Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Nightmare and Explanations

before you read below, please know my blog posts are very descriptive. I try to capture every part of my dream before i forget it.  So you may not want to read any further.   

Since that phone call on July 17th,  I've wondered why God didn't allow me to be here when Sean passed.  I think last night I was given that answer.

Every time I've "Dreamed" Sean it's been so comforting and real.
But this one was obviously a dream, and i knew i was dreaming during it. I was watching it like a movie, much like my normal dreams.

Sean and I were up early talking and joking while Lani was still sleep.
He suddenly told me he did feel well, then grabbed his chest and gasped in pain.
I asked him if he wanted me to call the ambulance and he said yes.  I could see the fear in his eyes.
I knew he must really be in pain if he wanted me to call 911, because he hated doctors.

I searched around for my cell phone, which is normally on my nightstand.

Sean said "I know i shouldn't say this but, just in case,  I love you and will always watch over you."
Just then he grabbed his chest again and screamed out in pain.

the 911 operator answered and i told them i think my husband is having a heart attack.

During the call I saw the "gasp" they warned us about in my CPR training and immediately began.  I sat there balling and doing CPR for what seemed like forever begging him not to go.

I don't remember the 911 operator being on the phone anymore but Lani walked in. She thought we were playing and then realized something was wrong.

She began to cry and scream, but i couldn't take her out the room, i just had to keep doing CPR.
She would have to sit and watch

Why weren't the EMTs there yet? we live 4 blocks from a fire station.

The hardest part was that I looked at his face and knew he was gone, but i couldn't stop.  I had to keep going until the Fire Dept or ambulance arrived.  

I looked at Lani while doing compressions, and she kept crying.  I asked her to go open the door, for me so they could just come  in when they got here, but she couldn't reach the top lock.

I just kept staring at her and realizing i have to stop but couldn't.  i couldn't stop my self.

When i woke up I was still blowing rescue breaths and had tears flowing.

And in that moment i knew why God took us away.

No matter what i wouldn't be able to save him. That was his destiny.

And had we been here I would have had the guilt of not saving him, and Lani would have watched her daddy slip away. That would have been her last memory of him, instead of them having a self/dance party on the couch, the night before we left.

I lay in bed for some time and just thought about what happened...

And in the end I felt thankful for God being merciful for all of us.
I am sad that i lost my husband so soon, and Lani will go a lifetime with out her daddy, but...

I now know that Sean did go very quickly.
I know that he is constantly watching over us.
I am thankful that our last moments with him were happy and loving.

I do realize this may just be my mind creating a story to help me deal, but i truly believe God has provided me with many answers during the last 2 months.

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