Tuesday, December 30, 2014


This year has definitely been one of struggle and heartache.... it has easily been the worst year of my life. 

 Even more so, it has been the most growthful (yes i made a word up) year of my life as well.

Most days I make it through the day without a complete breakdown.  
Other days it seems almost an impossible effort just to breath.  

I look around and still feel like I'm in a fog, possibly a bad dream, or maybe even a movie.  

Somedays I feel like I'm watching my life in 3rd person.  Likes its a movie playing out in front of me.  I see it... I feel it... I smell it...  I experience it...  but i have very little control over any of it. 

There are days that I have no memory of.  If i do have a memory of them, it's snapshots, clip...  Sometimes triggered by a scent or a phrase, and suddenly deja vu strikes.  A memory resurfaces. A friend usually fills in the gaps.

I was once told that when someone experiences tragedy, they go through shock. At the time I had no idea that I was experiencing shock.  In fact I was pretty irritated by anyone who even uttered it,  but looking back, I had classic symptoms:

Emotional and psychological symptoms of trauma:

  • Shock, denial, or disbelief
  • Anger, irritability, mood swings
  • Guilt, shame, self-blame
  • Feeling sad or hopeless
  • Confusion, difficulty concentrating
  • Anxiety and fear
  • Withdrawing from others
  • Feeling disconnected or numb

Physical symptoms of trauma:

  • Insomnia or nightmares
  • Being startled easily
  • Racing heartbeat
  • Aches and pains
  • Fatigue
  • Difficulty concentrating
  • Edginess and agitation
  • Muscle tension

I had all of them at some time or moment.  There are times that I feel like I'm still experiencing some of these symptoms, but through church, family, friends, and even blogging I truly believe I'm making my way out of it.  

I've asked God many times why did this have to happen to us?
Wasn't there another solution? 
Other options? 
Why couldn't he solve our struggles another way?
What about Lani? 
When will i tell her the truth about what happened to daddy? (she knows he went to heaven, and she knows there was a heart attack, but no other details)
Did God believe her life would be better growing up with out a father?
What memories will she have?
How do I explain alcoholism to her when she is older?

So many questions and a forever feeling like there were no answers....

Day in and day out... 
Why God?
Why me?
Why us?
Why him?
How much more can we handle?

Finally at church this Sunday, i felt like God answered some or most of my questions through Pastor Edward's sermon.  (Note this is an earlier service than the one i attended but the gist is still the same)

The message began with 3 simple statements
1. There is a God.
2. He has a plan for you
3. Don't miss it.

In that moment, in the very first few minutes of the sermon, tears filled my eyes.  This was all God's plan. I don't have to understand it.  i don't have to like it. but i do have to have faith in it. 

There were a lot of great points in Pastor Conway's message but these few points resonated with me.

  • Nothing can happen to you unless he allows it, and if he allows it then he's prepared you for it. It's is preparing you for your future blessings. 
  • You have to have enough courage to take a step of faith and believe in God! 
  • We don't know what he's up to, we just have to be faithful. 
  • If you want to know what God wants done, you have to look at what he has done. 
  • Every problem you experience now, is linked to a future possibility and preparing you fro the future 
  • Because of your obedience in his will, God blesses you.

I've read my notes on this sermon, repeatedly.  And then today i saw this picture

and it was just further proof.


 Now, while it's safe to say, i have no idea of the destination for the journey we are currently on, but i do know God has prepared us, and we will survive it.

SO HERES TO 2015. 
and to a journey and life completely unimagined. 

1 comment:

  1. Thank You so much for sharing your blog!!!!! It's real, it's necessary, it's relatable, it's eye opening for me in more ways than one, it's like a non-fiction book you don't want to put down. I needed to see this sermon and my hope has been confirmed that I too will overcome what I just went thru for the past years!! Thanks again


wedding video