Loneliness and Questions....

The anger has subsided and now loneliness has set in....

I miss my husband...

I miss the hugs...
the kisses...
your beautiful smile...
the laughter...
your smell...
the inside jokes...
holding me at night, and your scruff scratching my face and neck....
knowing my every secret, wish and goal in life...

i even miss the stupid arguments....
the long toe nails scratching me at night...
"wooking" with the door open...
the constant smell of beef jerky....
all the other annoying habits that i complained about  for the last 14 years(funny i cant remember one specifically now)...


I regret not letting him hug me too tight, or by squeezing both arms, because I felt claustrophobic...
I regret not showing you more PDA, because it "wasn't appropriate" or was embarrassing.
I regret not being there with you as you left this world and holding your hand...


I look around and wonder where my life goes from here?
I feel so selfish asking this.  I mean i should be greatful that God has spared our lives.
But it's honestly how I feel.

Why us???
What do i do now?
Who's going to love me now?
Why my husband?
Will I ever feel loved again?

Then I think of Lani and my heart breaks more.

She only had 4 1/2 years of having a dad... actually 4 years, 7 months, and 2 days. Some people get a lifetime of having a father. why not her?

Who will take her to  daddy/daughter dances?
Who will walk her down the isle?
Who will give her advice about men?
Who will intimidate guys who want to date her?
Who will her future husband ask permission to marry his daughter?
Why did God decide that she didn't need to grow up with a daddy?
Will someone fill that void for her one day?
Do we want someone to fill that void?
What will she miss most?


I go back and forth in my mind of why God has done this.

I try to convince myself that this was for a reason.

In my mind I want to believe we were meant to be, but my heart wants to know why it wasn't meant to be forever.

So I sit and just wait for God's plan to unfold, while my heart remains broken.

There is no band-aide for this.
There is no cure for this pain.


... and we are just here.....

sad....

sitting.....

in the loneliness and full of questions