the psychic ....

if only there was a way to tag my bridesmaids in this post.... and i feel as if there was a prior post about this, i may just need to do some digging through my old blogs... so i guess ill just have to start from the beginning *shrugs*

prior to Sean and I's wedding, i had my bachelorette party in New Orleans, and while there aren't many stories i can share from that trip, lol,  this is one of them...

One morning, some of the girls and I decided to get up early and do a little sight seeing.  We would explore the town and check out some of the street vendors. While walking in Jackson Square, a lady grabs my hand and says she needs to speak to me. Pretty sure that she could tell by the look on my face that I was clearly frightened when a stranger grabbed my hand. When I looked around I saw an empty palm reader table and quickly informed her that i didn't believe in psychics.  She stated to me that she knew I was a non believer but had a very important message for me, so she would need to tell me about my past and current, before she could tell me my future.

She said that she had a message from my grandmother who had just passed away, and that i had told her something when i was alone with her after she passed at the hospital.
" She wants you to know that she was still there and heard everything you said.  She is sorry about what happened and understands and loves you too."

I immediately began to ball.  She asked me was i willing to listen now, obviously i said yes and sat down.

"You are getting married soon..." (now mind you i had on NO items to signify my engagement, not even my ring, i had actually taken it off to clean it and left it in the hotel room) "and you are wondering, if this is the right decision, the answer is yes."  

And again I began to cry.  Just a few weeks prior, Sean and I had our first real argument about his drinking, and we had discussed cancelling the wedding.  At this point deposits were paid, he had just transferred to Dallas, and we ended up talking it all out, but this was the first time I  was honestly concerned that he had a problem. I remember my cousin Arry and Lisha holding my hand and us just listening to everything she said, while i cried...

" This marriage is meant to happen and apart of your journey. About a year after you are married you will have a daughter.  she will be smart and beautiful and the light of your lives. She will help you... i need you to understand me, things will get VERY HARD, and VERY BAD before they get better. You must push through, and no matter what, STAY IN YOUR MARRIAGE... you will want to give up at times, and when times get hard remember to turn to God and your family..." 

and i just continued to cry... i mean this isn't the most optimistic story going so far here

"Once you can get through the hard times, eventually things will turn out better.  Eventually you will have two sons, very close in age.  Older than your daughter, i see twins, so if not twins close in age"

she repeated this part multiple times and it was very confusing at the time...

"you will be very close to one, and your husband to the other, you will be the protector of one..." 

i remember thinking that i thought she was confused and maybe picking up a reference to our family and not me, as this storyline sounded familiar, but listened anyway.

"you will eventually have another child, but when you least expect it, and it will be a son.  you will live a long and happy life, but whenever times are hard you must remember to turn to your faith, and remember to just keep praying."

When she finished i tried to pay her but she refused to accept my money.  I cried the entire way back to the hotel.  Sitting now its been almost 11 years since that day, and most of her fortune has come to fruition.  If that last part does, L will be a little disappointed, as she still prays for a sister almost daily, and is convinced that D and I "just won't give her one" lol!

But Lani was born 13 days after our second anniversary, and is the most incredible little girl i could've ever prayed for.

If you follow my blog, then you know the spectrum of how difficult things became....


And I am now I am the happiest I've ever been, and I've ended up with "two older sons" who are a year apart in age, and one who I'm constantly protecting from a butt whooping lol.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future... Jeremiah 29:11

soundtrack to my life lll- aka my casket playlist

if you've been following my blog for a while, you know i love a good play list, aka the soundtrack to my life.  yesterday in training, my new principal asked a very interesting question.

 "there is a company that has designed a casket that will play music.  the key is that you only get 1 soon... FOREVER... so if you could pick a casket song, what would it be?"

i immediately chose Butterfly by Mariah Carey, circa 1998 tho... not this 2017 Carey...

the more i sat and thought, the more i felt maybe this wouldnt be my current song, and further more, I'm an 80's baby, so there would be a mix tap fo sho !!!

So... with out further ado (i think thats how you spell it )...  here is my casket mixtape:
(what would be on yours...)



for every time someone tried to stop my journey:

 for every time i showed them who i really was:

 how i learned to live:

 what i still find myself praying  for at times :

 what i often find myself asking when times get tough:

 and the response im often given:


and what i learn time and time again and  so often have to remind myself:


and then i remember who i am :

Where Oh Where Did The Last 5 Months Go....

Some how I let 5 months pass without posting...

Don't get me wrong, I've written posts, I just haven't posted.

Some aren't finished...

Some I'm on the fence about...

Others serve as personal journaling...

Either way there has been a lot of changes in the last 5 months...

My sweet baby graduated from Kindergarten

I changed jobs and said bye bye to the classroom....

Most of I spent more time getting to know myself,

 

strengthening my relationship with God and learning to trust in his timing, 

 and most of all letting go of things that do not serve me well.

For a very long time I've been trying to please people and hold on to people and thing that have not necessarily benefited me in life.  I've spent a lot of time cleaning house and purging recently. I've found it cathartic and can actually see how removing unnecessary things from my life has brought me more peace and happiness. So i've chosen to embrace this mindset across all panels and avoid all unnecessary drama.

I've also embraced a forgiveness mindset.

I think forgiveness is crucial to having a growth mindset as well. And while many of those I've forgiven never apologized, it was necessary for me to forgive them so that I can let go of the hurt that has been caused and move forward in my own journey. 

Most importantly I believe I've began to see my rainbow

I have weathered what I hope has been the biggest storm of my life, but I'm so proud of what I've become after this storm. 

So as with many of my posts there is a song that expresses my current phase in life, here's my current anthem

Widowed and Dating....

So i began dating a while ago, but in respect of Sean's fam, i've chosen not to really speak on it.  Although, if you are a follower of my blog, or you know me very well you know there have been a few posts in reference to those I've dated or that have glazed over the matter.

Recently a friend asked me two questions
1. what is it like dating, as a widow?
2. What advice would you give someone whose dating a widow?

because lets be honest, many people don't know young widow and when they meet a 2nd one, immediately the first one they knew is like "the widow expert" ....  so here is my limited widow expertise on this topic...

Question 1 

When you become a "young widow" you immediately join a sisterhood of women who have suffered an extreme loss and heart break far too young... suddenly you go from knowing none, to now i have regular communication with 5-6.  We are all in different stages in this journey, so we can be a good resource for each other.  Thanks to my friend Tammy we even have a secret safe club to communicate  amongst each other, with others who understand ,things that many at our age never will.



When you begin on this journey, you wonder will you ever find love again...

Will you have more kids one day...

Who wants to marry a widow, because there is definite emotional roller coasters at time.

And lets be honest, when your date asks, "why you are single?" and you say "i'm a widow" we tend to get one of three reactions....
Reaction 1. the immediate look of fear (did this chic kill him???) As messed up as this probably sounds, when i see this face, i tend to respond "yes! the answer to your question is yes" if you know my humor you know that this is done with with a completely straight  face and a look like "if you F this up, you're next!" followed by a pause, then "I'm kidding"

Reaction 2:  immediately follows the relieved look but now curiosity has kicked in ,  "So how did he die?"

Reaction 3. the immediate look of sadness and pity rather than fear, which is still followed by "So if you don't mind me asking, how did he die?"

Either way, it can be a real awkward moment...

But there are a few who make it past this point and the convo is still good, and you consider another date.

But you must realize that Widows date with a purpose.  We know what we want, and what we don't...

I think initially we are looking to fill voids, may that be emotionally, physically, etc

Eventually you meet someone that seems to have lasting potential but you are very guarded...

I'm not going to open about my feelings, in fear of hurt and loss

I not going to let you meet L because i don't want her to get attached and then experience loss

And Im going to see how well you put up with me...

If you make it past this point  and a few months, then i may begin to open up...

So far dating this has gone multiple ways as well.... and as you know theres a soundtrack....
1. yeah after a date or 2 I'm like nope, this aint gone work... i still haven't found a song that quite covers it....

2. they had stronger feelings but i was looking for something else...



3. I had feelings and they weren't ready everything that came with dating me, fell somewhere between here ...


and here...


 4. the feelings are mutual and you both are willing to take your time to see what happens...


For Question 2

I think its hard to explain... but this is the best way i can....
1. If i stick around, its because i see something in you that i'm looking for... And i don't mean what you might be, what i want you to be, i mean who you are today....

2. Im a very open person, but becoming a widow makes you very guarded in love, so if i call you , or go out of my way for you i care.  I may not say i care... i amy not say i miss you... and it may take me forever to say i love... but in this situation, my actions truly have to speak louder than my words.

3. if i let you meet L, you are truly special to me, because she is the most important person in my life, and I never want to see the pain and heart break i saw on her face that night, ever again....


So id you make it through all of these then this is the best advice i can give you



How i would respond....