The last few months have been a whirlwind to say the least.... And while each day has it's painful moments, I can honestly say, I can see the light at the end and its so beautiful and clear...
So my soundtrack to life has changed a little
1. Pretty Wings by Maxwell: Sean used to sing this song to my belly when I was pregnant with Lani. It was truly one of his favorite songs, and to be honest I never really listened to the words. However on the one month anniversary of his death I heard this and I total got it. Him leaving was giving us a chance to live the life he wish he could have given us.... The life we planned for and dreamed about as kids....The life that alcoholism had taken a way.... And it also helped me to realize that he would want me to live my life and be happy....
2. Fix You by Cold Play: So describes how the last three years of my life were. Constantly trying to help Sean overcome his demons and see the beautiful person that everyone else saw. For such a great person, his insecurities were debilitating and kept him from every know how great he truly was
3. Make it to Me by Sam Smith this song brings tears to my eyes for so many reasons.. while it reminds me of Sean, it also reminds me that there is someone else out there for me, and that this has all been a journey in my life but my road is not nearly complete
4. Girls Just Want to Have (acoustic): This totally makes me think of my life right now, because i feel like the past 5 months has taught me to take advantage of the life God has given me and enjoy each day, but everyone wants me to be sad and depressed nonstop. while i have moments of sadness and heartache, i feel like i constantly have to remind people that i didn't pass away as well, and each day I am choosing to live!
5. Drive by Incubus: This song just personifies me! "Whatever tomorrow brings i'll be there, with open arms and open eyes." I've been much more aware of the little things
6. Perfect by Alanis Morrisett: For a very long time i felt like i had to be "Perfect." That is a HUGE task to fill. Honor roll, dean's list, college graduate, perfect wedding, SKINNY, well dressed, hair and makeup done, trophy wife, successful career.... and each time i didn't accomplish one of these task i felt like a failure at life. That struggle with perfection actually was a major factor in my depression during college because i didn't feel like i was fulfilling the expectations that others had for me. I remember being in middle school and hearing this song for the first time and balling, thinking "WOW!" she put my feelings into words. I think i am just finally getting to the point where I'm ok with my lack of perfection, self acceptance, and not really caring what others think as well.
7. Wide Open Spaces by the Dixie Chicks: I feel like i spent so much time living my life to what i thought was expected of me, that now I'm finally exploring the world. So at the moment I'm making mistakes and exploring my life with new eyes
8. Skyscraper (acoustic) by Demi Lovato~ What more needs to be said other than i will keep rising from the ground!
9. Awesome by Charles Jenkins~ This song has gotten me through so many days! My GOD is SOOOO Awesome and the fact that i am still here today proves that. When i am down this calm wave just comes over me and suddenly i feel empowered and strengthened to fight another day
11. Break Free (Acoustic) by Jessie Micheals~ The first time i heard Break Free by Araiana Grande and Zedd i balled. It totally made me reflect on my life and reminded me that i was strong enough to survive all of this. I absolutely love acoustic versions of songs, especially this one. I feel like you can feel the full emotion of the song.