Sunday, August 3, 2014

Safe to say I'm in the Anger Stage

I'm pretty sure I'm in the anger stage of grief.

Angry at Sean for never going to the doctor, and possibly avoiding this heartbreak that we are experiencing right now.

Angry at God for taking Sean so young, leaving Lani without a father, and me without my partner. for not giving me the chance to say goodbye... for Lani only being 4 and not getting a lifetime of memories that other kids will have.... for allowing other people to live to be 102, but my husband to be 32.

Angry at every person that says I'm sorry for your loss. I know how bad you must be hurting... unless you lost your husband unexpectedly, and became a single mom out of no where, i'm pretty sure you don't.  I didn't loose a shoe or a piece of jewelry, my husband died.  Do you know what its like to tell your child she will never see her dad again?  or to just look at her when she asks why because i have no real answer why either

Angry at everyone who says pull yourself together and be strong for your daughter... 1st off its important for her to see me cry and grieve, it helps her grieve as well.  secondly who are you to tell me about my kid and how to parent??? unless you were up with us at the hospital all those many nights, and been there contributing to her life

Angry at every person who says "If you need anything, just ask"... Um yeah, i have no idea what i freaking need and what if i said I need you to pay off his car, or pay Lani's daycare bill, better yet help with the mortgage and utilities this month... oh you didn't mean that type of anything did you... so don't say anything

Angry at every person that tells me that God just needed another angel and called him home... Really because there were lots of people to choose from to be an angel, why Sean?

Angry at family and friends who haven't been there the way they should be or causing more stress and pain during this time. So often I just want to yell and scream "F OFF" or "F ALL OF YOU" to  them.

You weren't there then....

You aren't here now...

This isn't about you...

I don't feel sorry for you...

I don't accept your apology....

But i don't say anything .... i just look and wonder if this anger is going to end.  I ask God for the strength to move forward, not on.  Moving on seems like we continue to have this honky-dory life without Sean, and thats not whats happening.  Moving forward is that we find happiness despite loosing Sean and try to find Sean in even the smallest things.

I continually read the following verse and try to remind myself of God's plan.    Pretty sure faith and Lani are the main to reason's i've survived the last 3 weeks

10 This is what the Lord says: “When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place. 11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.[b] I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”
Jeremiah 29:10-14

1 comment:

  1. I have a friend who's husband died at 30 a few years ago. He just died of a heart attack at work. No one saw it coming. She was left raising their two girls. (8 and 11 at the time, I think)
    I live in Texas and so does she. I think she would be a great person for you to talk to. She has been moving forward. There were days in the beginning where all she could was be in the shower and cry. I remember being at a store and I saw her and the girls and her youngest stood in the middle of the store crying and weeping for her daddy to come back.
    They have been moving forward together and God has brought them some unexpected blessings along the way.
    Email me if you want her number. My email is We live in DFW. Not sure where you live, but regardless she would understand.


wedding video