Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Life Unimagined

When I was a child I used to imagine that growing up and getting married was like a fairytale.  The castle, prince charming and of course the "happily ever after"!

As I grew up I learned that what I imagined was just that, A Fairytale.

And while some moments in life had been fairytalesque (yes i know thats not a word), life for me would be anything but that.  There would be highs and low,  good times and bad,  joy and heartache, and everything in between.

This time of year we take time to reflect on what we are thankful for...
In the past my list has been pretty typical:
1. my husband
2. my daughter
3. my family
4. my home
5. God continuing to provide for us each and every day.

This year the holidays have brought about lots of fear and anxiety for me.  Forcing that list to change in ways i never imagined
1. God:  Despite the heartache that we have experienced this year, i can truly saw that my faith in God has increased in leaps and bounds.  Every time my faith begins to waiver, he comes in to remind me that he is still there, and still protecting and providing for us.
2.  The good times that Sean and I had together and the memories that he and Lani were able to form before he passed.  Even more so the fact that we were able to capture so much of it on video so when she grows she is able to look back and reflect/remember the time she had with her dad
2. my daughter:  She is one of the main reasons I've survived this year.  She forces me to get up when i'd rather stay in bed all day.  Reminds me that someone is constantly watching and imitating what i do, and that i must stand up and give her someone to look up to.
3. my mother: Who always has my back and supports my actions even when she doesn't agree with them
4. my AMAZING friends and support group: While they've always had my back, they have been my rock the last 6 months and i've said time and again i dont know where i would be with out them.  Something so small as our little group chats make each day better. there is always a joke popping in when i need a laugh the most.
5. my home: While for a lot of people staying in the house would be awkward,  it has been a place of comfort for lani and i, and while we will most likely move in the near future,  at this current point im thankful to have a roof over my head
6. My JOB: Not only am i thankful to have a career, but im thankful for the built in family that comes with it.  They have taken care of us over the last 10 years, but especially the last 5 months.

I think if anything i've learned this year, is to stop making my plans of what the future will bring and rest in sure that God's plan will happen either way.  Even more so i've learned that to stop imagining what my future will be, and just take everyday for what it is,  while living Life Unimagined.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

A Soundtrack to Life II....

The last few months have been a whirlwind to say the least.... And while each day has it's painful moments, I can honestly say, I can see the light at the end and its so beautiful and clear...

So my soundtrack to life has changed a little

1. Pretty Wings by Maxwell:  Sean used to sing this song to my belly  when I was pregnant with Lani.  It was truly one of his favorite songs, and to be honest I never really listened to the words.  However on the one month anniversary of his death I heard this and I total got it.  Him leaving was giving us a chance to live the life he wish he could have given us....  The life we planned for and dreamed about as kids....The life that alcoholism had taken a way....  And it also helped me to realize that  he would want me to live my life and be happy....

2. Fix You by Cold Play: So describes how the last three years of my life were.  Constantly trying to help Sean overcome his demons and see the beautiful person that everyone else saw.  For such a great person, his insecurities were debilitating and kept him from every know how great he truly was

3. Make it to Me by Sam Smith  this song brings tears to my eyes for so many reasons.. while it reminds me of Sean, it also reminds me that there is someone else out there for me, and that this has all been a journey in my life but my road is not nearly complete

 4. Girls Just Want to Have (acoustic): This totally makes me think of my life right now, because i feel like the past 5 months has taught me to take advantage of the life God has given me and enjoy each day, but everyone wants me to be sad and depressed nonstop.  while i have moments of sadness and heartache, i feel like i constantly have to remind people that i didn't pass away as well, and each day I am choosing to live!

5. Drive by Incubus: This song just personifies me!  "Whatever tomorrow brings i'll be there, with open arms and open eyes."  I've been much more aware of the little things

6. Perfect by Alanis Morrisett:  For a very long time i felt like i had to be "Perfect."  That is a HUGE task to fill.  Honor roll, dean's list, college graduate, perfect wedding, SKINNY, well dressed, hair and makeup done, trophy wife, successful career.... and each time i didn't accomplish one of these task i felt like a failure at life.   That struggle with perfection actually was a major factor in my depression during college because i didn't feel like i was fulfilling the expectations that others had for me.  I remember being in middle school and hearing this  song for the first time and balling, thinking "WOW!" she put my feelings into words.  I think i am just finally getting to the point where I'm ok with my lack of perfection, self acceptance, and not really caring what others think as well.

7. Wide Open Spaces by the Dixie Chicks:  I feel like i spent so much time living my life to what i thought was expected of me, that now I'm finally exploring the world.  So at the moment I'm making mistakes and exploring my life with new eyes

8. Skyscraper (acoustic) by Demi Lovato~  What more needs to be said other than i will keep rising from the ground!

9. Awesome by Charles Jenkins~ This song has gotten me through so many days!  My GOD is SOOOO Awesome and the fact that i am still here today proves that. When i am down this calm wave just comes over me and suddenly i feel empowered and strengthened to fight another day

11. Break Free (Acoustic) by Jessie Micheals~ The first time i heard Break Free by Araiana Grande and Zedd i balled.  It totally made me reflect on my life and reminded me that i was strong enough to survive all of this.  I absolutely love acoustic versions of songs, especially this one.  I feel like you can feel the full emotion of the song.

wedding video