Thursday, October 15, 2015

Silent Suffering

Infant and pregnancy loss has always held a special place in my heart.

I remember the heart ache of my mother losing a baby, and never quite understanding how devastating it was for her.

I remember the tears...

The longing looks whenever we saw a baby boy, especially one that would've been the same age as Brian Jamerson.

I remember her laughing it off occasionally when we talked about how they would've been "old parents" and how he would've acted like an old man.

And now as an adult and a mom i can't believe how insensitive we were to her loss and grief. Even more so after knowing the struggles it is to get pregnant and have a baby.

After my sweet friend Meg lost her son Conner to SIDs.  our cheer squad began to host a blue out for SIDS and infant loss awareness.

But there were so many others who last babies all to soon...

Then there were the Johnsons and Kennedy
the Schultes and Beckett...
And many other friends and family members who lost babies or struggled with infertility...
Most of them suffering silently...Because that is what people seem to do with miscarriages... suffer silently, and then pick themselves back up and carry on, because the world says we have to....

These are the ones i felt most connected to.

Sean and I experienced our first heartbreak with "pregnancy" about 5 months after we were married.  We weren't trying to get pregnant, but weren't doing the best job at avoiding it.  In May i missed my period, which were like clockwork.  We were a little excited and a little nervous.  We took a test, and it was negative, but the doctor told us that was common early on, and that we were to just wait another couple of weeks and then re test.  She suggested taking prenatal pills, and we just kept it to our selves and close friends/family (mainly those who were on vacation with us that June). After two months of nausea, gained weight in my torso region only,  missed periods despite my repeated negative test, my doctor ran some blood tests and additional sonograms. When I left was diagnosed with a "pseudopregnancy".  I had a pinched tube which was affecting my ovulation and somehow tricked my body into "thinking it was pregnant."  We were devastated for two months we began to imagine what this "baby" would be like and look like. I was heart broken. But at the same time felt as if i had no right to be. There was no baby there.

About 8 months later we decided we were ready to try for real this time, and by all blessings got pregnant right away.  I was scared to tell anyone until the doctor gave us the all clear, because of our previous experience. Needless to say we ended up with the beautiful Miss Langston and were happy.

We constantly discussed having another baby.  A little boy and his name would be Dylan Carter; son of the sea, and the bringer of good. We knew we wanted to wait until Lani was 2 or 3, but then our separation happened and our plans came to an abrupt stop.  That was until July of 2012.  I was having some issues so i had some testing done and found out that my Mirena IUD wasn't working.  Because I already had a functional cyst, I would have to wait a few weeks to see if the egg in the sonogram would implant before we could even consider any further procedures (a functional cyst occurs in late ovulation and early pregnancy).   Again we weren't ready for a baby and this was far from an ideal time, but we were both excited.  We had already decided that this would have been the son we both wanted...

The next three weeks went along fine.  I had typical pregnancy symptoms, but we still kept things a secret.  I think my cousin Toni, who was living with me at the time,  may have been the only one we told. I remember the Saturday afternoon quite vividly. I began having excruciating pain and was balled up on the bathroom floor in pain and tears.  I was heart broken to know that if i was pregnant, i wasn't anymore.  My doctor called me in a prescription for the pain meds and i went to sleep. She said if the pain or bleeding became too unbearable to go to the hospital.

I went to the doctor that Tuesday, and they ran more blood work and sonograms.  It seemed my cyst had ruptured and there was no egg. Again i didn't feel i had the right to be hurt or devastated, because we never really knew anything for sure. But never the less, our hearts were still broken and we were still devastated. But we suffered silently as many with fertility and pregnancy issues do.

Looking back now, i often try convince myself  that God was not ready for us to have another baby, and I can't imagine how difficult things would be now, as a widow with three kids. But still the same i often find myself wondering what things would've been like had they been here?

So to all those who are missing a sweet angel baby at this moment;  I send my love prayers and hugs. And if you are blessed enough to have a baby with you tonight, hug and kiss them for all the parents who wish they could right now.

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