p.s. i love you....'

today i watched it...
i know what you're thinking, "a widow watching p.s. i love you is a recipe for disaster."

i didn't make it through the first 20 minutes last time i watched, but today i watched it in it's entirety.
today i saw a different side of the movie.
its not just about a widow, but about her finding herself.
and it dawned on me how we all go through our own journey to find ourselves.
and while i'm 99.99% sure most of our journeys aren't fabulously orchestrated by our late spouse, the journey is key.

for 15 years we were "Sean and Ashley" ...
and for a long time i didn't know what i was without Sean...
because in the good times, the turmoil, the happiness and the chaos, we were still a unit...

so the question became, what was i now?

i remember the first time i filled out a form and had to check my marital status

- single
- married
- divorce

those were my only options, and i didn't feel like any applied to me

so who was i?

what was i?

it took the last few years for me to figure that out.
to reach a place where i know who i am.

there were many tear filled nights, and panicked breakdowns.
there were so many nights alone, and lucid dreams where i'm sure that reality and the dream world converged for a while.

there was confusion and unanswered questions for both myself and my child

how could i answer her questions?
who was going to answer my questions?

and then i remembered what the pastor told me when they came to visit...

"ask God all the questions you want.... be angry... be mad... but know that he might not answer all of them, and they may not be the answers you wanted to hear."

you see sometimes God calms the storm, but other times he allows the storm to rage on and move us to where we need to be...

The last 3 years have definitely moved me, but they also allowed me to find myself

i am
... a black woman
... a believer in God's power
... a mother
... a daughter
... a sister
... an educator
... Ashley

and yes i am a widow,  but am no longer defined by this.
It is a facet of who i am.

ANYTHING YOU UNDERGO....

This year has definitely been one of struggle and heartache.... it has easily been the worst year of my life. 

 Even more so, it has been the most growthful (yes i made a word up) year of my life as well.

Most days I make it through the day without a complete breakdown.  

Other days it seems almost an impossible effort just to breath.  

I look around and still feel like I'm in a fog, possibly a bad dream, or maybe even a movie.  

Somedays I feel like I'm watching my life in 3rd person.  Likes its a movie playing out in front of me.  I see it... I feel it... I smell it...  I experience it...  but i have very little control over any of it. 

There are days that I have no memory of.  If i do have a memory of them, it's snapshots, clip...  Sometimes triggered by a scent or a phrase, and suddenly deja vu strikes.  A memory resurfaces. A friend usually fills in the gaps.

I was once told that when someone experiences tragedy, they go through shock. At the time I had no idea that I was experiencing shock.  In fact I was pretty irritated by anyone who even uttered it,  but looking back, I had classic symptoms:

Emotional and psychological symptoms of trauma:

Shock, denial, or disbelief Anger, irritability, mood swings Guilt, shame, self-blame Feeling sad or hopeless

Confusion, difficulty concentrating Anxiety and fear Withdrawing from others Feeling disconnected or numb

Physical symptoms of trauma:

Insomnia or nightmares Being startled easily Racing heartbeat Aches and pains

Fatigue Difficulty concentrating Edginess and agitation Muscle tension

I had all of them at some time or moment.  There are times that I feel like I'm still experiencing some of these symptoms, but through church, family, friends, and even blogging I truly believe I'm making my way out of it.  

I've asked God many times why did this have to happen to us?

Wasn't there another solution? 

Other options? 

Why couldn't he solve our struggles another way?

What about Lani? 

When will i tell her the truth about what happened to daddy? (she knows he went to heaven, and she knows there was a heart attack, but no other details)

Did God believe her life would be better growing up with out a father?

What memories will she have?

How do I explain alcoholism to her when she is older?

So many questions and a forever feeling like there were no answers....

Day in and day out... 

Why God?

Why me?

Why us?

Why him?

How much more can we handle?

Finally at church this Sunday, i felt like God answered some or most of my questions through Pastor Edward's sermon.  (Note this is an earlier service than the one i attended but the gist is still the same)

The message began with 3 simple statements

1. There is a God.

2. He has a plan for you

3. Don't miss it.

In that moment, in the very first few minutes of the sermon, tears filled my eyes.  This was all God's plan. I don't have to understand it.  i don't have to like it. but i do have to have faith in it. 

There were a lot of great points in Pastor Conway's message but these few points resonated with me.

• Nothing can happen to you unless he allows it, and if he allows it then he's prepared you for it. It's is preparing you for your future blessings. 
• You have to have enough courage to take a step of faith and believe in God! 
• We don't know what he's up to, we just have to be faithful. 
• If you want to know what God wants done, you have to look at what he has done. 
• Every problem you experience now, is linked to a future possibility and preparing you fro the future 
• Because of your obedience in his will, God blesses you.

I've read my notes on this sermon, repeatedly.  And then today i saw this picture

and it was just further proof.

WE CAN OVERCOME ANYTHING WE UNDERGO!

 Now, while it's safe to say, i have no idea of the destination for the journey we are currently on, but i do know God has prepared us, and we will survive it.

SO HERES TO 2015. 

and to a journey and life completely unimagined. 

Loneliness and Questions....

The anger has subsided and now loneliness has set in....

I miss my husband...

I miss the hugs...
the kisses...
your beautiful smile...
the laughter...
your smell...
the inside jokes...
holding me at night, and your scruff scratching my face and neck....
knowing my every secret, wish and goal in life...

i even miss the stupid arguments....
the long toe nails scratching me at night...
"wooking" with the door open...
the constant smell of beef jerky....
all the other annoying habits that i complained about  for the last 14 years(funny i cant remember one specifically now)...


I regret not letting him hug me too tight, or by squeezing both arms, because I felt claustrophobic...
I regret not showing you more PDA, because it "wasn't appropriate" or was embarrassing.
I regret not being there with you as you left this world and holding your hand...


I look around and wonder where my life goes from here?
I feel so selfish asking this.  I mean i should be greatful that God has spared our lives.
But it's honestly how I feel.

Why us???
What do i do now?
Who's going to love me now?
Why my husband?
Will I ever feel loved again?

Then I think of Lani and my heart breaks more.

She only had 4 1/2 years of having a dad... actually 4 years, 7 months, and 2 days. Some people get a lifetime of having a father. why not her?

Who will take her to  daddy/daughter dances?
Who will walk her down the isle?
Who will give her advice about men?
Who will intimidate guys who want to date her?
Who will her future husband ask permission to marry his daughter?
Why did God decide that she didn't need to grow up with a daddy?
Will someone fill that void for her one day?
Do we want someone to fill that void?
What will she miss most?


I go back and forth in my mind of why God has done this.

I try to convince myself that this was for a reason.

In my mind I want to believe we were meant to be, but my heart wants to know why it wasn't meant to be forever.

So I sit and just wait for God's plan to unfold, while my heart remains broken.

There is no band-aide for this.
There is no cure for this pain.


... and we are just here.....

sad....

sitting.....

in the loneliness and full of questions