The anger has subsided and now loneliness has set in....
I miss my husband...
I miss the hugs...
the kisses...
your beautiful smile...
the laughter...
your smell...
the inside jokes...
holding me at night, and your scruff scratching my face and neck....
knowing my every secret, wish and goal in life...
i even miss the stupid arguments....
the long toe nails scratching me at night...
"wooking" with the door open...
the constant smell of beef jerky....
all the other annoying habits that i complained about for the last 14 years(funny i cant remember one specifically now)...
I regret not letting him hug me too tight, or by squeezing both arms, because I felt claustrophobic...
I regret not showing you more PDA, because it "wasn't appropriate" or was embarrassing.
I regret not being there with you as you left this world and holding your hand...
I look around and wonder where my life goes from here?
I feel so selfish asking this. I mean i should be greatful that God has spared our lives.
But it's honestly how I feel.
Why us???
What do i do now?
Who's going to love me now?
Why my husband?
Will I ever feel loved again?
Then I think of Lani and my heart breaks more.
She only had 4 1/2 years of having a dad... actually 4 years, 7 months, and 2 days. Some people get a lifetime of having a father. why not her?
Who will take her to daddy/daughter dances?
Who will walk her down the isle?
Who will give her advice about men?
Who will intimidate guys who want to date her?
Who will her future husband ask permission to marry his daughter?
Why did God decide that she didn't need to grow up with a daddy?
Will someone fill that void for her one day?
Do we want someone to fill that void?
What will she miss most?
I go back and forth in my mind of why God has done this.
I try to convince myself that this was for a reason.
In my mind I want to believe we were meant to be, but my heart wants to know why it wasn't meant to be forever.
So I sit and just wait for God's plan to unfold, while my heart remains broken.
There is no band-aide for this.
There is no cure for this pain.
... and we are just here.....
sad....
sitting.....
in the loneliness and full of questions
Sunday, August 24, 2014
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Dragonflies....
I've always had an obsession with butterflies and dragon flies....
Something about a living thing transforming into a completely different being, amazes me.
I remember being little and my grandmother telling me that dragonflies were spirits from people who have past, and they come back to guide you. I did a little research recently and this is a native america symbolism.
Philosophy of Life and Death
When the dragonfly larvae, or nymphs as they are called, are ready, they shed their casing and the graceful adult insect emerges. As much as this represents change, it can also be taken as a symbol of death, when the soul leaves the body. Also that the soul, after leaving the body, resides in a different realm, can be likened to the fact that the life of the dragonfly is also spent in two "realms". While the larval stage of the insect that is spent underwater, can be likened to life on earth, the emerging of the adult insect that has wings and is airborne, can be compared to the soul that is free from the body.
Read more at Buzzle: http://www.buzzle.com/articles/what-does-a-dragonfly-symbolize.html#general-symbolism
As a result i've always loved the movie Dragonfly....
Just the thought that our loved ones would find a way to come back to you and guide you, is just beautiful to me....
So..... story round about, since Sean has past (that still seems weird to say), we have seen dragonflies everywhere, especially the cemetery. Normally we only see one or two, but when we visit the cemetery there are swarms of them. Now normally that would kind of creep me out, but since Sean's passing it has brought me comfort. I have seen them every single day! The scientist in me is like, maybe it is just a coincidence, that he passed away during the peak of their metamorphosis season. But the romantic in me feels that it is Sean sending Lani and I loves! Every time she sees a dragonfly she is so excited. "Daddy came to visit us!" The way her face lights up, and she smiles, makes my heart smile.
So thank you Sean for the daily visual reminders that you are always watching over us! We love you a million xs a billion xs infinity
Something about a living thing transforming into a completely different being, amazes me.
I remember being little and my grandmother telling me that dragonflies were spirits from people who have past, and they come back to guide you. I did a little research recently and this is a native america symbolism.
Philosophy of Life and Death
When the dragonfly larvae, or nymphs as they are called, are ready, they shed their casing and the graceful adult insect emerges. As much as this represents change, it can also be taken as a symbol of death, when the soul leaves the body. Also that the soul, after leaving the body, resides in a different realm, can be likened to the fact that the life of the dragonfly is also spent in two "realms". While the larval stage of the insect that is spent underwater, can be likened to life on earth, the emerging of the adult insect that has wings and is airborne, can be compared to the soul that is free from the body.
Read more at Buzzle: http://www.buzzle.com/articles/what-does-a-dragonfly-symbolize.html#general-symbolism
As a result i've always loved the movie Dragonfly....
Just the thought that our loved ones would find a way to come back to you and guide you, is just beautiful to me....
So..... story round about, since Sean has past (that still seems weird to say), we have seen dragonflies everywhere, especially the cemetery. Normally we only see one or two, but when we visit the cemetery there are swarms of them. Now normally that would kind of creep me out, but since Sean's passing it has brought me comfort. I have seen them every single day! The scientist in me is like, maybe it is just a coincidence, that he passed away during the peak of their metamorphosis season. But the romantic in me feels that it is Sean sending Lani and I loves! Every time she sees a dragonfly she is so excited. "Daddy came to visit us!" The way her face lights up, and she smiles, makes my heart smile.
So thank you Sean for the daily visual reminders that you are always watching over us! We love you a million xs a billion xs infinity
Thursday, August 14, 2014
It Seems Like Yesterday....
Tomorrow is August 15th.
Officially one month since you went to heaven.
But today thursday is the day that stings.
Thursday was the day our lives changed forever.
4 weeks ago on thursday...
Exactly 40, 380 minutes ago.
In my past few posts the words just seemed to flow, and I was able to express pretty vividly how i was feeling.
But today i am lost for words.
Today i just miss you.
Today i wonder how time has continued when it seems like everything should have stopped.
So all i can say is that we love you, we miss you every minute of everyday, and we look forward to our dreams and pray each night that we will see you there.
See you soon my love... a million xs a billion xs infinity
Officially one month since you went to heaven.
But today thursday is the day that stings.
Thursday was the day our lives changed forever.
4 weeks ago on thursday...
Exactly 40, 380 minutes ago.
In my past few posts the words just seemed to flow, and I was able to express pretty vividly how i was feeling.
But today i am lost for words.
Today i just miss you.
Today i wonder how time has continued when it seems like everything should have stopped.
So all i can say is that we love you, we miss you every minute of everyday, and we look forward to our dreams and pray each night that we will see you there.
See you soon my love... a million xs a billion xs infinity
Saturday, August 9, 2014
3:02 am....
3:02 am... i looked at the clock to be sure it was real.... I've never had a dream that felt so real... one where I could smell, feel texture and warmth....
I felt a hand hold my hand. I could feel every grain and crease in your rough hands that fit perfectly to mine perfectly, and i knew it was you. And there it was... 3 squeezes... and i squeezed back 4 times...
I could feel you laying down beside me and holding me.
wrap your arms around me only the way you could... I could feel your warmth and that safe feeling...
I could feel your kisses on my cheeks and the back of my head and it was the best feeling in the world.
I asked if you were ok and happy?
You said "Yes" and that you loved me and missed me, and I told you I loved and missed you too.
you didn't sound super happy, but you weren't sad either. there was a calmness in your voice.
I was too scared to move to turn around and see you because if i was dreaming, this would end, and i'd much rather feel you and lay with you than nothing.
We talked some more. You said you were proud of me, and hanging with Grandma and your Dad!
In a flash you were laying in front of me. You had on a white t-shirt, your glasses, and black and red basketball shorts that i haven't seen in some time. I saw your beautiful face and you looked so perfect. You hugged and kissed Lani without waking her and told her you loved her.
Just as she jumped up you disappeared...
I looked at the clock again still 3:02... it seemed like an eternity, but the time hadn't changed... it just stood stil
She asked had i seen her sippy cup, and then for some milk. We looked for it, and couldn't find her cup so she just came and laid next to me and then she said it...
she had a great dream bout daddy that he kissed her and hugged her and told her he missed and loved his toom time bears...
Then she fell back to sleep...
I could hardly sleep again. Scared i'd miss another moment. That you'd appear again
At some point i dozed off, but woke up again to feel the blankets tucked all the way around me, like you would do when i was sick, and i knew it wasn't a dream...
I just lay there still.. feeling him...
Lani woke up a little later with the biggest smile on her face, and told me her story again this time in much more detail. She asked me to write it down on her notepad....
Daddy, Sean, Showed me Bella, Batchy, & Bailey
Then he said "Lani! Hey! theres my toom time bears!"
He came down to see me.
We had a conversation.
we had fun.
we went outside to play soccer, early when mommy was sleeping.
Daddy loves me, he always said he loved me forever before the bible.
Daddy is always with us.
He'll always be my friend.
The tears of joy and heartache have been streaming ... miss you so much my love... see you soon... a million x's a billion x's infinity
I felt a hand hold my hand. I could feel every grain and crease in your rough hands that fit perfectly to mine perfectly, and i knew it was you. And there it was... 3 squeezes... and i squeezed back 4 times...
I could feel you laying down beside me and holding me.
wrap your arms around me only the way you could... I could feel your warmth and that safe feeling...
I could feel your kisses on my cheeks and the back of my head and it was the best feeling in the world.
You said "Yes" and that you loved me and missed me, and I told you I loved and missed you too.
you didn't sound super happy, but you weren't sad either. there was a calmness in your voice.
I was too scared to move to turn around and see you because if i was dreaming, this would end, and i'd much rather feel you and lay with you than nothing.
We talked some more. You said you were proud of me, and hanging with Grandma and your Dad!
In a flash you were laying in front of me. You had on a white t-shirt, your glasses, and black and red basketball shorts that i haven't seen in some time. I saw your beautiful face and you looked so perfect. You hugged and kissed Lani without waking her and told her you loved her.
Just as she jumped up you disappeared...
I looked at the clock again still 3:02... it seemed like an eternity, but the time hadn't changed... it just stood stil
She asked had i seen her sippy cup, and then for some milk. We looked for it, and couldn't find her cup so she just came and laid next to me and then she said it...
she had a great dream bout daddy that he kissed her and hugged her and told her he missed and loved his toom time bears...
Then she fell back to sleep...
I could hardly sleep again. Scared i'd miss another moment. That you'd appear again
At some point i dozed off, but woke up again to feel the blankets tucked all the way around me, like you would do when i was sick, and i knew it wasn't a dream...
I just lay there still.. feeling him...
Lani woke up a little later with the biggest smile on her face, and told me her story again this time in much more detail. She asked me to write it down on her notepad....
Daddy, Sean, Showed me Bella, Batchy, & Bailey
Then he said "Lani! Hey! theres my toom time bears!"
He came down to see me.
We had a conversation.
we had fun.
we went outside to play soccer, early when mommy was sleeping.
Daddy loves me, he always said he loved me forever before the bible.
Daddy is always with us.
He'll always be my friend.
The tears of joy and heartache have been streaming ... miss you so much my love... see you soon... a million x's a billion x's infinity
Thursday, August 7, 2014
The Club....
3 weeks ago today our family was initiated into a club that none of us signed up for, wanted to be in or even really realized existed.
It was a club for people who experienced sudden loss of a loved one. For some it was a spouse, for others a parent or child....
At first my feelings were that their loss wasn't the same as mine, but that meant Lani's loss wasn't as significant as mine as well and thats just wrong.
My good friend told me "a loss is a loss." It is different for everyone in the situation but its still a significant loss.
The loss of a husband...
a father.
a son.
a brother.
a best friend
an uncle.
a son-in-law.
a brother in law
a nephew
a boss
a friend
and so on...
He played a significant role in so many peoples lives and we are all hurting.... differently but hurting....
It was a club for people who experienced sudden loss of a loved one. For some it was a spouse, for others a parent or child....
At first my feelings were that their loss wasn't the same as mine, but that meant Lani's loss wasn't as significant as mine as well and thats just wrong.
My good friend told me "a loss is a loss." It is different for everyone in the situation but its still a significant loss.
The loss of a husband...
a father.
a son.
a brother.
a best friend
an uncle.
a son-in-law.
a brother in law
a nephew
a boss
a friend
and so on...
He played a significant role in so many peoples lives and we are all hurting.... differently but hurting....
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
The Battles....
I'm not only angry at others, but I have anger and regret at myself as well....
Every day I have this internal battle of "why didn't i stay in town?" ... "maybe God didn't want me here when it happened"
"Why did i choose not to see him at the funeral home?" ... "Did i really want my last memory of him to be that way?"
"Why didn't I fight harder to get him to go to the doctor?" ... "Would he have ever really went?"
"Why? Why? Why?"... "Would any of this make a difference?"
Thank God for Lani's crazy personality to constantly make me laugh or remind me that Daddy is watching over us, and as I try to be strong for her my heart constantly aches.
I try to convince myself that our separation was God's way to prepare me for this one day, but im not sure I truly believe that. Nothing seems to prepare you for this...
Being in public send my anxiety through the roof, and seems like a constant reminder...
of all the families that are still happy and whole...
All the babies we will never have....
Of how we were supposed to grow old together but didn't...
of daddies and daughters playing together and experiencing things that Lani never will...
Each new form i have to fill out for our new life...
the minute i get to the marital status line.... single or married....
i still feel married. i still have on my wedding ring. but i guess i'm single?!?!?
why isn't there a widow box? That word widow is like a dagger in the heart
It is all so overwhelming and quite often i'd like to stay in the bed all day with the covers over my head. But thats not an option, because I'm a mom too. And thank God for that.... I've said it time and again. she is the main reason I'm alive today.
Every day I have this internal battle of "why didn't i stay in town?" ... "maybe God didn't want me here when it happened"
"Why did i choose not to see him at the funeral home?" ... "Did i really want my last memory of him to be that way?"
"Why didn't I fight harder to get him to go to the doctor?" ... "Would he have ever really went?"
"Why? Why? Why?"... "Would any of this make a difference?"
Thank God for Lani's crazy personality to constantly make me laugh or remind me that Daddy is watching over us, and as I try to be strong for her my heart constantly aches.
I try to convince myself that our separation was God's way to prepare me for this one day, but im not sure I truly believe that. Nothing seems to prepare you for this...
Being in public send my anxiety through the roof, and seems like a constant reminder...
of all the families that are still happy and whole...
All the babies we will never have....
Of how we were supposed to grow old together but didn't...
of daddies and daughters playing together and experiencing things that Lani never will...
Each new form i have to fill out for our new life...
the minute i get to the marital status line.... single or married....
i still feel married. i still have on my wedding ring. but i guess i'm single?!?!?
why isn't there a widow box? That word widow is like a dagger in the heart
It is all so overwhelming and quite often i'd like to stay in the bed all day with the covers over my head. But thats not an option, because I'm a mom too. And thank God for that.... I've said it time and again. she is the main reason I'm alive today.
Sunday, August 3, 2014
Safe to say I'm in the Anger Stage
I'm pretty sure I'm in the anger stage of grief.
Angry at Sean for never going to the doctor, and possibly avoiding this heartbreak that we are experiencing right now.
Angry at God for taking Sean so young, leaving Lani without a father, and me without my partner. for not giving me the chance to say goodbye... for Lani only being 4 and not getting a lifetime of memories that other kids will have.... for allowing other people to live to be 102, but my husband to be 32.
Angry at every person that says I'm sorry for your loss. I know how bad you must be hurting... unless you lost your husband unexpectedly, and became a single mom out of no where, i'm pretty sure you don't. I didn't loose a shoe or a piece of jewelry, my husband died. Do you know what its like to tell your child she will never see her dad again? or to just look at her when she asks why because i have no real answer why either
Angry at everyone who says pull yourself together and be strong for your daughter... 1st off its important for her to see me cry and grieve, it helps her grieve as well. secondly who are you to tell me about my kid and how to parent??? unless you were up with us at the hospital all those many nights, and been there contributing to her life
Angry at every person who says "If you need anything, just ask"... Um yeah, i have no idea what i freaking need and what if i said I need you to pay off his car, or pay Lani's daycare bill, better yet help with the mortgage and utilities this month... oh you didn't mean that type of anything did you... so don't say anything
Angry at every person that tells me that God just needed another angel and called him home... Really because there were lots of people to choose from to be an angel, why Sean?
Angry at family and friends who haven't been there the way they should be or causing more stress and pain during this time. So often I just want to yell and scream "F OFF" or "F ALL OF YOU" to them.
You weren't there then....
You aren't here now...
This isn't about you...
I don't feel sorry for you...
I don't accept your apology....
But i don't say anything .... i just look and wonder if this anger is going to end. I ask God for the strength to move forward, not on. Moving on seems like we continue to have this honky-dory life without Sean, and thats not whats happening. Moving forward is that we find happiness despite loosing Sean and try to find Sean in even the smallest things.
I continually read the following verse and try to remind myself of God's plan. Pretty sure faith and Lani are the main to reason's i've survived the last 3 weeks
10 This is what the Lord says: “When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place. 11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.[b] I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”
Jeremiah 29:10-14
Angry at Sean for never going to the doctor, and possibly avoiding this heartbreak that we are experiencing right now.
Angry at God for taking Sean so young, leaving Lani without a father, and me without my partner. for not giving me the chance to say goodbye... for Lani only being 4 and not getting a lifetime of memories that other kids will have.... for allowing other people to live to be 102, but my husband to be 32.
Angry at every person that says I'm sorry for your loss. I know how bad you must be hurting... unless you lost your husband unexpectedly, and became a single mom out of no where, i'm pretty sure you don't. I didn't loose a shoe or a piece of jewelry, my husband died. Do you know what its like to tell your child she will never see her dad again? or to just look at her when she asks why because i have no real answer why either
Angry at everyone who says pull yourself together and be strong for your daughter... 1st off its important for her to see me cry and grieve, it helps her grieve as well. secondly who are you to tell me about my kid and how to parent??? unless you were up with us at the hospital all those many nights, and been there contributing to her life
Angry at every person who says "If you need anything, just ask"... Um yeah, i have no idea what i freaking need and what if i said I need you to pay off his car, or pay Lani's daycare bill, better yet help with the mortgage and utilities this month... oh you didn't mean that type of anything did you... so don't say anything
Angry at every person that tells me that God just needed another angel and called him home... Really because there were lots of people to choose from to be an angel, why Sean?
Angry at family and friends who haven't been there the way they should be or causing more stress and pain during this time. So often I just want to yell and scream "F OFF" or "F ALL OF YOU" to them.
You weren't there then....
You aren't here now...
This isn't about you...
I don't feel sorry for you...
I don't accept your apology....
But i don't say anything .... i just look and wonder if this anger is going to end. I ask God for the strength to move forward, not on. Moving on seems like we continue to have this honky-dory life without Sean, and thats not whats happening. Moving forward is that we find happiness despite loosing Sean and try to find Sean in even the smallest things.
I continually read the following verse and try to remind myself of God's plan. Pretty sure faith and Lani are the main to reason's i've survived the last 3 weeks
10 This is what the Lord says: “When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place. 11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.[b] I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”
Jeremiah 29:10-14
Saturday, August 2, 2014
Its only just a dream.... but my prayers were answered
Last night I dreamed of you.....
You were smiling and laughing so loud that it woke me up and i walked to the den to see if you were there.
Then I realized it was only just a dream.
Even still it made me smile. I'd been praying for one more moment with you and God gave me that. So for now I have to be satisfied with seeing you in my dreams.
I miss and love you so much. I know we will meet again.
You were smiling and laughing so loud that it woke me up and i walked to the den to see if you were there.
Then I realized it was only just a dream.
Even still it made me smile. I'd been praying for one more moment with you and God gave me that. So for now I have to be satisfied with seeing you in my dreams.
I miss and love you so much. I know we will meet again.
Friday, August 1, 2014
NIGHTMARES AND NEGOTIATIONS
Every night when I go to bed I pray to God that this nightmare will end.... I'll be more appreciative.... I'll be a better wife, mother and person, whatever is necessary for one more hug, kiss, smile, laugh, even just a silent view from a far....
My daughter cries and jumps in her sleep and I wish I could make all this better
And every morning I wake up still living this nightmare. I call it a nightmare because it doesn't seem possible that this is my reality.
My doctor mentioned how important it is to "get back to normal"!
But what is even "normal" any more????
Our whole way of life has changed.
The only person I want to call and tell how I'm feeling is gone.
My daughter keeps asking me why she doesn't have a daddy anymore?
And i can't answer her because the truth is I need to know the "WHY?" myself.
Through out the day i try to convince myself of various scenarios of why this has happened but none of them really seem to make sense...
So then i look at the clock and its night time again, and i go to sleep making the same plea with God...
Please end this nightmare for Lani and I
My daughter cries and jumps in her sleep and I wish I could make all this better
And every morning I wake up still living this nightmare. I call it a nightmare because it doesn't seem possible that this is my reality.
My doctor mentioned how important it is to "get back to normal"!
But what is even "normal" any more????
Our whole way of life has changed.
The only person I want to call and tell how I'm feeling is gone.
My daughter keeps asking me why she doesn't have a daddy anymore?
And i can't answer her because the truth is I need to know the "WHY?" myself.
Through out the day i try to convince myself of various scenarios of why this has happened but none of them really seem to make sense...
So then i look at the clock and its night time again, and i go to sleep making the same plea with God...
Please end this nightmare for Lani and I
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