3:02 am....

3:02 am... i looked at the clock to be sure it was real.... I've never had a dream that felt so real... one where I could smell, feel texture and warmth....

I felt a hand hold my hand. I could feel every grain and crease in your rough hands that fit perfectly to mine perfectly, and i knew it was you. And there it was... 3 squeezes... and i squeezed back 4 times...

I could feel  you laying down beside me and holding me.
wrap your arms around me only the way you could... I could feel your warmth and that safe feeling...

I could feel your kisses on my cheeks and the back of my head and it was the best feeling in the world.

I asked if you were ok and happy?
You said "Yes" and that you loved me and missed me, and I told you I loved and missed you too.
you didn't sound super happy, but you weren't sad either.  there was a calmness in your voice.

I was too scared to move to turn around and see you because if i was dreaming, this would end, and i'd much rather feel you and lay with you than nothing.

We talked some more.  You said you were proud of me, and hanging with Grandma and your Dad!

In a flash you were laying in front of me. You had on a white t-shirt, your glasses, and black and red basketball shorts that i haven't seen in some time.  I saw your beautiful face and you looked so perfect.  You hugged and kissed Lani without waking her and told her you loved her.

Just as she jumped up you disappeared...

I looked at the clock again still 3:02... it seemed like an eternity, but the time hadn't changed... it just stood stil

She asked had i seen her sippy cup, and then for some milk.  We looked for it, and couldn't find her cup so she just came and laid next to me and then she said it...

she had a great dream bout daddy that he kissed her and hugged her and told her he missed and loved his toom time bears...

Then she fell back to sleep...

I could hardly sleep again. Scared i'd miss another moment. That you'd appear again

At some point i dozed off, but woke up again to feel the blankets tucked all the way around me, like you would do when i was sick, and i knew it wasn't a dream...

I just lay there still.. feeling him...

Lani woke up a little later with the biggest smile on her face, and told me her story again this time in much more detail.  She asked me to write it down on her notepad....

Daddy, Sean, Showed me Bella, Batchy, & Bailey

Then he said "Lani! Hey! theres my toom time bears!"

He came down to see me.

We had a conversation.

we had fun.

we went outside to play soccer, early when mommy was sleeping.

Daddy loves me, he always said he loved me forever before the bible.

Daddy is always with us.

He'll always be my friend.



The tears of joy and heartache have been streaming ... miss you so much my love... see you soon... a million x's a billion x's infinity