This isn't a happy occasion...

And then i'm reminded because of Lani.  

Because she deserves to celebrate her dad and her happy memories

And as her mom its my job to insure that.  

Sometimes i find myself reflecting on my wedding day...

specifically this moment... I've never shown anyone these particular pics because of the memories that are attached to them for me... 

I had bent and broken a bobby pin fully in half and thought it was a sign from God

I began to ball uncontrollably.

 I was sweating and starting to hyperventilate.

I remember my cousin Arry fanning me and telling me it was just cold feet.

And my friend Letty searching for a fan and something for me to drink.

I had gone into a private room away from all the other bridesmaids and just cried.

Thoughts were going through my head like crazy.

A few nights before Sean had threatened to call of the wedding and  now I was considering the same thing. 

Over 500 guest...

My parents had spent...  well lets just say they could've bout a new home..

Caterers...

Flowers...

Family... Friends who traveled from all over

Sean...

I would be disappointing everyone... 

I just kept thinking does everyone feel this way before they get married, or was this the sign i was asking God for?

But all i could think to myself was what the gypsy in NOLA told me...

(she gave me a reflection of my past current and future... not sure i've ever shared the entire story on her... maybe that will be a future post...)

"You are worried whether or not you should really get married...

you two are meant to be, but this will not be easy...

thing will start out good, and then they will get bad, and eventually they will be really bad (specifically after your daughter is born)...

but you must stick through it, and in the end it will all be worth it"

When i first told Sean, he told me to never listen to "sleuth sayers" but later through out our marriage he would say that we were just going through the "difficult time" and eventually we would both be happy. 

I remember thinking that day... Do i want to knowingly put myself through very hard times.

This would be my last chance to back out, because i believe marriage is for life.  

But she said it would be be ok, and eventually i would have my happy ending, so i would just have to go into things knowing that one day things would be VERY difficult, and eventually there would be a light at the end of the tunnel

So my Mom wiped my tears away

 and walked down the isle.

Crying and shaking, and my God Father telling me that he had me, and i was ok.  

(my dad had already walked 2 daughters down, so he was ok with my God Father walking me down)

So we said our vows

And began what we though would be our fairytale with a looming hard time in the future

Little did either of us know that the hard times wouldn't be us together but me alone. 

So as I sit here and reflect on the past 8 years (15 all together) especially the last year, i find myself constantly questioning did i make the right decision that day?

And if i knew what all "very difficult" meant would i have still gone through with it...

but then i see this face and i know the gypsy was right... 

all the pain,

all the heartache,

all the confusion...

all the tears...

and all the laughs and love that happened too..

She was worth every second of it

A Moment In Heaven...

note: i actually typed this on the flight to el paso and while i was there but wasn't sure if i wanted to post it, but in light of fathers day, i've decided to share it

Our first trip back to El Paso since Sean’s passing and my anxiety is on a 110!!! 

What will it be like?

How will i go into his house and room (which mind you he never really lived in, but its still his stuff) without him?

How will i have dinner with his family without him?

It just seems wrong to be visiting his family (our family too, but you know what i mean) without him.

I immediately begin to feel the anxiety creeping up to 210… 

This just feels wrong… But it has to be done.  

It'll be like ripping off a bandage; once it's done it done

When we got on the plane Lani really wanted to sit by the window, which was fine since we had the entire row to ourselves.  (Plus Sean always like the window seat so I’m pretty used to riding scrub) 

While we were “approaching our desired altitude” there were the MOST beautiful clouds i’ve ever seen.  I made the mistake of commenting that it looks like heaven.

Why did I say that?

She got so excited.  "If we are in heaven then we will see Daddy?” with the biggest smile you’ve ever seen

~ Cue tears :(

What do you say to that??? I was speechless. 

~As perceptive as she is, she immediately noticed my expression, and responded, “we aren’t going to see him are we?” 

Still quiet.

Still with tears.

Still heartbroken for her.

How many times in the last 10 months has she felt this way?

How many times in the next 70+ years will she feel this way?

And how many times will i be left unable to speak? 

Im her mom.

I’m supposed to be able to answer her questions and comfort her broken heart, but this is something I just can’t fix.  

It was an evening flight, so i tried to close the blinds and get her to take a nap, but she wanted them to stay open, just in case daddy made an appearance. Eventually she dozed off a bit, but would wake up occasionally and peak out the window. Each time with the same hope and heartache in her eyes

So as the sun set  over the mountains as we were landing, she squeezed my hand 3 times and said the sweetest thing. I saw Daddy in my dreams mommy.  He was standing in the clouds and smiled and waved at me.  He was on a far cloud but i heard him say i love you."

She had the sweetest smile and happiest look on her face.
You see thats the beauty and magic that still lies in her youth and innocence. Despite everything the universe has thrown her way, she maintains her faith, and it carries her through the hard moments when I don't know what else to do.

So i thank God for continuing to bless her with moments with Sean, especially her brief one in heaven.   

410,400 minutes....

its been 285 days since Sean passed away...  Thats 410,400 minutes.... 24,624,000 seconds.......

and sometimes it feels like yesterday...

Most days are good days.  That doesn't mean I don't miss Sean or the hurt isn't still present, it does mean that days are much more possible then they were in the beginning.

But that doesn't mean that there aren't bad days either.  

In fact some days are absolutely debilitating. 

And I say this because people think grief is path that looks exactly like this...

 

However, it actually much more like... 

A constant cycle between the seven stages, that lasts a lifetime, not just the week of the funeral.

And i say this because over the last 9 months and 11 days, I've had lots of people comment on where they believe i should be in this journey.  

"Do you think you are ready for ....."

"why haven't you...."

"don't you think you should..."

And the answer to all of these is "NO"

No you don't have the right to judge and decide where I should be on this journey, and even more so grief is not a straight 7 step, one week, one month, or one year journey.

You see when you get married, your bond with your spouse becomes infinite; especially when you have children. It goes for a lifetime. So twenty years from now the answer to these questions will still be NO.  I will never be ready... I will never know what to do... I will never know the right answers... and despite any struggles we've had i will always miss my husband and my friend, but each day I get a little stronger and move a little further in my journey. 

So if it seems like i have high and lows and great days and bad days, its because that is the truly what grief looks like.  

Not whatever text book simplified journey you thought it should be ... maybe i'm a tad bit in the angry phase today too...lol... and thats ok, because in grief we laugh, we cry, we smile, we get angry, and we do it all over again. But if we are able to do all of this then that means that we are still living, and that is truly 99.9% of the battle

The Quiet is So Loud

After being in a relationships for almost 1/2 of my life (legitimately 17 of my 32 years), being alone is sometimes devastating.   There were times i would pray for quietness and alone time, and now my life is full of it.

At night when Lani goes to sleep, or in the morning before she wakes, all thats left is the quiet....the still... and more alone time than i ever knew existed.

You look for company, friends, family to help fill void, but when it all boils down to it, the void is still there. You look around and see no one.

And suddenly the quiet that I once craved, seems so loud.  Almost deafening.

Dealing with feelings and emotions that i didn't expect to experience until my 70's or at least my 60's.  But here i am 32 and living the life i never imagined, and experiencing a silence that seems so loud.

People keep telling me that 2015 will be a big year for me, and I hope that is true

Life Unimagined

When I was a child I used to imagine that growing up and getting married was like a fairytale.  The castle, prince charming and of course the "happily ever after"!

As I grew up I learned that what I imagined was just that, A Fairytale.

And while some moments in life had been fairytalesque (yes i know thats not a word), life for me would be anything but that.  There would be highs and low,  good times and bad,  joy and heartache, and everything in between.

This time of year we take time to reflect on what we are thankful for...
In the past my list has been pretty typical:
1. my husband
2. my daughter
3. my family
4. my home
5. God continuing to provide for us each and every day.

This year the holidays have brought about lots of fear and anxiety for me.  Forcing that list to change in ways i never imagined
1. God:  Despite the heartache that we have experienced this year, i can truly saw that my faith in God has increased in leaps and bounds.  Every time my faith begins to waiver, he comes in to remind me that he is still there, and still protecting and providing for us.
2.  The good times that Sean and I had together and the memories that he and Lani were able to form before he passed.  Even more so the fact that we were able to capture so much of it on video so when she grows she is able to look back and reflect/remember the time she had with her dad
2. my daughter:  She is one of the main reasons I've survived this year.  She forces me to get up when i'd rather stay in bed all day.  Reminds me that someone is constantly watching and imitating what i do, and that i must stand up and give her someone to look up to.
3. my mother: Who always has my back and supports my actions even when she doesn't agree with them
4. my AMAZING friends and support group: While they've always had my back, they have been my rock the last 6 months and i've said time and again i dont know where i would be with out them.  Something so small as our little group chats make each day better. there is always a joke popping in when i need a laugh the most.
5. my home: While for a lot of people staying in the house would be awkward,  it has been a place of comfort for lani and i, and while we will most likely move in the near future,  at this current point im thankful to have a roof over my head
6. My JOB: Not only am i thankful to have a career, but im thankful for the built in family that comes with it.  They have taken care of us over the last 10 years, but especially the last 5 months.


I think if anything i've learned this year, is to stop making my plans of what the future will bring and rest in sure that God's plan will happen either way.  Even more so i've learned that to stop imagining what my future will be, and just take everyday for what it is,  while living Life Unimagined.

A Soundtrack to Life II....

The last few months have been a whirlwind to say the least.... And while each day has it's painful moments, I can honestly say, I can see the light at the end and its so beautiful and clear...

So my soundtrack to life has changed a little

1. Pretty Wings by Maxwell:  Sean used to sing this song to my belly  when I was pregnant with Lani.  It was truly one of his favorite songs, and to be honest I never really listened to the words.  However on the one month anniversary of his death I heard this and I total got it.  Him leaving was giving us a chance to live the life he wish he could have given us....  The life we planned for and dreamed about as kids....The life that alcoholism had taken a way....  And it also helped me to realize that  he would want me to live my life and be happy....

2. Fix You by Cold Play: So describes how the last three years of my life were.  Constantly trying to help Sean overcome his demons and see the beautiful person that everyone else saw.  For such a great person, his insecurities were debilitating and kept him from every know how great he truly was

3. Make it to Me by Sam Smith  this song brings tears to my eyes for so many reasons.. while it reminds me of Sean, it also reminds me that there is someone else out there for me, and that this has all been a journey in my life but my road is not nearly complete

 4. Girls Just Want to Have (acoustic): This totally makes me think of my life right now, because i feel like the past 5 months has taught me to take advantage of the life God has given me and enjoy each day, but everyone wants me to be sad and depressed nonstop.  while i have moments of sadness and heartache, i feel like i constantly have to remind people that i didn't pass away as well, and each day I am choosing to live!

5. Drive by Incubus: This song just personifies me!  "Whatever tomorrow brings i'll be there, with open arms and open eyes."  I've been much more aware of the little things

6. Perfect by Alanis Morrisett:  For a very long time i felt like i had to be "Perfect."  That is a HUGE task to fill.  Honor roll, dean's list, college graduate, perfect wedding, SKINNY, well dressed, hair and makeup done, trophy wife, successful career.... and each time i didn't accomplish one of these task i felt like a failure at life.   That struggle with perfection actually was a major factor in my depression during college because i didn't feel like i was fulfilling the expectations that others had for me.  I remember being in middle school and hearing this  song for the first time and balling, thinking "WOW!" she put my feelings into words.  I think i am just finally getting to the point where I'm ok with my lack of perfection, self acceptance, and not really caring what others think as well.

7. Wide Open Spaces by the Dixie Chicks:  I feel like i spent so much time living my life to what i thought was expected of me, that now I'm finally exploring the world.  So at the moment I'm making mistakes and exploring my life with new eyes

8. Skyscraper (acoustic) by Demi Lovato~  What more needs to be said other than i will keep rising from the ground!

9. Awesome by Charles Jenkins~ This song has gotten me through so many days!  My GOD is SOOOO Awesome and the fact that i am still here today proves that. When i am down this calm wave just comes over me and suddenly i feel empowered and strengthened to fight another day

 
11. Break Free (Acoustic) by Jessie Micheals~ The first time i heard Break Free by Araiana Grande and Zedd i balled.  It totally made me reflect on my life and reminded me that i was strong enough to survive all of this.  I absolutely love acoustic versions of songs, especially this one.  I feel like you can feel the full emotion of the song.

The Battles....

I'm not only angry at others, but I have anger and regret at myself as well....

Every day I have this internal battle of "why didn't i stay in town?" ...  "maybe God didn't want me here when it happened"

"Why did i choose not to see him at the funeral home?" ...  "Did i really want my last memory of him to be that way?"

"Why didn't I fight harder to get him to go to the doctor?" ... "Would he have ever really went?"

"Why? Why? Why?"... "Would any of this make a difference?"

Thank God for Lani's crazy personality to constantly make me laugh or remind me that Daddy is watching over us, and as I try to be strong for her my heart constantly aches.

I try to convince myself that our separation was God's way to prepare me for this one day, but im not sure I truly believe that.  Nothing seems to prepare you for this...

Being in public send my anxiety through the roof, and seems like a constant reminder...
of all the families that are still happy and whole...
 All the babies we will never have....
Of how we were supposed to grow old together but didn't...
of daddies and daughters playing together and experiencing things that Lani never will...

Each new form i have to fill out for our new life...
the minute i get to the marital status line.... single or married....
i still feel married. i still have on my wedding ring. but i guess i'm single?!?!?
why isn't there a widow box?  That word widow is like a dagger in the heart

It is all so overwhelming and quite often i'd like to stay in the bed all day with the covers over my head. But thats not an option, because I'm a mom too.  And thank God for that.... I've said it time and again.  she is the main reason I'm alive today.

TMI....

I've received a lot of feedback regarding my honesty and openess in my blogs.  Some people think its TMI, while others find it helpful to themselves.

Quite honestly journaling has alway been a part of my life, and to me blogging is like the 2000's version of writing in a diary. i often reread old posts and reflect on them, or think of how my views have changed since then.

But if you know me, then you know that I'm a pretty open person. I've discussed my issues with my marriage; My fears about pregnancy and motherhood; My own internal struggles, whether it be weight loss, depression/anxiety, or even self esteem. Infact I tend to talk too much, which is something that I am working on.

Verbalizing and writing is HOW I COPE. Infact its alot more about me processesing my thoughts by hearing them outloud or rereading them, than it is about receiving feedback.  And while i do read the feedback and appreciate it, that is not my purpose here.

My thought is, I often feel like i'm the only one going through trials and everyone else's life is perfec; its part of that daily internal struggle of why me vs. why not me?  So if I feel that way, maybe someone else does too.

SN:Honestly, there have been quiet a few blogs that i never published, because they were just too personal