the psychic ....

if only there was a way to tag my bridesmaids in this post.... and i feel as if there was a prior post about this, i may just need to do some digging through my old blogs... so i guess ill just have to start from the beginning *shrugs*

prior to Sean and I's wedding, i had my bachelorette party in New Orleans, and while there aren't many stories i can share from that trip, lol,  this is one of them...

One morning, some of the girls and I decided to get up early and do a little sight seeing.  We would explore the town and check out some of the street vendors. While walking in Jackson Square, a lady grabs my hand and says she needs to speak to me. Pretty sure that she could tell by the look on my face that I was clearly frightened when a stranger grabbed my hand. When I looked around I saw an empty palm reader table and quickly informed her that i didn't believe in psychics.  She stated to me that she knew I was a non believer but had a very important message for me, so she would need to tell me about my past and current, before she could tell me my future.

She said that she had a message from my grandmother who had just passed away, and that i had told her something when i was alone with her after she passed at the hospital.
" She wants you to know that she was still there and heard everything you said.  She is sorry about what happened and understands and loves you too."

I immediately began to ball.  She asked me was i willing to listen now, obviously i said yes and sat down.

"You are getting married soon..." (now mind you i had on NO items to signify my engagement, not even my ring, i had actually taken it off to clean it and left it in the hotel room) "and you are wondering, if this is the right decision, the answer is yes."  

And again I began to cry.  Just a few weeks prior, Sean and I had our first real argument about his drinking, and we had discussed cancelling the wedding.  At this point deposits were paid, he had just transferred to Dallas, and we ended up talking it all out, but this was the first time I  was honestly concerned that he had a problem. I remember my cousin Arry and Lisha holding my hand and us just listening to everything she said, while i cried...

" This marriage is meant to happen and apart of your journey. About a year after you are married you will have a daughter.  she will be smart and beautiful and the light of your lives. She will help you... i need you to understand me, things will get VERY HARD, and VERY BAD before they get better. You must push through, and no matter what, STAY IN YOUR MARRIAGE... you will want to give up at times, and when times get hard remember to turn to God and your family..." 

and i just continued to cry... i mean this isn't the most optimistic story going so far here

"Once you can get through the hard times, eventually things will turn out better.  Eventually you will have two sons, very close in age.  Older than your daughter, i see twins, so if not twins close in age"

she repeated this part multiple times and it was very confusing at the time...

"you will be very close to one, and your husband to the other, you will be the protector of one..." 

i remember thinking that i thought she was confused and maybe picking up a reference to our family and not me, as this storyline sounded familiar, but listened anyway.

"you will eventually have another child, but when you least expect it, and it will be a son.  you will live a long and happy life, but whenever times are hard you must remember to turn to your faith, and remember to just keep praying."

When she finished i tried to pay her but she refused to accept my money.  I cried the entire way back to the hotel.  Sitting now its been almost 11 years since that day, and most of her fortune has come to fruition.  If that last part does, L will be a little disappointed, as she still prays for a sister almost daily, and is convinced that D and I "just won't give her one" lol!

But Lani was born 13 days after our second anniversary, and is the most incredible little girl i could've ever prayed for.

If you follow my blog, then you know the spectrum of how difficult things became....


And I am now I am the happiest I've ever been, and I've ended up with "two older sons" who are a year apart in age, and one who I'm constantly protecting from a butt whooping lol.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future... Jeremiah 29:11

not always as we have planned....

In life we are constantly making plans....
Plans for dinner...
Plans for vacation...
Plans for Valentines....
Plans for LIFE...

If you had asked me 10 years ago, my life was planned and scripted to a T....
I would be married by 25
First kid by 27
New house by 28
Second kid by 29
Grad school by 31
Administrator by 32
Third kid by 34
2 dogs... PTA .... car pool.... the whole shebang (i think thats how to spell it)

but someone once told me....

and thats just what happened....

God said we will see and things changed.

Nothing went as I had planned....

And one day I woke up and realized I was totally out of control.

I kept trying to fix things.

I kept trying to fit into a cookie cutter mold....

Then i decided to let go and let God.

And in this process I have found happiness.

It was not the plan I had for my self by any means, but exactly where I'm supposed to be

a lot of rain lately...

With all that has happened in the world recently I would think many people are starting to question things...

Question God...

Question Humanity...

Question is this the "End of Days"...

It's scary...

I'm going to steal a little from my Facebook, but then i'll bring it back ...

"I think one of the things that hit home the most about the Orlando shootings, is the irony that Orlando is supposed to be the happiest place on earth! Yet there have been two mass shootings this past weekend. Suddenly America's eyes are pried opened again... 

The place we dreamed of going as kids, and put on our children's summer vacation bucket lists as adults isn't even safe anymore. "The happiest place on earth!" This is supposed to be our safe place. AMERICA IS SUPPOSED TO BE A SAFE HAVEN. America is the country that million flock to for religious and social freedom. That my Grandparents move to, to provide better opportunities for themselves, my father, and their future grandchildren and descendants. Where people flock daily to escape the persecutions that are so widely publicized elsewhere. To have their inalienable rights observed and protected. 

But when there were 372 mass shooting in the US alone in 2015, and now and between 133-176 mass shootings (depending on which news site you view) on day 165 of the year, the ideas of America being a safe place to raise our kids seems to have become more wishful thinking than the foundation of who we are."

Then this morning we woke up to yet another tragedy in Orlando and this time its a 2 year old child.

I just cried watching the news this am.

Then I thought about how our 3 tragedies, which seem to be the end of days to us in America, is an everyday reality in some countries.

So while we are sitting here in the midst of a storm, we must remember that God could calm the storm, but sometimes, he puts them in our lives to remind us of things...

So while we must remember to thank God for our blessings and even more so during our struggles.

Where Oh Where Did The Last 5 Months Go....

Some how I let 5 months pass without posting...

Don't get me wrong, I've written posts, I just haven't posted.

Some aren't finished...

Some I'm on the fence about...

Others serve as personal journaling...

Either way there has been a lot of changes in the last 5 months...

My sweet baby graduated from Kindergarten

I changed jobs and said bye bye to the classroom....

Most of I spent more time getting to know myself,

 

strengthening my relationship with God and learning to trust in his timing, 

 and most of all letting go of things that do not serve me well.

For a very long time I've been trying to please people and hold on to people and thing that have not necessarily benefited me in life.  I've spent a lot of time cleaning house and purging recently. I've found it cathartic and can actually see how removing unnecessary things from my life has brought me more peace and happiness. So i've chosen to embrace this mindset across all panels and avoid all unnecessary drama.

I've also embraced a forgiveness mindset.

I think forgiveness is crucial to having a growth mindset as well. And while many of those I've forgiven never apologized, it was necessary for me to forgive them so that I can let go of the hurt that has been caused and move forward in my own journey. 

Most importantly I believe I've began to see my rainbow

I have weathered what I hope has been the biggest storm of my life, but I'm so proud of what I've become after this storm. 

So as with many of my posts there is a song that expresses my current phase in life, here's my current anthem

525,600 Minutes

Warning: this is my legit feelings and memories right now, so it may be a bit too much for some to read.

525,600 minutes later, it still seems like yesterday.
it often replays like a movie in my head...

I remember waking up on the boat with sure panic and heartache... somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico or possibly on the Mississippi River at this point, I was convinced something was wrong, and in my heart I knew he was already gone. 

We went through calling and texting everyone we could think of...

After hours on the phone and going through the chain of command with the police department all the way to the damn chief of police, my phone rang and it was official.

"Hello Mrs. Harris, this is Lt. _______... Are you driving?"
"No""...I'm sorry Mrs. Harris, your husband is deceased."
I called my next door neighbor, because clearly the police officer was wrong, but she said it was true.
The next call was his mom, a call I never expected to make. Not even sure what I told her...


Four hours away, somewhere in Louisiana, our 4 yo daughter in the back seat asking where is daddy and why cant she talk to him?

We switched cars, so that my dad could take Lani home and i could go to the house.

I remember pulling up and seeing the coroner's van...
I remember seeing Shawn, Momma Wiliams, and my brother standing in the yard...
I remember collapsing right there...
Even more so i remember a neighbor coming over smiling and asking "whats going on? in a joking manner, and thinking "b*tch don't you see the cop cars and coroner van? wtf do you think is going on??? (but i digress)"
I remember begging to see him...
I remember the Detective apologizing, giving me his condolences and telling me that he didn't suggest i see anything. It seemed Sean had a heart attack a day or so before.  He told me i should just sign the paper to release Sean's body, then get back into the car until they were done....
I never got to see him...
I never got to hold his hand...
I never got to say a legit goodbye...
I remember my dog Bez busting out of the neighbors house and running to me and knocking me down... (but now that i think about it, this may have been a different day)
I had to go tell Lani still....
What do i say...
how do i say it...
how can i break my childs heart
I had to sit down with a 4 year old and tell her that her Hero, her best friend, and her father had died.

I told her as soon as we got home, that daddy died and went to heaven like our puppy Bella,  and she let out the loudest scream i ever heard. then she balled up in my lap and cried herself to sleep.

I remember my mother in law and cousin Walter pulling up late that night to my parents house and just looking at her feeling like i had no idea what to say.  I had lost my husband, but SHE HAD LOST HER CHILD. 
I still can't fathom what that must have felt like.
I... I.... I... all those I's 
it still seems so selfish and self centered as i recount those days

The next 24 hours was basically a blur. I was supposed to be making plans but I just remember walking in circles around the cul de sac in my parents' neighborhood and staring at the clouds and crying. my phone rang nonstop with calls and messages as people began to find out.  Someone had posted on Facebook already so the news spread so very fast. 

I don't remember calling family and friends but i do remember them showing up. I can't tell you who was there, i just remember a blur of people all around, who kept saying you need to eat.  but i wasn't hungry.  

We had a million things to do... i needed to call the coroners office and a funeral home and the insurance company and all this shit that I never expected to deal with....

All that kept ringing through my head, was him telling me that he had a bad feeling and just felt like something was wrong, and that he didn't think he would be alive when we returned...

I flipped and flopped between anger and heartache...
why didn't you give me more warning???
You could've chosen to get help...
You could've gone to the doctor...
why didn't I stay???
We should've at least been together and happily married when all this is happening.
Why did God do this to us?
What did we ever do to deserve this?
What will Lani remember?
Where will we go from here?
how will we pay our bills?
Was he in pain?
Was it quick?
What was going through his mind as all this happened?
Did he even have time to think?
Did he cry?
What will everyone else think? 
I hope they know this was natural.
What if people start rumors?
Why should i care what others think?
When will this nightmare end?
Why did God hate me so much to make this my reality?


Lots of questions...
Not a lot of answers

A year later we are much more functional than we were that day.
Our hearts still hurt
And we all still have a hole in our hearts, that will never fully be filled

Let Go and Let God....

Note: This is one of the many posts that has just been sitting in draft form for at least a month

I had to decide to just "let go and let God," with my anger.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm still find myself angry at times, but I have to remind myself what is the purpose of the anger?
Where will it get me?
What will it solve?


The Answer: NOTHING

What it has done is created divides in my life and rifts in a relationship...

I was once told that relationships are like a sheet of paper.  If you take care of it and protect it, it will always last.  However, if you damage it, trash it, scribble all over it, no matter how you try to smooth it out and erase the marks, there are always remnants and reminders of the past.

Some of this hurt happened months and years ago, while others may have happened days or weeks ago.

The point of it all, is that holding on to hurt and anger is more toxic to you than it is to the person that you are holding the grudge against.

So we let go and Let God and pray that things improve.
If they don't, then you know that God removed them from your life for a reason.

What ever happens, a weight has been lifted off my shoulder and i can breath easily, walk freely and live more fully

I can honestly say I feel so much better and happier  as a result

Her name is Me....

Monday officially marked the 11 months since Sean's passing.

Even more so it marks one month countdown until the one year anniversary.

I've spent a lot of time this week thinking, and mostly avoiding being at home, because the quite makes for a great "devil's playground."

I've replayed the last few weeks and month  of Sean's life in my head repeatedly.

It was spent mostly fighting and discussing divorce.

Something we promised we'd never do.

Something neither of us truly believed in or wanted

Something that had become the only option, if any of us expected to get out of this alive (ironic).

When i look through the text messages they are so angry and far from where we began... but randomly there is this one message in the middle of all of them, it was actually sent on June 12th last year (funny how different things can be in just a year)

It was a discussion about how I had lost myself in our marriage and that when I looked in the mirror I didn't recognize "ME" anymore. I had gained weight.  Stopped doing my makeup. My hair was constantly in a ponytail.  My eyes were empty. I was watching my life in 3rd person.  Apart of it, but feeling totally out of control. 

How did we get here?

How did things get this bad?

Why won't he just get the help he needs so we can have the fairytale he promised me?

How do you give up on someone when you took a vow for forever?

Am i doing whats best for Lani?

IS this what she will think marriage and "love" should look like?

What the hell am I doing here?

I was listening to the song "Me" by Tamia and realized that the words seemed to sat everything i wanted but could never get out.  I wanted so hard to fix him, that i broke myself down.  In fact i can remember sitting in PDH and the song fix you began to play, and i began to ball right there in an auditorium full of people.  I knew my friend Meg understood the tears as i tried to blame it on PMS.  But truthfully speaking, it was an ongoing cycle, and I finally decided I had to put Lani and I first.   While it hurts my heart daily that Sean had to go, I truly believe it was God's way of giving ALL of us a second chance at a happy ending.  For some people that last line will come across as both brash and insensitive, but if you were around for the last 3 years, then you will understand entirely where I'm coming from. We would have never truly left each other alone, and I'm not sure where any of us would be today. 

I miss Sean daily.  There is not a day that goes by, that we don't talk about him, and i pray that when I  get to heaven he and i will be able to talk and embrace and I pray that he remembers the love we had in the beginning. Initially i felt like Lay Me Down by Sam Smith explained my feelings.  I remember downloading the album in August and listening to that song  and just laying in bed crying.  

How would i go on?

What will happen to us now?

Can i just dog back to the bad times?  

Even the bad would be better than nothing at all.

Something?

Anything?

But day by day things got a little easier and a little more possible.  

I learned to smile again. 

I began to laugh again.

I felt a peace in my heart

I wasn't worried any more

I was happy

a huge weight and stress that i carried for so long were now gone.

 I felt guilty.

i felt judged

i felt conflicted

i felt like there became two Ashleys

The Me that i felt comfortable being, and the Me that i felt everyone expected me to be.

I would go back and read through the messages and emails we exchanged over the years, and this same text would stand out time and time again

 (yes i know its the same pic, but i didn't want you to have to scroll up again! you're welcome)

It reminds me that Sean would want ME to keep living and be happy.  and yes i used the word "ME" again.  which feels selfish, but I'm being honest. One of the hardest parts to being a widow is the constant feeling  of judgment and wondering what others are thinking.  

Is she too happy?

Is she moving on?

Has she forgotten Sean?

And the answer to all of these is NO.

But i also have found a part of myself that was missing. 

The "Ashley" i forgot existed.

 I have learned to laugh again.

And laugh in a way that i forgot that i could.

(ignore the dirt and unmoved grass.  its been raining ALOT here)

 As i type this post, the storm clouds have opened  a ray of sun is shining straight through my window.  I'd like to think that's Sean shining his approval down on me and supporting me on my journey to finding happiness 

So my lyrics now are some what of a mash up between
 Break Free.. 

I only want to die alive
Never by the hands of a broken heart
I don't wanna hear you lie tonight
Now that I've become who I really am

This is the part when I say I don’t want it
I'm stronger than I've been before

This is the part when I break free

Chandelier...

I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier

I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist

Like it doesn't exist

I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry

I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier

I'll Remember

Say goodbye to not knowing when
The truth in my whole life began
Say goodbye to not knowing how to cry
You taught me that

And I'll remember the strength that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
I'll remember the way that you saved me
I'll remember

A Moment In Heaven...

note: i actually typed this on the flight to el paso and while i was there but wasn't sure if i wanted to post it, but in light of fathers day, i've decided to share it

Our first trip back to El Paso since Sean’s passing and my anxiety is on a 110!!! 

What will it be like?

How will i go into his house and room (which mind you he never really lived in, but its still his stuff) without him?

How will i have dinner with his family without him?

It just seems wrong to be visiting his family (our family too, but you know what i mean) without him.

I immediately begin to feel the anxiety creeping up to 210… 

This just feels wrong… But it has to be done.  

It'll be like ripping off a bandage; once it's done it done

When we got on the plane Lani really wanted to sit by the window, which was fine since we had the entire row to ourselves.  (Plus Sean always like the window seat so I’m pretty used to riding scrub) 

While we were “approaching our desired altitude” there were the MOST beautiful clouds i’ve ever seen.  I made the mistake of commenting that it looks like heaven.

Why did I say that?

She got so excited.  "If we are in heaven then we will see Daddy?” with the biggest smile you’ve ever seen

~ Cue tears :(

What do you say to that??? I was speechless. 

~As perceptive as she is, she immediately noticed my expression, and responded, “we aren’t going to see him are we?” 

Still quiet.

Still with tears.

Still heartbroken for her.

How many times in the last 10 months has she felt this way?

How many times in the next 70+ years will she feel this way?

And how many times will i be left unable to speak? 

Im her mom.

I’m supposed to be able to answer her questions and comfort her broken heart, but this is something I just can’t fix.  

It was an evening flight, so i tried to close the blinds and get her to take a nap, but she wanted them to stay open, just in case daddy made an appearance. Eventually she dozed off a bit, but would wake up occasionally and peak out the window. Each time with the same hope and heartache in her eyes

So as the sun set  over the mountains as we were landing, she squeezed my hand 3 times and said the sweetest thing. I saw Daddy in my dreams mommy.  He was standing in the clouds and smiled and waved at me.  He was on a far cloud but i heard him say i love you."

She had the sweetest smile and happiest look on her face.
You see thats the beauty and magic that still lies in her youth and innocence. Despite everything the universe has thrown her way, she maintains her faith, and it carries her through the hard moments when I don't know what else to do.

So i thank God for continuing to bless her with moments with Sean, especially her brief one in heaven.   

The Quiet is So Loud

After being in a relationships for almost 1/2 of my life (legitimately 17 of my 32 years), being alone is sometimes devastating.   There were times i would pray for quietness and alone time, and now my life is full of it.

At night when Lani goes to sleep, or in the morning before she wakes, all thats left is the quiet....the still... and more alone time than i ever knew existed.

You look for company, friends, family to help fill void, but when it all boils down to it, the void is still there. You look around and see no one.

And suddenly the quiet that I once craved, seems so loud.  Almost deafening.

Dealing with feelings and emotions that i didn't expect to experience until my 70's or at least my 60's.  But here i am 32 and living the life i never imagined, and experiencing a silence that seems so loud.

People keep telling me that 2015 will be a big year for me, and I hope that is true

ANYTHING YOU UNDERGO....

This year has definitely been one of struggle and heartache.... it has easily been the worst year of my life. 

 Even more so, it has been the most growthful (yes i made a word up) year of my life as well.

Most days I make it through the day without a complete breakdown.  

Other days it seems almost an impossible effort just to breath.  

I look around and still feel like I'm in a fog, possibly a bad dream, or maybe even a movie.  

Somedays I feel like I'm watching my life in 3rd person.  Likes its a movie playing out in front of me.  I see it... I feel it... I smell it...  I experience it...  but i have very little control over any of it. 

There are days that I have no memory of.  If i do have a memory of them, it's snapshots, clip...  Sometimes triggered by a scent or a phrase, and suddenly deja vu strikes.  A memory resurfaces. A friend usually fills in the gaps.

I was once told that when someone experiences tragedy, they go through shock. At the time I had no idea that I was experiencing shock.  In fact I was pretty irritated by anyone who even uttered it,  but looking back, I had classic symptoms:

Emotional and psychological symptoms of trauma:

Shock, denial, or disbelief Anger, irritability, mood swings Guilt, shame, self-blame Feeling sad or hopeless

Confusion, difficulty concentrating Anxiety and fear Withdrawing from others Feeling disconnected or numb

Physical symptoms of trauma:

Insomnia or nightmares Being startled easily Racing heartbeat Aches and pains

Fatigue Difficulty concentrating Edginess and agitation Muscle tension

I had all of them at some time or moment.  There are times that I feel like I'm still experiencing some of these symptoms, but through church, family, friends, and even blogging I truly believe I'm making my way out of it.  

I've asked God many times why did this have to happen to us?

Wasn't there another solution? 

Other options? 

Why couldn't he solve our struggles another way?

What about Lani? 

When will i tell her the truth about what happened to daddy? (she knows he went to heaven, and she knows there was a heart attack, but no other details)

Did God believe her life would be better growing up with out a father?

What memories will she have?

How do I explain alcoholism to her when she is older?

So many questions and a forever feeling like there were no answers....

Day in and day out... 

Why God?

Why me?

Why us?

Why him?

How much more can we handle?

Finally at church this Sunday, i felt like God answered some or most of my questions through Pastor Edward's sermon.  (Note this is an earlier service than the one i attended but the gist is still the same)

The message began with 3 simple statements

1. There is a God.

2. He has a plan for you

3. Don't miss it.

In that moment, in the very first few minutes of the sermon, tears filled my eyes.  This was all God's plan. I don't have to understand it.  i don't have to like it. but i do have to have faith in it. 

There were a lot of great points in Pastor Conway's message but these few points resonated with me.

• Nothing can happen to you unless he allows it, and if he allows it then he's prepared you for it. It's is preparing you for your future blessings. 
• You have to have enough courage to take a step of faith and believe in God! 
• We don't know what he's up to, we just have to be faithful. 
• If you want to know what God wants done, you have to look at what he has done. 
• Every problem you experience now, is linked to a future possibility and preparing you fro the future 
• Because of your obedience in his will, God blesses you.

I've read my notes on this sermon, repeatedly.  And then today i saw this picture

and it was just further proof.

WE CAN OVERCOME ANYTHING WE UNDERGO!

 Now, while it's safe to say, i have no idea of the destination for the journey we are currently on, but i do know God has prepared us, and we will survive it.

SO HERES TO 2015. 

and to a journey and life completely unimagined. 

Life Unimagined

When I was a child I used to imagine that growing up and getting married was like a fairytale.  The castle, prince charming and of course the "happily ever after"!

As I grew up I learned that what I imagined was just that, A Fairytale.

And while some moments in life had been fairytalesque (yes i know thats not a word), life for me would be anything but that.  There would be highs and low,  good times and bad,  joy and heartache, and everything in between.

This time of year we take time to reflect on what we are thankful for...
In the past my list has been pretty typical:
1. my husband
2. my daughter
3. my family
4. my home
5. God continuing to provide for us each and every day.

This year the holidays have brought about lots of fear and anxiety for me.  Forcing that list to change in ways i never imagined
1. God:  Despite the heartache that we have experienced this year, i can truly saw that my faith in God has increased in leaps and bounds.  Every time my faith begins to waiver, he comes in to remind me that he is still there, and still protecting and providing for us.
2.  The good times that Sean and I had together and the memories that he and Lani were able to form before he passed.  Even more so the fact that we were able to capture so much of it on video so when she grows she is able to look back and reflect/remember the time she had with her dad
2. my daughter:  She is one of the main reasons I've survived this year.  She forces me to get up when i'd rather stay in bed all day.  Reminds me that someone is constantly watching and imitating what i do, and that i must stand up and give her someone to look up to.
3. my mother: Who always has my back and supports my actions even when she doesn't agree with them
4. my AMAZING friends and support group: While they've always had my back, they have been my rock the last 6 months and i've said time and again i dont know where i would be with out them.  Something so small as our little group chats make each day better. there is always a joke popping in when i need a laugh the most.
5. my home: While for a lot of people staying in the house would be awkward,  it has been a place of comfort for lani and i, and while we will most likely move in the near future,  at this current point im thankful to have a roof over my head
6. My JOB: Not only am i thankful to have a career, but im thankful for the built in family that comes with it.  They have taken care of us over the last 10 years, but especially the last 5 months.


I think if anything i've learned this year, is to stop making my plans of what the future will bring and rest in sure that God's plan will happen either way.  Even more so i've learned that to stop imagining what my future will be, and just take everyday for what it is,  while living Life Unimagined.

A Soundtrack to Life II....

The last few months have been a whirlwind to say the least.... And while each day has it's painful moments, I can honestly say, I can see the light at the end and its so beautiful and clear...

So my soundtrack to life has changed a little

1. Pretty Wings by Maxwell:  Sean used to sing this song to my belly  when I was pregnant with Lani.  It was truly one of his favorite songs, and to be honest I never really listened to the words.  However on the one month anniversary of his death I heard this and I total got it.  Him leaving was giving us a chance to live the life he wish he could have given us....  The life we planned for and dreamed about as kids....The life that alcoholism had taken a way....  And it also helped me to realize that  he would want me to live my life and be happy....

2. Fix You by Cold Play: So describes how the last three years of my life were.  Constantly trying to help Sean overcome his demons and see the beautiful person that everyone else saw.  For such a great person, his insecurities were debilitating and kept him from every know how great he truly was

3. Make it to Me by Sam Smith  this song brings tears to my eyes for so many reasons.. while it reminds me of Sean, it also reminds me that there is someone else out there for me, and that this has all been a journey in my life but my road is not nearly complete

 4. Girls Just Want to Have (acoustic): This totally makes me think of my life right now, because i feel like the past 5 months has taught me to take advantage of the life God has given me and enjoy each day, but everyone wants me to be sad and depressed nonstop.  while i have moments of sadness and heartache, i feel like i constantly have to remind people that i didn't pass away as well, and each day I am choosing to live!

5. Drive by Incubus: This song just personifies me!  "Whatever tomorrow brings i'll be there, with open arms and open eyes."  I've been much more aware of the little things

6. Perfect by Alanis Morrisett:  For a very long time i felt like i had to be "Perfect."  That is a HUGE task to fill.  Honor roll, dean's list, college graduate, perfect wedding, SKINNY, well dressed, hair and makeup done, trophy wife, successful career.... and each time i didn't accomplish one of these task i felt like a failure at life.   That struggle with perfection actually was a major factor in my depression during college because i didn't feel like i was fulfilling the expectations that others had for me.  I remember being in middle school and hearing this  song for the first time and balling, thinking "WOW!" she put my feelings into words.  I think i am just finally getting to the point where I'm ok with my lack of perfection, self acceptance, and not really caring what others think as well.

7. Wide Open Spaces by the Dixie Chicks:  I feel like i spent so much time living my life to what i thought was expected of me, that now I'm finally exploring the world.  So at the moment I'm making mistakes and exploring my life with new eyes

8. Skyscraper (acoustic) by Demi Lovato~  What more needs to be said other than i will keep rising from the ground!

9. Awesome by Charles Jenkins~ This song has gotten me through so many days!  My GOD is SOOOO Awesome and the fact that i am still here today proves that. When i am down this calm wave just comes over me and suddenly i feel empowered and strengthened to fight another day

 
11. Break Free (Acoustic) by Jessie Micheals~ The first time i heard Break Free by Araiana Grande and Zedd i balled.  It totally made me reflect on my life and reminded me that i was strong enough to survive all of this.  I absolutely love acoustic versions of songs, especially this one.  I feel like you can feel the full emotion of the song.

A feeling....

From the moment I arrived in Houston  I felt overwhelmed with emotions.  For 2 years I spent every holiday, long weekend, and summer vacation here. Houston was my second home.  As I drove down 45 south I kept thinking, how many times he drove this drive straight from work, just so we could cuddle. He would get there an hour or two before I'd have to wake up. It was a perfect surprise every time.

For a moment it hurt being here because this was the first time I was here without Sean.

Then a calmness and peace set in and I felt at home.

I felt so happy and a huge whole in my heart seemed smaller.

Watching Lani laugh and smile more than I've seen in the last two months, and feeling wrapped in the community of support .

The only tears have been knowing that I have to leave.

SFA Alumni lovingly refer to Nac as "neverland", and being around every one feels exactly like that.  While I know it's not a permanent fix for the hurt we are feeling, it is just what we need.


So for now I'm keeping my eyes on the 2nd star the right and straight on til morning!

See you soon  Houston

Loneliness and Questions....

The anger has subsided and now loneliness has set in....

I miss my husband...

I miss the hugs...
the kisses...
your beautiful smile...
the laughter...
your smell...
the inside jokes...
holding me at night, and your scruff scratching my face and neck....
knowing my every secret, wish and goal in life...

i even miss the stupid arguments....
the long toe nails scratching me at night...
"wooking" with the door open...
the constant smell of beef jerky....
all the other annoying habits that i complained about  for the last 14 years(funny i cant remember one specifically now)...


I regret not letting him hug me too tight, or by squeezing both arms, because I felt claustrophobic...
I regret not showing you more PDA, because it "wasn't appropriate" or was embarrassing.
I regret not being there with you as you left this world and holding your hand...


I look around and wonder where my life goes from here?
I feel so selfish asking this.  I mean i should be greatful that God has spared our lives.
But it's honestly how I feel.

Why us???
What do i do now?
Who's going to love me now?
Why my husband?
Will I ever feel loved again?

Then I think of Lani and my heart breaks more.

She only had 4 1/2 years of having a dad... actually 4 years, 7 months, and 2 days. Some people get a lifetime of having a father. why not her?

Who will take her to  daddy/daughter dances?
Who will walk her down the isle?
Who will give her advice about men?
Who will intimidate guys who want to date her?
Who will her future husband ask permission to marry his daughter?
Why did God decide that she didn't need to grow up with a daddy?
Will someone fill that void for her one day?
Do we want someone to fill that void?
What will she miss most?


I go back and forth in my mind of why God has done this.

I try to convince myself that this was for a reason.

In my mind I want to believe we were meant to be, but my heart wants to know why it wasn't meant to be forever.

So I sit and just wait for God's plan to unfold, while my heart remains broken.

There is no band-aide for this.
There is no cure for this pain.


... and we are just here.....

sad....

sitting.....

in the loneliness and full of questions