Long time no blog.... but for a while there life was getting pretty hectic....
In the last few months a lot has happened to make me question whether this grief process was truly progressing or if i was moving back to square one.
in the past few weeks i have come to realize there is no such thing as coming full circle in grief.... its really more like a matrix.
this intertwining journey of feeling and emotions.
I think one of the greatest lessons has been that its ok to smile and be happy too.
there is no law that says being a widow means perpetual sadness.
We get to smile... we get to be happy... and we get to live....
Sunday, April 26, 2015
its been 285 days since Sean passed away... Thats 410,400 minutes.... 24,624,000 seconds.......
and sometimes it feels like yesterday...
Most days are good days. That doesn't mean I don't miss Sean or the hurt isn't still present, it does mean that days are much more possible then they were in the beginning.
But that doesn't mean that there aren't bad days either.
In fact some days are absolutely debilitating.
And I say this because people think grief is path that looks exactly like this...
However, it actually much more like...
A constant cycle between the seven stages, that lasts a lifetime, not just the week of the funeral.
And i say this because over the last 9 months and 11 days, I've had lots of people comment on where they believe i should be in this journey.
"Do you think you are ready for ....."
"why haven't you...."
"don't you think you should..."
And the answer to all of these is "NO"
No you don't have the right to judge and decide where I should be on this journey, and even more so grief is not a straight 7 step, one week, one month, or one year journey.
You see when you get married, your bond with your spouse becomes infinite; especially when you have children. It goes for a lifetime. So twenty years from now the answer to these questions will still be NO. I will never be ready... I will never know what to do... I will never know the right answers... and despite any struggles we've had i will always miss my husband and my friend, but each day I get a little stronger and move a little further in my journey.
So if it seems like i have high and lows and great days and bad days, its because that is the truly what grief looks like.
Not whatever text book simplified journey you thought it should be ... maybe i'm a tad bit in the angry phase today too...lol... and thats ok, because in grief we laugh, we cry, we smile, we get angry, and we do it all over again. But if we are able to do all of this then that means that we are still living, and that is truly 99.9% of the battle