I feel like i constantly have to walk a line between being respectful to my family, friends, Lani, and Sean's memory, while keeping my blog authentic to my life and my story.
I'm always surprised at the reach of my blog...
Today alone i had views and hits from Moscow, Bangladesh, and Foshan (still have no idea where that is... and if my ADD doesn't kick in too much i will google it after this post... but i digress)
So when i get emails, texts, and dm's from people who read my posts I'm always shocked...
Because despite what some may think, the goal of this blog is to be an outlet of my feelings through out my life journey, as it always has been.
For years i've posted about my struggles
... my bucket runneth over....
And while some my posts are controversial to others, the harsh reality is that they are my truth...
The even bigger reality is that for every post i make, there are probably 3-4 that are just sitting in the draft box...
So how do i keep it real to myself and be contentious of everyone's feelings?
I don't know that I can...
Because for every post that is hard for others to read, it was and is even harder for me to live.
THIS IS MY REALITY.
I love Sean VERY MUCH. And i always will, but my blogging is cathartic and part of my journey through life...
So if my posts have hurt or offended any of you, I am sorry. That is never my intent. My only goal is to be real, and hopefully one day when L is old enough to read these, provide some understanding and clarification as to why i've made certain decisions in my life.
Monday, December 21, 2015
What would Sean Say....
note: this one is one that i've been trying to decide whether or not to post, but i feel it helps others to explain my journey...
I remember the first time I heard of a friend of mine dating after her husband passed away, and thinking goodness, that was fast (it had probably been 5-6 months)
I thought "if that were me i would just stay single".... clearly i was a little naive.
After a while my perspective began to change.
She deserved to be happy and who was i to judge?
Little did i know i would be in her shoes a year later...
My mom and I talked the other day about what would Sean think/say if he could see me today...
How would he feel about me dating...
What would he think about my life changes and decisions...
her exact response... "thats why i love that girl..."
I know that he knows that while I have moved forward in life, I continue to keep his memory alive for L. We talk about Daddy daily, but i also know that he would want both of us to be happy and to find love. I'm always concerned about what Sean's Family and Friends will think as i move forward...
Does she love him less? No less, just differently.
Has she forgotten him? Never. He was apart of my life for 14 years. he's a huge part of who i am today. our relationship and his death has shaped the way i think about life, what i value in life, and i treat those i love and care about...
What would Sean say if he was here?
Well here's the answer to that...
A month before he passed, Sean and sent me this text. We finally decided that divorce is what needed to happen but we would wait until our summer vacation to Mexico with L was over.
He went further to say that he hoped I would find a date for Arry's wedding, since he wouldnt be going with me (i think this was him alluding to knowing that he was going to pass, but at the time i assumed it was because we would be divorced)
He also talked about me finding a man that would love both Lani and I the way we deserved... I think this was the first time i really began to question his health, or that there was something more that he wasn't telling me...
Then finally he said it... And i knew this would be our last talk...
(we actually spoke a few more times via text and phone after this, but i've chose to keep the rest private)
As fate would have it, the divorce never happened and Sean passed while we were on vacation...
As a result, people being sick or in the hospital makes me cry nervous, and an unreturned phone call or text, will send me into a panic, because i immediately begin to perseverate on all the possibilities of why they aren't responding, until i hear a response.
Either way i know exactly how Sean would feel and what he would want for me, so i don't have any doubts what he would say...
And if i had any further questions, the song that Sean always said was his song to me answers it all
Yes Lani Harris Santa is Real
I know many people choose to tell their kids the truth about Santa, but in my house Santa is for real, and heres why....
My sweet child has already lost SO much of her innocence in the last few years.
She has experienced heartache beyond her years, and has grown up faster than any almost 6 year old should ever have to.
But some how through all of this, she manages to still believe ...
still believe in the tooth fairy....
the easter bunny....
and Santa...
Does that mean she doesn't know the true meaning of Christmas or Easter... Not at all. And if you ask her why we celebrate these days, she will proudly tell about how Awesome her Jesus is, as well as the whole story behind these days. She prays before every meal and every night before bed, and prayers for others as well. So i have no doubt that we have developed a true understanding and platform for her Christianity and faith.
We always discuss the best and worst part of her day, so when I asked her how Friday at school went, she stated that a kid told her that all of these were fake, as well as God and Angels. That they were "Legends" . I was prepared to explain the truth to her, by my sweet girl proudly let him know that Angels are 'most definitely real, because her daddy is an angel and watches over her all the time, just like Santa, the Easter bunny, the tooth fairy and especially GOD, and if he chose not to believe thats fine, but she is a believer and thats all that matters.'
So who am I to break faith like that...
So as long as she believes i will support her, and help to maintain this magic for her.
We will continue to write letters
She will continues to visit the Santa at the mall although in her own words, "he aint the real Santa, just a guy pretending because santa is super busy"
We will continue to put out reindeer food on the grass and milk and cookies by the fire place on christmas eve (which i will then take one for the team and eat)
She will continue to get a gift from Daddy which is delivered by Santa, because he has the ability to stop at Daddy's cloud, when he flies through heaven and bring Daddy's gift to her each year...
And i will continue to watch her face light up as she continues to believe in magic...
My sweet child has already lost SO much of her innocence in the last few years.
She has experienced heartache beyond her years, and has grown up faster than any almost 6 year old should ever have to.
But some how through all of this, she manages to still believe ...
still believe in the tooth fairy....
the easter bunny....
and Santa...
Does that mean she doesn't know the true meaning of Christmas or Easter... Not at all. And if you ask her why we celebrate these days, she will proudly tell about how Awesome her Jesus is, as well as the whole story behind these days. She prays before every meal and every night before bed, and prayers for others as well. So i have no doubt that we have developed a true understanding and platform for her Christianity and faith.
We always discuss the best and worst part of her day, so when I asked her how Friday at school went, she stated that a kid told her that all of these were fake, as well as God and Angels. That they were "Legends" . I was prepared to explain the truth to her, by my sweet girl proudly let him know that Angels are 'most definitely real, because her daddy is an angel and watches over her all the time, just like Santa, the Easter bunny, the tooth fairy and especially GOD, and if he chose not to believe thats fine, but she is a believer and thats all that matters.'
So who am I to break faith like that...
So as long as she believes i will support her, and help to maintain this magic for her.
We will continue to write letters
She will continues to visit the Santa at the mall although in her own words, "he aint the real Santa, just a guy pretending because santa is super busy"
We will continue to put out reindeer food on the grass and milk and cookies by the fire place on christmas eve (which i will then take one for the team and eat)
She will continue to get a gift from Daddy which is delivered by Santa, because he has the ability to stop at Daddy's cloud, when he flies through heaven and bring Daddy's gift to her each year...
And i will continue to watch her face light up as she continues to believe in magic...
Thursday, December 17, 2015
Widowed and Dating....
So i began dating a while ago, but in respect of Sean's fam, i've chosen not to really speak on it. Although, if you are a follower of my blog, or you know me very well you know there have been a few posts in reference to those I've dated or that have glazed over the matter.
Recently a friend asked me two questions
1. what is it like dating, as a widow?
2. What advice would you give someone whose dating a widow?
because lets be honest, many people don't know young widow and when they meet a 2nd one, immediately the first one they knew is like "the widow expert" .... so here is my limited widow expertise on this topic...
Question 1
When you become a "young widow" you immediately join a sisterhood of women who have suffered an extreme loss and heart break far too young... suddenly you go from knowing none, to now i have regular communication with 5-6. We are all in different stages in this journey, so we can be a good resource for each other. Thanks to my friend Tammy we even have a secret safe club to communicate amongst each other, with others who understand ,things that many at our age never will.
When you begin on this journey, you wonder will you ever find love again...
Will you have more kids one day...
Who wants to marry a widow, because there is definite emotional roller coasters at time.
And lets be honest, when your date asks, "why you are single?" and you say "i'm a widow" we tend to get one of three reactions....
Reaction 1. the immediate look of fear (did this chic kill him???) As messed up as this probably sounds, when i see this face, i tend to respond "yes! the answer to your question is yes" if you know my humor you know that this is done with with a completely straight face and a look like "if you F this up, you're next!" followed by a pause, then "I'm kidding"
Reaction 2: immediately follows the relieved look but now curiosity has kicked in , "So how did he die?"
Reaction 3. the immediate look of sadness and pity rather than fear, which is still followed by "So if you don't mind me asking, how did he die?"
Either way, it can be a real awkward moment...
But there are a few who make it past this point and the convo is still good, and you consider another date.
But you must realize that Widows date with a purpose. We know what we want, and what we don't...
I think initially we are looking to fill voids, may that be emotionally, physically, etc
Eventually you meet someone that seems to have lasting potential but you are very guarded...
I'm not going to open about my feelings, in fear of hurt and loss
I not going to let you meet L because i don't want her to get attached and then experience loss
And Im going to see how well you put up with me...
If you make it past this point and a few months, then i may begin to open up...
So far dating this has gone multiple ways as well.... and as you know theres a soundtrack....
1. yeah after a date or 2 I'm like nope, this aint gone work... i still haven't found a song that quite covers it....
2. they had stronger feelings but i was looking for something else...
3. I had feelings and they weren't ready everything that came with dating me, fell somewhere between here ...
and here...
4. the feelings are mutual and you both are willing to take your time to see what happens...
For Question 2
I think its hard to explain... but this is the best way i can....
1. If i stick around, its because i see something in you that i'm looking for... And i don't mean what you might be, what i want you to be, i mean who you are today....
2. Im a very open person, but becoming a widow makes you very guarded in love, so if i call you , or go out of my way for you i care. I may not say i care... i amy not say i miss you... and it may take me forever to say i love... but in this situation, my actions truly have to speak louder than my words.
3. if i let you meet L, you are truly special to me, because she is the most important person in my life, and I never want to see the pain and heart break i saw on her face that night, ever again....
So id you make it through all of these then this is the best advice i can give you
How i would respond....
Recently a friend asked me two questions
1. what is it like dating, as a widow?
2. What advice would you give someone whose dating a widow?
because lets be honest, many people don't know young widow and when they meet a 2nd one, immediately the first one they knew is like "the widow expert" .... so here is my limited widow expertise on this topic...
Question 1
When you become a "young widow" you immediately join a sisterhood of women who have suffered an extreme loss and heart break far too young... suddenly you go from knowing none, to now i have regular communication with 5-6. We are all in different stages in this journey, so we can be a good resource for each other. Thanks to my friend Tammy we even have a secret safe club to communicate amongst each other, with others who understand ,things that many at our age never will.
When you begin on this journey, you wonder will you ever find love again...
Will you have more kids one day...
Who wants to marry a widow, because there is definite emotional roller coasters at time.
And lets be honest, when your date asks, "why you are single?" and you say "i'm a widow" we tend to get one of three reactions....
Reaction 1. the immediate look of fear (did this chic kill him???) As messed up as this probably sounds, when i see this face, i tend to respond "yes! the answer to your question is yes" if you know my humor you know that this is done with with a completely straight face and a look like "if you F this up, you're next!" followed by a pause, then "I'm kidding"
Reaction 2: immediately follows the relieved look but now curiosity has kicked in , "So how did he die?"
Reaction 3. the immediate look of sadness and pity rather than fear, which is still followed by "So if you don't mind me asking, how did he die?"
Either way, it can be a real awkward moment...
But there are a few who make it past this point and the convo is still good, and you consider another date.
But you must realize that Widows date with a purpose. We know what we want, and what we don't...
I think initially we are looking to fill voids, may that be emotionally, physically, etc
Eventually you meet someone that seems to have lasting potential but you are very guarded...
I'm not going to open about my feelings, in fear of hurt and loss
I not going to let you meet L because i don't want her to get attached and then experience loss
And Im going to see how well you put up with me...
If you make it past this point and a few months, then i may begin to open up...
So far dating this has gone multiple ways as well.... and as you know theres a soundtrack....
1. yeah after a date or 2 I'm like nope, this aint gone work... i still haven't found a song that quite covers it....
2. they had stronger feelings but i was looking for something else...
3. I had feelings and they weren't ready everything that came with dating me, fell somewhere between here ...
and here...
4. the feelings are mutual and you both are willing to take your time to see what happens...
For Question 2
I think its hard to explain... but this is the best way i can....
1. If i stick around, its because i see something in you that i'm looking for... And i don't mean what you might be, what i want you to be, i mean who you are today....
2. Im a very open person, but becoming a widow makes you very guarded in love, so if i call you , or go out of my way for you i care. I may not say i care... i amy not say i miss you... and it may take me forever to say i love... but in this situation, my actions truly have to speak louder than my words.
3. if i let you meet L, you are truly special to me, because she is the most important person in my life, and I never want to see the pain and heart break i saw on her face that night, ever again....
So id you make it through all of these then this is the best advice i can give you
How i would respond....
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