Monday, October 27, 2014

A Not So New Ashley

So i've heard a lot of statements lately about the "New Ashley"....

It drives me nuts.

In one part, I'm like, i am the exact same person i've always been, but on the other hand I think, have you witnessed the last two years, especially the last 4 months.

For those of you who really know me, you know that i've always been the person i am today.
I've always been obsessed with make up and was a blonde for most of my twenties.
I have a million pairs of sunglasses and have always been obsessed with a good wax or laser treatment, and love a selfie.

On the other hand, it was safe to say that the stress of separation, Sean's alcoholism, work, school, etc had taken a definite tole on me.

I remember telling a friend that some days i look in the mirror and dont even recognize myself. I'm pretty sure I had fallen back into the depression that plagued my life off and on through out college.

And best believe I was a master of disguise.  In fact unless you were my roommate, Sean, one of my besties, or immediate family, you probably had no idea how deep my battle with depression was.  Especially since I became a master at masking those feelings, and putting on a happy face. But behind closed doors i stopped eating, would sleep for days on end, and cried nonstop. The worst part, was the fact the people complimented the resulting weight loss, and i would look at them baffled and just repsond, "not eating will do that for you" and they would laugh it off.  But i wasn't joking. I would then go through a binge night, aka fat girl night, and eat insane amounts of food, which usually resulted in me being sick as a dog for a few days.

Eventually between a great psychologist and doctor we were able to work out a plan that worked for me, and brought me back to the light.  It also resulted in a second butterfly tattoo (but tattoos are a different story).

When Sean passed away my friend Ginger and I began talking about the effects of an unhealthy lifestyle and how it would be horrible for Lani to loose two parents, because of lifestyle choices.

At that moment i decided that i couldnt die with Sean.  Yeas he was the love of my life, but our love had become very unhealthy both emotionally and physically. So I decided to exercise more, eat healthier, take my meds the way im supposed to, and take care of ME.  So that I could LIVE for Lani and myself. And when she looks back on her life and childhood, she could say my mom was a great mom to me, and if mental illness (God forbid) ever becomes part of her life story I can say, I've been there... I chose to get the help i needed.... I chose to live for you.... and you can too..

So long story round about.... I am the same Ashley thats always been there.  She's just taken the backseat in life for a while and now she's back in the driver's seat.

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