the psychic ....

if only there was a way to tag my bridesmaids in this post.... and i feel as if there was a prior post about this, i may just need to do some digging through my old blogs... so i guess ill just have to start from the beginning *shrugs*

prior to Sean and I's wedding, i had my bachelorette party in New Orleans, and while there aren't many stories i can share from that trip, lol,  this is one of them...

One morning, some of the girls and I decided to get up early and do a little sight seeing.  We would explore the town and check out some of the street vendors. While walking in Jackson Square, a lady grabs my hand and says she needs to speak to me. Pretty sure that she could tell by the look on my face that I was clearly frightened when a stranger grabbed my hand. When I looked around I saw an empty palm reader table and quickly informed her that i didn't believe in psychics.  She stated to me that she knew I was a non believer but had a very important message for me, so she would need to tell me about my past and current, before she could tell me my future.

She said that she had a message from my grandmother who had just passed away, and that i had told her something when i was alone with her after she passed at the hospital.
" She wants you to know that she was still there and heard everything you said.  She is sorry about what happened and understands and loves you too."

I immediately began to ball.  She asked me was i willing to listen now, obviously i said yes and sat down.

"You are getting married soon..." (now mind you i had on NO items to signify my engagement, not even my ring, i had actually taken it off to clean it and left it in the hotel room) "and you are wondering, if this is the right decision, the answer is yes."  

And again I began to cry.  Just a few weeks prior, Sean and I had our first real argument about his drinking, and we had discussed cancelling the wedding.  At this point deposits were paid, he had just transferred to Dallas, and we ended up talking it all out, but this was the first time I  was honestly concerned that he had a problem. I remember my cousin Arry and Lisha holding my hand and us just listening to everything she said, while i cried...

" This marriage is meant to happen and apart of your journey. About a year after you are married you will have a daughter.  she will be smart and beautiful and the light of your lives. She will help you... i need you to understand me, things will get VERY HARD, and VERY BAD before they get better. You must push through, and no matter what, STAY IN YOUR MARRIAGE... you will want to give up at times, and when times get hard remember to turn to God and your family..." 

and i just continued to cry... i mean this isn't the most optimistic story going so far here

"Once you can get through the hard times, eventually things will turn out better.  Eventually you will have two sons, very close in age.  Older than your daughter, i see twins, so if not twins close in age"

she repeated this part multiple times and it was very confusing at the time...

"you will be very close to one, and your husband to the other, you will be the protector of one..." 

i remember thinking that i thought she was confused and maybe picking up a reference to our family and not me, as this storyline sounded familiar, but listened anyway.

"you will eventually have another child, but when you least expect it, and it will be a son.  you will live a long and happy life, but whenever times are hard you must remember to turn to your faith, and remember to just keep praying."

When she finished i tried to pay her but she refused to accept my money.  I cried the entire way back to the hotel.  Sitting now its been almost 11 years since that day, and most of her fortune has come to fruition.  If that last part does, L will be a little disappointed, as she still prays for a sister almost daily, and is convinced that D and I "just won't give her one" lol!

But Lani was born 13 days after our second anniversary, and is the most incredible little girl i could've ever prayed for.

If you follow my blog, then you know the spectrum of how difficult things became....


And I am now I am the happiest I've ever been, and I've ended up with "two older sons" who are a year apart in age, and one who I'm constantly protecting from a butt whooping lol.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future... Jeremiah 29:11

p.s. i love you....'

today i watched it...
i know what you're thinking, "a widow watching p.s. i love you is a recipe for disaster."

i didn't make it through the first 20 minutes last time i watched, but today i watched it in it's entirety.
today i saw a different side of the movie.
its not just about a widow, but about her finding herself.
and it dawned on me how we all go through our own journey to find ourselves.
and while i'm 99.99% sure most of our journeys aren't fabulously orchestrated by our late spouse, the journey is key.

for 15 years we were "Sean and Ashley" ...
and for a long time i didn't know what i was without Sean...
because in the good times, the turmoil, the happiness and the chaos, we were still a unit...

so the question became, what was i now?

i remember the first time i filled out a form and had to check my marital status

- single
- married
- divorce

those were my only options, and i didn't feel like any applied to me

so who was i?

what was i?

it took the last few years for me to figure that out.
to reach a place where i know who i am.

there were many tear filled nights, and panicked breakdowns.
there were so many nights alone, and lucid dreams where i'm sure that reality and the dream world converged for a while.

there was confusion and unanswered questions for both myself and my child

how could i answer her questions?
who was going to answer my questions?

and then i remembered what the pastor told me when they came to visit...

"ask God all the questions you want.... be angry... be mad... but know that he might not answer all of them, and they may not be the answers you wanted to hear."

you see sometimes God calms the storm, but other times he allows the storm to rage on and move us to where we need to be...

The last 3 years have definitely moved me, but they also allowed me to find myself

i am
... a black woman
... a believer in God's power
... a mother
... a daughter
... a sister
... an educator
... Ashley

and yes i am a widow,  but am no longer defined by this.
It is a facet of who i am.

1,043,200 minutes ago

a million seems like an unfathomable number in some ways....
we don't have a million dollars....
we don't know a million people...
and while it may feel like it sometimes, L doesn't own a million toys...

but some how a million minutes have passed since we said our final good byes...
1,043,200 minutes to be exact....

some days it feels like yesterday, and in others it feels like a lifetime...

we've changed....
we've grown...
Lani seems to have aged by leaps and bounds...

but Sean will forever be 33

we have managed to see the light again...
We are smiling 90% of the time..
But every once in a while.... those feelings creep back

thank you to all who continue to lift us in prayer....

Beat to your own drum...

My cousin AB and I are soul sisters with out a doubt.  She's my "Twin."

Im not sure if its a blessing or a curse at times that our lives have aligned so much.  

Dont get me wrong i love that we always have each other, and that we've been through so many of the same life experiences, so that we always know that the other one gets it. But at the same time, it sucks knowing that some of, ok, a lot of the crappy experiences have been shared as well. And i wouldnt wish some of those days and moments on my worst enemy (although i dont have any enemies... sorry for the tangents, this is what happens when i blog without ADD meds lol)

But recently we had discussion on the fact that our lives are so parallel, but from opposite perspectives, and we got to talking about "beating to your own drum."

I think thats my life right now.

I have this huge family, who i love to death, but at this moment in life i've been keeping to myself and beating to my own drum.  Making my own experiences and being decidedly selfish.

AB and i discussed how this can make people feel like i don't care, which i totally get.

However at this point and stage of my life, i've really had to become selfish and focus on myself and Lani. 

Now there are people like AB and my mom  who really don't let me go full recluse.  They just call and text me anyway, and when i don't respond they show up.  But there are others like my Bestie MJ, who give me the business and a reality check, when i start to fall off, and remind me that others need me to be present as well, and i'm working on that.

But what i've come to realize with this whole cycle and journey, is that there is a phase of rediscovery and stepping out on your own.  I think my my other "life-twin-cousin" Autumn is  going through a similar stage in her grief process as well.  You want to branch out...  You want to move...  You want to change your clothes and hair... You want to try new things... 

You are trying to discover who "you" are all over again, something that most of us figured out around 22-23.  

With discovering the new you it forces you to reevaluate things, and for me, it's really made me want to develop my own relationships and experiences.  

Finding and meeting new people, who don't know me as "Sean's wife Ashley."

Legitimately, for the first year after Sean's passing, I swore that was my official name and that was how people would introduce/reference me.  

~ Hi this is Ashley, my friend Sean's wife

~ Hi you remember Ashley, Sean's wife

Which was always followed by pity and i'm so sorry about your loss convo... awkward to say the least in the middle of weddings, baby showers, parties, bars... its a buzz kill...

It just became so depressing, and often ended with me in tears.

So i just separated myself from it.  

I just wanted it to be 

~Hi this is my friend Ashley...

Thats it!

So thats kind of where i'm at right now.  

Making new friends.

Rekindling some old friendships.

And mostly stepping out on my own.

So I apologize if it seems that i've ignored you lately. 

Thats not my goal.

My Goals Are:

1. Take care of Lani, and let her see a mom that she will look back and be proud of one day

2. strengthen my relationship with myself and God

3. Focus on all things that make me happy 

4. Let go of anything that does not serve me for the better good

5. Avoid all triggers of stress and drama

6. Dont take anything in life to serious, there is happiness in everything, if you take the time to find it

7. dont waste a day of life

8. recognize, accept, and appreciate people for who they are

9. step out of my comfort zone regularly 

10. be healthier mentally, physically, and spiritually

Keeping it Real

I feel like i constantly have to walk a line between being respectful to my family, friends, Lani, and Sean's memory, while keeping my blog authentic to my life and my story.

I'm always surprised at the reach of my blog...

Today alone i had views and hits from Moscow, Bangladesh, and Foshan (still have no idea where that is... and if my ADD doesn't kick in too much i will google it after this post... but i digress)

So when i get emails, texts, and dm's from people who read my posts I'm always shocked...
Because despite what some may think, the goal of this blog is to be an outlet of my feelings through out my life journey, as it always has been.

For years i've posted about my struggles
 ... my bucket runneth over....


And while some my posts are controversial to others, the harsh reality is that they are my truth...

The even bigger reality is that for every post i make, there are probably 3-4 that are just sitting in the draft box...

So how do i keep it real to myself and be contentious of everyone's feelings?

I don't know that I can...

Because for every post that is hard for others to read, it was  and is even harder for me to live.

THIS IS MY REALITY.

I love Sean VERY MUCH. And i always will, but my blogging is cathartic and part of my journey through  life...

So if my posts have hurt or offended any of you, I am sorry.  That is never my intent.  My only goal is to be real, and hopefully one day when L is old enough to read these, provide some understanding and clarification as to why i've made certain decisions in my life.

Widowed and Dating....

So i began dating a while ago, but in respect of Sean's fam, i've chosen not to really speak on it.  Although, if you are a follower of my blog, or you know me very well you know there have been a few posts in reference to those I've dated or that have glazed over the matter.

Recently a friend asked me two questions
1. what is it like dating, as a widow?
2. What advice would you give someone whose dating a widow?

because lets be honest, many people don't know young widow and when they meet a 2nd one, immediately the first one they knew is like "the widow expert" ....  so here is my limited widow expertise on this topic...

Question 1 

When you become a "young widow" you immediately join a sisterhood of women who have suffered an extreme loss and heart break far too young... suddenly you go from knowing none, to now i have regular communication with 5-6.  We are all in different stages in this journey, so we can be a good resource for each other.  Thanks to my friend Tammy we even have a secret safe club to communicate  amongst each other, with others who understand ,things that many at our age never will.



When you begin on this journey, you wonder will you ever find love again...

Will you have more kids one day...

Who wants to marry a widow, because there is definite emotional roller coasters at time.

And lets be honest, when your date asks, "why you are single?" and you say "i'm a widow" we tend to get one of three reactions....
Reaction 1. the immediate look of fear (did this chic kill him???) As messed up as this probably sounds, when i see this face, i tend to respond "yes! the answer to your question is yes" if you know my humor you know that this is done with with a completely straight  face and a look like "if you F this up, you're next!" followed by a pause, then "I'm kidding"

Reaction 2:  immediately follows the relieved look but now curiosity has kicked in ,  "So how did he die?"

Reaction 3. the immediate look of sadness and pity rather than fear, which is still followed by "So if you don't mind me asking, how did he die?"

Either way, it can be a real awkward moment...

But there are a few who make it past this point and the convo is still good, and you consider another date.

But you must realize that Widows date with a purpose.  We know what we want, and what we don't...

I think initially we are looking to fill voids, may that be emotionally, physically, etc

Eventually you meet someone that seems to have lasting potential but you are very guarded...

I'm not going to open about my feelings, in fear of hurt and loss

I not going to let you meet L because i don't want her to get attached and then experience loss

And Im going to see how well you put up with me...

If you make it past this point  and a few months, then i may begin to open up...

So far dating this has gone multiple ways as well.... and as you know theres a soundtrack....
1. yeah after a date or 2 I'm like nope, this aint gone work... i still haven't found a song that quite covers it....

2. they had stronger feelings but i was looking for something else...



3. I had feelings and they weren't ready everything that came with dating me, fell somewhere between here ...


and here...


 4. the feelings are mutual and you both are willing to take your time to see what happens...


For Question 2

I think its hard to explain... but this is the best way i can....
1. If i stick around, its because i see something in you that i'm looking for... And i don't mean what you might be, what i want you to be, i mean who you are today....

2. Im a very open person, but becoming a widow makes you very guarded in love, so if i call you , or go out of my way for you i care.  I may not say i care... i amy not say i miss you... and it may take me forever to say i love... but in this situation, my actions truly have to speak louder than my words.

3. if i let you meet L, you are truly special to me, because she is the most important person in my life, and I never want to see the pain and heart break i saw on her face that night, ever again....


So id you make it through all of these then this is the best advice i can give you



How i would respond....

Silent Suffering

Infant and pregnancy loss has always held a special place in my heart.

I remember the heart ache of my mother losing a baby, and never quite understanding how devastating it was for her.

I remember the tears...

The longing looks whenever we saw a baby boy, especially one that would've been the same age as Brian Jamerson.

I remember her laughing it off occasionally when we talked about how they would've been "old parents" and how he would've acted like an old man.

And now as an adult and a mom i can't believe how insensitive we were to her loss and grief. Even more so after knowing the struggles it is to get pregnant and have a baby.

After my sweet friend Meg lost her son Conner to SIDs.  our cheer squad began to host a blue out for SIDS and infant loss awareness.

But there were so many others who last babies all to soon...

Then there were the Johnsons and Kennedy
the Schultes and Beckett...
And many other friends and family members who lost babies or struggled with infertility...
Most of them suffering silently...Because that is what people seem to do with miscarriages... suffer silently, and then pick themselves back up and carry on, because the world says we have to....

These are the ones i felt most connected to.

Sean and I experienced our first heartbreak with "pregnancy" about 5 months after we were married.  We weren't trying to get pregnant, but weren't doing the best job at avoiding it.  In May i missed my period, which were like clockwork.  We were a little excited and a little nervous.  We took a test, and it was negative, but the doctor told us that was common early on, and that we were to just wait another couple of weeks and then re test.  She suggested taking prenatal pills, and we just kept it to our selves and close friends/family (mainly those who were on vacation with us that June). After two months of nausea, gained weight in my torso region only,  missed periods despite my repeated negative test, my doctor ran some blood tests and additional sonograms. When I left was diagnosed with a "pseudopregnancy".  I had a pinched tube which was affecting my ovulation and somehow tricked my body into "thinking it was pregnant."  We were devastated for two months we began to imagine what this "baby" would be like and look like. I was heart broken. But at the same time felt as if i had no right to be. There was no baby there.

About 8 months later we decided we were ready to try for real this time, and by all blessings got pregnant right away.  I was scared to tell anyone until the doctor gave us the all clear, because of our previous experience. Needless to say we ended up with the beautiful Miss Langston and were happy.

We constantly discussed having another baby.  A little boy and his name would be Dylan Carter; son of the sea, and the bringer of good. We knew we wanted to wait until Lani was 2 or 3, but then our separation happened and our plans came to an abrupt stop.  That was until July of 2012.  I was having some issues so i had some testing done and found out that my Mirena IUD wasn't working.  Because I already had a functional cyst, I would have to wait a few weeks to see if the egg in the sonogram would implant before we could even consider any further procedures (a functional cyst occurs in late ovulation and early pregnancy).   Again we weren't ready for a baby and this was far from an ideal time, but we were both excited.  We had already decided that this would have been the son we both wanted...

The next three weeks went along fine.  I had typical pregnancy symptoms, but we still kept things a secret.  I think my cousin Toni, who was living with me at the time,  may have been the only one we told. I remember the Saturday afternoon quite vividly. I began having excruciating pain and was balled up on the bathroom floor in pain and tears.  I was heart broken to know that if i was pregnant, i wasn't anymore.  My doctor called me in a prescription for the pain meds and i went to sleep. She said if the pain or bleeding became too unbearable to go to the hospital.

I went to the doctor that Tuesday, and they ran more blood work and sonograms.  It seemed my cyst had ruptured and there was no egg. Again i didn't feel i had the right to be hurt or devastated, because we never really knew anything for sure. But never the less, our hearts were still broken and we were still devastated. But we suffered silently as many with fertility and pregnancy issues do.

Looking back now, i often try convince myself  that God was not ready for us to have another baby, and I can't imagine how difficult things would be now, as a widow with three kids. But still the same i often find myself wondering what things would've been like had they been here?


So to all those who are missing a sweet angel baby at this moment;  I send my love prayers and hugs. And if you are blessed enough to have a baby with you tonight, hug and kiss them for all the parents who wish they could right now.

back at one....

it seems like i've returned to day one of my adult life...
Hell possibly day one of my teenage life too...
Feeling even more lost than i did a year ago....

You see a year ago i was in a daze...  for a while
I just became a widow, but felt constantly reminded that while becoming a widow i was still separated from Sean when this happened.
So did i deserve to be broken hearted still?
Did that devalue my role as his wife, because we were separated?
Would anyone ever love me again?
Odd question i know, but very real...
I remember sitting in the den probably, a day or two after Sean passed, talking to Amir, and telling him that no one would ever love me again....
I mean despite our disfunction (and it was quite dysfunctional) there was no doubt how much we loved each other.  Quite honestly, I always thought that our love would be the death of us.

So why would someone want to marry a middle aged widow and single mom, when they could find someone who was new and fresh, and someone who wasn't damaged and broken.
A year later that feeling is still there... but differently ....

Will anyone that i love, ever love me?
(and this is not the point where I'm expecting everyone to tell me it will happen. just wait, give it time, etc.  this is me venting)

You see i've always had this thing about falling for people who don't fall for me, or weren't exactly good for me...

Call it a fatal flaw, but so true.
They end up being on of my best friends or breaking my heart...
There really is no in between
And the ones who were probably best for me, and loved me i never loved them...

Maybe its the challenge?
idk
But now a year later i still have this hole, a different hole, but a very large hole.
At 32 this is the longest i've gone without a relationship (crazy i know).
Prior to that i think maybe 3 months.....
Its almost i don't know how to be myself and be single...
Call me codependent, but i enjoy having a partner...
Someone to discuss my plans and bounce my feelings off of.

You see when other people grew up they wanted to be a doctor or a lawyer or a singer...

But me, I wanted to be a teacher, wife and a mom.
Thats it.
And more the latter two, than anything else.

You see I enjoy cooking for a husband...
I want to have more babies...
If you look at my love language and personality, i'm a caterer and acts of service kind of person
So when i can't do that, it seems like that purpose is missing
I had a vision for my life....

And now all that seems not only gone, but impossible...

You know i always try to be an optimist and say that you shouldn't speak negativity into reality, so as i write this, my subconscious is like, "this is totally bad juju ash".  but this is currently my reality.

I am back at one, experiencing what feels like should have been my teenage years for the first time...
And it sucks...

I read a quote today that said, "you can't accompany anyone ins life, until you can be that company for yourself..."

But how do you do that...
I've never had to fill that roll for myself...
I'm great at being a girlfriend, a mother and a wife....
ITs all I've ever really known.
So how do i accompany myself?
I'm not even sure i know what it means to accompany myself...

All i know is that in this moment, with a million people around me i feel very alone.
And i just keep waiting for that person to find me...
Someone who will take my heart and take care of it like their own
and love me despite my frayed and damaged edges
because ultimately i feel like i have so much to offer and no one to give it to

nothing seems to describe it better than "Make it To Me" by Sam Smith

My mind runs away to you
With the thoughts I hope you'll see
Can't see where it's wandered to
But I know where it wants to be

I'm waiting patiently though time is moving slow
I have one vacancy and I wanted you to know that

You're the one designed for me
A distant stranger that I will complete
I know you're out there we're meant to be
So keep your head up and make it to me
And make it to me

So sick of this lonely air
It seems such a waste of breath
So much that I need to share
So much to get off my chest

I'm waiting patiently though time is moving slow
I have one vacancy and I wanted you to know that

You're the one designed for me
A distant stranger that I will complete
I know you're out there we're meant to be
So keep your head up and make it to me
Make it to me

525,600 Minutes

Warning: this is my legit feelings and memories right now, so it may be a bit too much for some to read.

525,600 minutes later, it still seems like yesterday.
it often replays like a movie in my head...

I remember waking up on the boat with sure panic and heartache... somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico or possibly on the Mississippi River at this point, I was convinced something was wrong, and in my heart I knew he was already gone. 

We went through calling and texting everyone we could think of...

After hours on the phone and going through the chain of command with the police department all the way to the damn chief of police, my phone rang and it was official.

"Hello Mrs. Harris, this is Lt. _______... Are you driving?"
"No""...I'm sorry Mrs. Harris, your husband is deceased."
I called my next door neighbor, because clearly the police officer was wrong, but she said it was true.
The next call was his mom, a call I never expected to make. Not even sure what I told her...


Four hours away, somewhere in Louisiana, our 4 yo daughter in the back seat asking where is daddy and why cant she talk to him?

We switched cars, so that my dad could take Lani home and i could go to the house.

I remember pulling up and seeing the coroner's van...
I remember seeing Shawn, Momma Wiliams, and my brother standing in the yard...
I remember collapsing right there...
Even more so i remember a neighbor coming over smiling and asking "whats going on? in a joking manner, and thinking "b*tch don't you see the cop cars and coroner van? wtf do you think is going on??? (but i digress)"
I remember begging to see him...
I remember the Detective apologizing, giving me his condolences and telling me that he didn't suggest i see anything. It seemed Sean had a heart attack a day or so before.  He told me i should just sign the paper to release Sean's body, then get back into the car until they were done....
I never got to see him...
I never got to hold his hand...
I never got to say a legit goodbye...
I remember my dog Bez busting out of the neighbors house and running to me and knocking me down... (but now that i think about it, this may have been a different day)
I had to go tell Lani still....
What do i say...
how do i say it...
how can i break my childs heart
I had to sit down with a 4 year old and tell her that her Hero, her best friend, and her father had died.

I told her as soon as we got home, that daddy died and went to heaven like our puppy Bella,  and she let out the loudest scream i ever heard. then she balled up in my lap and cried herself to sleep.

I remember my mother in law and cousin Walter pulling up late that night to my parents house and just looking at her feeling like i had no idea what to say.  I had lost my husband, but SHE HAD LOST HER CHILD. 
I still can't fathom what that must have felt like.
I... I.... I... all those I's 
it still seems so selfish and self centered as i recount those days

The next 24 hours was basically a blur. I was supposed to be making plans but I just remember walking in circles around the cul de sac in my parents' neighborhood and staring at the clouds and crying. my phone rang nonstop with calls and messages as people began to find out.  Someone had posted on Facebook already so the news spread so very fast. 

I don't remember calling family and friends but i do remember them showing up. I can't tell you who was there, i just remember a blur of people all around, who kept saying you need to eat.  but i wasn't hungry.  

We had a million things to do... i needed to call the coroners office and a funeral home and the insurance company and all this shit that I never expected to deal with....

All that kept ringing through my head, was him telling me that he had a bad feeling and just felt like something was wrong, and that he didn't think he would be alive when we returned...

I flipped and flopped between anger and heartache...
why didn't you give me more warning???
You could've chosen to get help...
You could've gone to the doctor...
why didn't I stay???
We should've at least been together and happily married when all this is happening.
Why did God do this to us?
What did we ever do to deserve this?
What will Lani remember?
Where will we go from here?
how will we pay our bills?
Was he in pain?
Was it quick?
What was going through his mind as all this happened?
Did he even have time to think?
Did he cry?
What will everyone else think? 
I hope they know this was natural.
What if people start rumors?
Why should i care what others think?
When will this nightmare end?
Why did God hate me so much to make this my reality?


Lots of questions...
Not a lot of answers

A year later we are much more functional than we were that day.
Our hearts still hurt
And we all still have a hole in our hearts, that will never fully be filled

A Year Later....

A year ago today i was sitting on a beach in Mexico, with my friend Ginger and Lani.  I cried a lot and mostly just contemplated my next move in life.  I decided when I got back to Dallas, I was going to return home, and try to fix things with  Sean.  I sent him a text that i thought would be the starting dialogue to our next step.

I didn't receive a response. Because his stubborn ass refused to ever use an iPhone our contact while i was out of the country would have been limited to social media. The next morning i face-timed with Sean's sister Joi and she said she spoke to him that morning so clearly he was fine. Maybe he just didn't check the Facebook msg.  He wasn't the biggest fan of social media.

i checked the alarm system and he had been going i and out of the house, so clearly he was fine.  We had many talks the week before about how he felt he wasn't going to be here when i got back. time and time again i told him it was silly and he would be fine....

Little did we know the next day would be the last day anyone would here from him

Let Go and Let God....

Note: This is one of the many posts that has just been sitting in draft form for at least a month

I had to decide to just "let go and let God," with my anger.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm still find myself angry at times, but I have to remind myself what is the purpose of the anger?
Where will it get me?
What will it solve?


The Answer: NOTHING

What it has done is created divides in my life and rifts in a relationship...

I was once told that relationships are like a sheet of paper.  If you take care of it and protect it, it will always last.  However, if you damage it, trash it, scribble all over it, no matter how you try to smooth it out and erase the marks, there are always remnants and reminders of the past.

Some of this hurt happened months and years ago, while others may have happened days or weeks ago.

The point of it all, is that holding on to hurt and anger is more toxic to you than it is to the person that you are holding the grudge against.

So we let go and Let God and pray that things improve.
If they don't, then you know that God removed them from your life for a reason.

What ever happens, a weight has been lifted off my shoulder and i can breath easily, walk freely and live more fully

I can honestly say I feel so much better and happier  as a result

Her name is Me....

Monday officially marked the 11 months since Sean's passing.

Even more so it marks one month countdown until the one year anniversary.

I've spent a lot of time this week thinking, and mostly avoiding being at home, because the quite makes for a great "devil's playground."

I've replayed the last few weeks and month  of Sean's life in my head repeatedly.

It was spent mostly fighting and discussing divorce.

Something we promised we'd never do.

Something neither of us truly believed in or wanted

Something that had become the only option, if any of us expected to get out of this alive (ironic).

When i look through the text messages they are so angry and far from where we began... but randomly there is this one message in the middle of all of them, it was actually sent on June 12th last year (funny how different things can be in just a year)

It was a discussion about how I had lost myself in our marriage and that when I looked in the mirror I didn't recognize "ME" anymore. I had gained weight.  Stopped doing my makeup. My hair was constantly in a ponytail.  My eyes were empty. I was watching my life in 3rd person.  Apart of it, but feeling totally out of control. 

How did we get here?

How did things get this bad?

Why won't he just get the help he needs so we can have the fairytale he promised me?

How do you give up on someone when you took a vow for forever?

Am i doing whats best for Lani?

IS this what she will think marriage and "love" should look like?

What the hell am I doing here?

I was listening to the song "Me" by Tamia and realized that the words seemed to sat everything i wanted but could never get out.  I wanted so hard to fix him, that i broke myself down.  In fact i can remember sitting in PDH and the song fix you began to play, and i began to ball right there in an auditorium full of people.  I knew my friend Meg understood the tears as i tried to blame it on PMS.  But truthfully speaking, it was an ongoing cycle, and I finally decided I had to put Lani and I first.   While it hurts my heart daily that Sean had to go, I truly believe it was God's way of giving ALL of us a second chance at a happy ending.  For some people that last line will come across as both brash and insensitive, but if you were around for the last 3 years, then you will understand entirely where I'm coming from. We would have never truly left each other alone, and I'm not sure where any of us would be today. 

I miss Sean daily.  There is not a day that goes by, that we don't talk about him, and i pray that when I  get to heaven he and i will be able to talk and embrace and I pray that he remembers the love we had in the beginning. Initially i felt like Lay Me Down by Sam Smith explained my feelings.  I remember downloading the album in August and listening to that song  and just laying in bed crying.  

How would i go on?

What will happen to us now?

Can i just dog back to the bad times?  

Even the bad would be better than nothing at all.

Something?

Anything?

But day by day things got a little easier and a little more possible.  

I learned to smile again. 

I began to laugh again.

I felt a peace in my heart

I wasn't worried any more

I was happy

a huge weight and stress that i carried for so long were now gone.

 I felt guilty.

i felt judged

i felt conflicted

i felt like there became two Ashleys

The Me that i felt comfortable being, and the Me that i felt everyone expected me to be.

I would go back and read through the messages and emails we exchanged over the years, and this same text would stand out time and time again

 (yes i know its the same pic, but i didn't want you to have to scroll up again! you're welcome)

It reminds me that Sean would want ME to keep living and be happy.  and yes i used the word "ME" again.  which feels selfish, but I'm being honest. One of the hardest parts to being a widow is the constant feeling  of judgment and wondering what others are thinking.  

Is she too happy?

Is she moving on?

Has she forgotten Sean?

And the answer to all of these is NO.

But i also have found a part of myself that was missing. 

The "Ashley" i forgot existed.

 I have learned to laugh again.

And laugh in a way that i forgot that i could.

(ignore the dirt and unmoved grass.  its been raining ALOT here)

 As i type this post, the storm clouds have opened  a ray of sun is shining straight through my window.  I'd like to think that's Sean shining his approval down on me and supporting me on my journey to finding happiness 

So my lyrics now are some what of a mash up between
 Break Free.. 

I only want to die alive
Never by the hands of a broken heart
I don't wanna hear you lie tonight
Now that I've become who I really am

This is the part when I say I don’t want it
I'm stronger than I've been before

This is the part when I break free

Chandelier...

I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier

I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist

Like it doesn't exist

I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry

I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier

I'll Remember

Say goodbye to not knowing when
The truth in my whole life began
Say goodbye to not knowing how to cry
You taught me that

And I'll remember the strength that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
I'll remember the way that you saved me
I'll remember

A Moment In Heaven...

note: i actually typed this on the flight to el paso and while i was there but wasn't sure if i wanted to post it, but in light of fathers day, i've decided to share it

Our first trip back to El Paso since Sean’s passing and my anxiety is on a 110!!! 

What will it be like?

How will i go into his house and room (which mind you he never really lived in, but its still his stuff) without him?

How will i have dinner with his family without him?

It just seems wrong to be visiting his family (our family too, but you know what i mean) without him.

I immediately begin to feel the anxiety creeping up to 210… 

This just feels wrong… But it has to be done.  

It'll be like ripping off a bandage; once it's done it done

When we got on the plane Lani really wanted to sit by the window, which was fine since we had the entire row to ourselves.  (Plus Sean always like the window seat so I’m pretty used to riding scrub) 

While we were “approaching our desired altitude” there were the MOST beautiful clouds i’ve ever seen.  I made the mistake of commenting that it looks like heaven.

Why did I say that?

She got so excited.  "If we are in heaven then we will see Daddy?” with the biggest smile you’ve ever seen

~ Cue tears :(

What do you say to that??? I was speechless. 

~As perceptive as she is, she immediately noticed my expression, and responded, “we aren’t going to see him are we?” 

Still quiet.

Still with tears.

Still heartbroken for her.

How many times in the last 10 months has she felt this way?

How many times in the next 70+ years will she feel this way?

And how many times will i be left unable to speak? 

Im her mom.

I’m supposed to be able to answer her questions and comfort her broken heart, but this is something I just can’t fix.  

It was an evening flight, so i tried to close the blinds and get her to take a nap, but she wanted them to stay open, just in case daddy made an appearance. Eventually she dozed off a bit, but would wake up occasionally and peak out the window. Each time with the same hope and heartache in her eyes

So as the sun set  over the mountains as we were landing, she squeezed my hand 3 times and said the sweetest thing. I saw Daddy in my dreams mommy.  He was standing in the clouds and smiled and waved at me.  He was on a far cloud but i heard him say i love you."

She had the sweetest smile and happiest look on her face.
You see thats the beauty and magic that still lies in her youth and innocence. Despite everything the universe has thrown her way, she maintains her faith, and it carries her through the hard moments when I don't know what else to do.

So i thank God for continuing to bless her with moments with Sean, especially her brief one in heaven.   

A Series of Unfortunate Events....

I will never forget that night.... We were at my friend Lisa's lake house, playing a game, and while i don't recall the name of the game, or the other book title options, I remember everyone agreeing in what seemed like a resounding unison, that if my life were a book it would be most similar to "A Series of Unfortunate Events."

I'd read the first book in the series, so i was pretty familiar with the story.  Mind you, this was prior to Sean passing  (SN: not sure if its a widow thing, but is it weird that my life is defined so far by two sections: prior to, and after Sean's Passing??? but i digress...)

I remember being a bit taken back at first, but quite honestly I could't be that surprised... Hell I choose the same book myself... laughing out loud, but not really laughing.  its actually more of a nervous reaction of mine... laughing not to cry...

Why did this get to be MY STORY... i had always imagined that my life would end up being a fairytale. And by all reasoning it had a pretty fairytalesque (yes i made that word up. if you are a new reader its pretty common) upbringing.  Grew up with both of my parents, in a fairly well to do neighborhood. Went to private schools until high school, where i went to Law and Science Magnet, on the dance team, honor student in high school and college. hired 2 months into my student teaching... my life should have been a piece of cake... i mean damn.. my sisters even nick named me Chelsea Clinton 

But there always seemed to be little bumps in the road... Well actually they were pretty FREAKING HUGE... a series of misfortunate events that would always mess up my "picture perfect" life.

So the fact that "A Series of Unfortunate Events" was my title shouldn't have been that surprising.  But it still had a sting to it... Part of the game required the other players to explain why they chose that answer, and for the most part the answers were pretty typical... 

"Dude you have bad freaking luck...."

"Ummmmm... The last year of your life..."

"well....uhhhhh......" with a shrug that basically translated to "you already know the deal"

And then it came to my friend Lindsay.  She had a different stance than everyone else, myself include, "Well yes you tend to have shitty luck, but you always seem to survive it ..." and i thought to myself, maybe it wasn't that bad of a title after all. Because if i was able to have a "Series of Events" then that meant that i had survived all the previous events, and i would survive whatever hand i was dealt next. (little did i know what was in store)

I think i've always tried to see the bright side of any situation but that comment has continued to resonate with me.  It reminds me of what my friend Jill told me "if God brings you to it, he will bring you through it."  So when life seems to send me one misfortunate event after another i will just sing to myself.... 

LMAO... I kid.. I kid.. but you get the point... I will Survive ;D

   

Tackling the Matrix with a smile

Long time no blog.... but for a while there life was getting pretty hectic....

In the last few months a lot has happened to make me question whether this grief process was truly progressing or if i was moving back to square one.

in the past few weeks i have come to realize there is no such thing as coming full circle in grief.... its really more like a matrix.

this intertwining journey of feeling and emotions.

I think one of the greatest lessons has been that its ok to smile and be happy too.

there is no law that says being a widow means perpetual sadness.

We get to smile... we get to be happy... and we get to live....

410,400 minutes....

its been 285 days since Sean passed away...  Thats 410,400 minutes.... 24,624,000 seconds.......

and sometimes it feels like yesterday...

Most days are good days.  That doesn't mean I don't miss Sean or the hurt isn't still present, it does mean that days are much more possible then they were in the beginning.

But that doesn't mean that there aren't bad days either.  

In fact some days are absolutely debilitating. 

And I say this because people think grief is path that looks exactly like this...

 

However, it actually much more like... 

A constant cycle between the seven stages, that lasts a lifetime, not just the week of the funeral.

And i say this because over the last 9 months and 11 days, I've had lots of people comment on where they believe i should be in this journey.  

"Do you think you are ready for ....."

"why haven't you...."

"don't you think you should..."

And the answer to all of these is "NO"

No you don't have the right to judge and decide where I should be on this journey, and even more so grief is not a straight 7 step, one week, one month, or one year journey.

You see when you get married, your bond with your spouse becomes infinite; especially when you have children. It goes for a lifetime. So twenty years from now the answer to these questions will still be NO.  I will never be ready... I will never know what to do... I will never know the right answers... and despite any struggles we've had i will always miss my husband and my friend, but each day I get a little stronger and move a little further in my journey. 

So if it seems like i have high and lows and great days and bad days, its because that is the truly what grief looks like.  

Not whatever text book simplified journey you thought it should be ... maybe i'm a tad bit in the angry phase today too...lol... and thats ok, because in grief we laugh, we cry, we smile, we get angry, and we do it all over again. But if we are able to do all of this then that means that we are still living, and that is truly 99.9% of the battle