A Moment In Heaven...

note: i actually typed this on the flight to el paso and while i was there but wasn't sure if i wanted to post it, but in light of fathers day, i've decided to share it

Our first trip back to El Paso since Sean’s passing and my anxiety is on a 110!!! 

What will it be like?

How will i go into his house and room (which mind you he never really lived in, but its still his stuff) without him?

How will i have dinner with his family without him?

It just seems wrong to be visiting his family (our family too, but you know what i mean) without him.

I immediately begin to feel the anxiety creeping up to 210… 

This just feels wrong… But it has to be done.  

It'll be like ripping off a bandage; once it's done it done

When we got on the plane Lani really wanted to sit by the window, which was fine since we had the entire row to ourselves.  (Plus Sean always like the window seat so I’m pretty used to riding scrub) 

While we were “approaching our desired altitude” there were the MOST beautiful clouds i’ve ever seen.  I made the mistake of commenting that it looks like heaven.

Why did I say that?

She got so excited.  "If we are in heaven then we will see Daddy?” with the biggest smile you’ve ever seen

~ Cue tears :(

What do you say to that??? I was speechless. 

~As perceptive as she is, she immediately noticed my expression, and responded, “we aren’t going to see him are we?” 

Still quiet.

Still with tears.

Still heartbroken for her.

How many times in the last 10 months has she felt this way?

How many times in the next 70+ years will she feel this way?

And how many times will i be left unable to speak? 

Im her mom.

I’m supposed to be able to answer her questions and comfort her broken heart, but this is something I just can’t fix.  

It was an evening flight, so i tried to close the blinds and get her to take a nap, but she wanted them to stay open, just in case daddy made an appearance. Eventually she dozed off a bit, but would wake up occasionally and peak out the window. Each time with the same hope and heartache in her eyes

So as the sun set  over the mountains as we were landing, she squeezed my hand 3 times and said the sweetest thing. I saw Daddy in my dreams mommy.  He was standing in the clouds and smiled and waved at me.  He was on a far cloud but i heard him say i love you."

She had the sweetest smile and happiest look on her face.
You see thats the beauty and magic that still lies in her youth and innocence. Despite everything the universe has thrown her way, she maintains her faith, and it carries her through the hard moments when I don't know what else to do.

So i thank God for continuing to bless her with moments with Sean, especially her brief one in heaven.   

Nightmare and Explanations

before you read below, please know my blog posts are very descriptive. I try to capture every part of my dream before i forget it.  So you may not want to read any further.   


Since that phone call on July 17th,  I've wondered why God didn't allow me to be here when Sean passed.  I think last night I was given that answer.

Every time I've "Dreamed" Sean it's been so comforting and real.
But this one was obviously a dream, and i knew i was dreaming during it. I was watching it like a movie, much like my normal dreams.

Sean and I were up early talking and joking while Lani was still sleep.
He suddenly told me he did feel well, then grabbed his chest and gasped in pain.
I asked him if he wanted me to call the ambulance and he said yes.  I could see the fear in his eyes.
I knew he must really be in pain if he wanted me to call 911, because he hated doctors.

I searched around for my cell phone, which is normally on my nightstand.

Sean said "I know i shouldn't say this but, just in case,  I love you and will always watch over you."
Just then he grabbed his chest again and screamed out in pain.

the 911 operator answered and i told them i think my husband is having a heart attack.

During the call I saw the "gasp" they warned us about in my CPR training and immediately began.  I sat there balling and doing CPR for what seemed like forever begging him not to go.

I don't remember the 911 operator being on the phone anymore but Lani walked in. She thought we were playing and then realized something was wrong.

She began to cry and scream, but i couldn't take her out the room, i just had to keep doing CPR.
She would have to sit and watch

Why weren't the EMTs there yet? we live 4 blocks from a fire station.

The hardest part was that I looked at his face and knew he was gone, but i couldn't stop.  I had to keep going until the Fire Dept or ambulance arrived.  

I looked at Lani while doing compressions, and she kept crying.  I asked her to go open the door, for me so they could just come  in when they got here, but she couldn't reach the top lock.

I just kept staring at her and realizing i have to stop but couldn't.  i couldn't stop my self.

When i woke up I was still blowing rescue breaths and had tears flowing.

And in that moment i knew why God took us away.

No matter what i wouldn't be able to save him. That was his destiny.

And had we been here I would have had the guilt of not saving him, and Lani would have watched her daddy slip away. That would have been her last memory of him, instead of them having a self/dance party on the couch, the night before we left.

I lay in bed for some time and just thought about what happened...

And in the end I felt thankful for God being merciful for all of us.
I am sad that i lost my husband so soon, and Lani will go a lifetime with out her daddy, but...

I now know that Sean did go very quickly.
I know that he is constantly watching over us.
I am thankful that our last moments with him were happy and loving.


NOTE: 
I do realize this may just be my mind creating a story to help me deal, but i truly believe God has provided me with many answers during the last 2 months.

Dragonflies....

I've always had an obsession with butterflies and dragon flies....
Something about a living thing transforming into a completely different being, amazes me.

I remember being little and my grandmother telling me that dragonflies were spirits from people who have past, and they come back to guide you.  I did a little research recently and this is a native america symbolism.

Philosophy of Life and Death
When the dragonfly larvae, or nymphs as they are called, are ready, they shed their casing and the graceful adult insect emerges. As much as this represents change, it can also be taken as a symbol of death, when the soul leaves the body. Also that the soul, after leaving the body, resides in a different realm, can be likened to the fact that the life of the dragonfly is also spent in two "realms". While the larval stage of the insect that is spent underwater, can be likened to life on earth, the emerging of the adult insect that has wings and is airborne, can be compared to the soul that is free from the body.
Read more at Buzzle: http://www.buzzle.com/articles/what-does-a-dragonfly-symbolize.html#general-symbolism
As a result i've always loved the movie Dragonfly....

Just the thought that our loved ones would find a way to come back to you and guide you, is just beautiful to me....

So..... story round about, since Sean has past (that still seems weird to say), we have seen dragonflies everywhere, especially the cemetery.  Normally we only see one or two, but when we visit the cemetery there are swarms of them.  Now normally that would kind of creep me out, but since Sean's passing it has brought me comfort. I have seen them every single day! The scientist in me is like, maybe it is just a coincidence, that he passed away during the peak of their metamorphosis season.  But the romantic in me feels that it is Sean sending Lani and I loves! Every time she sees a dragonfly she is so excited. "Daddy came to visit us!" The way her face lights up, and she smiles, makes my heart smile.

So thank you Sean for the daily visual reminders that you are always watching over us!   We love you a million xs a billion xs infinity

3:02 am....

3:02 am... i looked at the clock to be sure it was real.... I've never had a dream that felt so real... one where I could smell, feel texture and warmth....

I felt a hand hold my hand. I could feel every grain and crease in your rough hands that fit perfectly to mine perfectly, and i knew it was you. And there it was... 3 squeezes... and i squeezed back 4 times...

I could feel  you laying down beside me and holding me.
wrap your arms around me only the way you could... I could feel your warmth and that safe feeling...

I could feel your kisses on my cheeks and the back of my head and it was the best feeling in the world.

I asked if you were ok and happy?
You said "Yes" and that you loved me and missed me, and I told you I loved and missed you too.
you didn't sound super happy, but you weren't sad either.  there was a calmness in your voice.

I was too scared to move to turn around and see you because if i was dreaming, this would end, and i'd much rather feel you and lay with you than nothing.

We talked some more.  You said you were proud of me, and hanging with Grandma and your Dad!

In a flash you were laying in front of me. You had on a white t-shirt, your glasses, and black and red basketball shorts that i haven't seen in some time.  I saw your beautiful face and you looked so perfect.  You hugged and kissed Lani without waking her and told her you loved her.

Just as she jumped up you disappeared...

I looked at the clock again still 3:02... it seemed like an eternity, but the time hadn't changed... it just stood stil

She asked had i seen her sippy cup, and then for some milk.  We looked for it, and couldn't find her cup so she just came and laid next to me and then she said it...

she had a great dream bout daddy that he kissed her and hugged her and told her he missed and loved his toom time bears...

Then she fell back to sleep...

I could hardly sleep again. Scared i'd miss another moment. That you'd appear again

At some point i dozed off, but woke up again to feel the blankets tucked all the way around me, like you would do when i was sick, and i knew it wasn't a dream...

I just lay there still.. feeling him...

Lani woke up a little later with the biggest smile on her face, and told me her story again this time in much more detail.  She asked me to write it down on her notepad....

Daddy, Sean, Showed me Bella, Batchy, & Bailey

Then he said "Lani! Hey! theres my toom time bears!"

He came down to see me.

We had a conversation.

we had fun.

we went outside to play soccer, early when mommy was sleeping.

Daddy loves me, he always said he loved me forever before the bible.

Daddy is always with us.

He'll always be my friend.



The tears of joy and heartache have been streaming ... miss you so much my love... see you soon... a million x's a billion x's infinity