Sunday, July 19, 2015

back at one....

it seems like i've returned to day one of my adult life...
Hell possibly day one of my teenage life too...
Feeling even more lost than i did a year ago....

You see a year ago i was in a daze...  for a while
I just became a widow, but felt constantly reminded that while becoming a widow i was still separated from Sean when this happened.
So did i deserve to be broken hearted still?
Did that devalue my role as his wife, because we were separated?
Would anyone ever love me again?
Odd question i know, but very real...
I remember sitting in the den probably, a day or two after Sean passed, talking to Amir, and telling him that no one would ever love me again....
I mean despite our disfunction (and it was quite dysfunctional) there was no doubt how much we loved each other.  Quite honestly, I always thought that our love would be the death of us.

So why would someone want to marry a middle aged widow and single mom, when they could find someone who was new and fresh, and someone who wasn't damaged and broken.
A year later that feeling is still there... but differently ....

Will anyone that i love, ever love me?
(and this is not the point where I'm expecting everyone to tell me it will happen. just wait, give it time, etc.  this is me venting)

You see i've always had this thing about falling for people who don't fall for me, or weren't exactly good for me...

Call it a fatal flaw, but so true.
They end up being on of my best friends or breaking my heart...
There really is no in between
And the ones who were probably best for me, and loved me i never loved them...

Maybe its the challenge?
idk
But now a year later i still have this hole, a different hole, but a very large hole.
At 32 this is the longest i've gone without a relationship (crazy i know).
Prior to that i think maybe 3 months.....
Its almost i don't know how to be myself and be single...
Call me codependent, but i enjoy having a partner...
Someone to discuss my plans and bounce my feelings off of.

You see when other people grew up they wanted to be a doctor or a lawyer or a singer...

But me, I wanted to be a teacher, wife and a mom.
Thats it.
And more the latter two, than anything else.

You see I enjoy cooking for a husband...
I want to have more babies...
If you look at my love language and personality, i'm a caterer and acts of service kind of person
So when i can't do that, it seems like that purpose is missing
I had a vision for my life....

And now all that seems not only gone, but impossible...

You know i always try to be an optimist and say that you shouldn't speak negativity into reality, so as i write this, my subconscious is like, "this is totally bad juju ash".  but this is currently my reality.

I am back at one, experiencing what feels like should have been my teenage years for the first time...
And it sucks...

I read a quote today that said, "you can't accompany anyone ins life, until you can be that company for yourself..."

But how do you do that...
I've never had to fill that roll for myself...
I'm great at being a girlfriend, a mother and a wife....
ITs all I've ever really known.
So how do i accompany myself?
I'm not even sure i know what it means to accompany myself...

All i know is that in this moment, with a million people around me i feel very alone.
And i just keep waiting for that person to find me...
Someone who will take my heart and take care of it like their own
and love me despite my frayed and damaged edges
because ultimately i feel like i have so much to offer and no one to give it to

nothing seems to describe it better than "Make it To Me" by Sam Smith

My mind runs away to you
With the thoughts I hope you'll see
Can't see where it's wandered to
But I know where it wants to be

I'm waiting patiently though time is moving slow
I have one vacancy and I wanted you to know that

You're the one designed for me
A distant stranger that I will complete
I know you're out there we're meant to be
So keep your head up and make it to me
And make it to me

So sick of this lonely air
It seems such a waste of breath
So much that I need to share
So much to get off my chest

I'm waiting patiently though time is moving slow
I have one vacancy and I wanted you to know that

You're the one designed for me
A distant stranger that I will complete
I know you're out there we're meant to be
So keep your head up and make it to me
Make it to me




Friday, July 17, 2015

525,600 Minutes

Warning: this is my legit feelings and memories right now, so it may be a bit too much for some to read.

525,600 minutes later, it still seems like yesterday.
it often replays like a movie in my head...

I remember waking up on the boat with sure panic and heartache... somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico or possibly on the Mississippi River at this point, I was convinced something was wrong, and in my heart I knew he was already gone. 

We went through calling and texting everyone we could think of...

After hours on the phone and going through the chain of command with the police department all the way to the damn chief of police, my phone rang and it was official.

"Hello Mrs. Harris, this is Lt. _______... Are you driving?"
"No""...I'm sorry Mrs. Harris, your husband is deceased."
I called my next door neighbor, because clearly the police officer was wrong, but she said it was true.
The next call was his mom, a call I never expected to make. Not even sure what I told her...



Four hours away, somewhere in Louisiana, our 4 yo daughter in the back seat asking where is daddy and why cant she talk to him?

We switched cars, so that my dad could take Lani home and i could go to the house.

I remember pulling up and seeing the coroner's van...
I remember seeing Shawn, Momma Wiliams, and my brother standing in the yard...
I remember collapsing right there...
Even more so i remember a neighbor coming over smiling and asking "whats going on? in a joking manner, and thinking "b*tch don't you see the cop cars and coroner van? wtf do you think is going on??? (but i digress)"
I remember begging to see him...
I remember the Detective apologizing, giving me his condolences and telling me that he didn't suggest i see anything. It seemed Sean had a heart attack a day or so before.  He told me i should just sign the paper to release Sean's body, then get back into the car until they were done....
I never got to see him...
I never got to hold his hand...
I never got to say a legit goodbye...
I remember my dog Bez busting out of the neighbors house and running to me and knocking me down... (but now that i think about it, this may have been a different day)
I had to go tell Lani still....
What do i say...
how do i say it...
how can i break my childs heart
I had to sit down with a 4 year old and tell her that her Hero, her best friend, and her father had died.

I told her as soon as we got home, that daddy died and went to heaven like our puppy Bella,  and she let out the loudest scream i ever heard. then she balled up in my lap and cried herself to sleep.

I remember my mother in law and cousin Walter pulling up late that night to my parents house and just looking at her feeling like i had no idea what to say.  I had lost my husband, but SHE HAD LOST HER CHILD. 
I still can't fathom what that must have felt like.
I... I.... I... all those I's 
it still seems so selfish and self centered as i recount those days

The next 24 hours was basically a blur. I was supposed to be making plans but I just remember walking in circles around the cul de sac in my parents' neighborhood and staring at the clouds and crying. my phone rang nonstop with calls and messages as people began to find out.  Someone had posted on Facebook already so the news spread so very fast. 

I don't remember calling family and friends but i do remember them showing up. I can't tell you who was there, i just remember a blur of people all around, who kept saying you need to eat.  but i wasn't hungry.  

We had a million things to do... i needed to call the coroners office and a funeral home and the insurance company and all this shit that I never expected to deal with....

All that kept ringing through my head, was him telling me that he had a bad feeling and just felt like something was wrong, and that he didn't think he would be alive when we returned...

I flipped and flopped between anger and heartache...
why didn't you give me more warning???
You could've chosen to get help...
You could've gone to the doctor...
why didn't I stay???
We should've at least been together and happily married when all this is happening.
Why did God do this to us?
What did we ever do to deserve this?
What will Lani remember?
Where will we go from here?
how will we pay our bills?
Was he in pain?
Was it quick?
What was going through his mind as all this happened?
Did he even have time to think?
Did he cry?
What will everyone else think? 
I hope they know this was natural.
What if people start rumors?
Why should i care what others think?
When will this nightmare end?
Why did God hate me so much to make this my reality?


Lots of questions...
Not a lot of answers

A year later we are much more functional than we were that day.
Our hearts still hurt
And we all still have a hole in our hearts, that will never fully be filled





Tuesday, July 14, 2015

A Year Later....

A year ago today i was sitting on a beach in Mexico, with my friend Ginger and Lani.  I cried a lot and mostly just contemplated my next move in life.  I decided when I got back to Dallas, I was going to return home, and try to fix things with  Sean.  I sent him a text that i thought would be the starting dialogue to our next step.





I didn't receive a response. Because his stubborn ass refused to ever use an iPhone our contact while i was out of the country would have been limited to social media. The next morning i face-timed with Sean's sister Joi and she said she spoke to him that morning so clearly he was fine. Maybe he just didn't check the Facebook msg.  He wasn't the biggest fan of social media.

i checked the alarm system and he had been going i and out of the house, so clearly he was fine.  We had many talks the week before about how he felt he wasn't going to be here when i got back. time and time again i told him it was silly and he would be fine....

Little did we know the next day would be the last day anyone would here from him

wedding video