Thursday, August 17, 2017

hello... it's me...

so how many of you said that in Adele's voice .....lol! i totally sang it in my head in Adele's voice as i typed it! (but the title will make sense later) My posts have been pretty far and few between lately, but ive had ALOT on my plate

The last few months have been difficult.  Returning to grad school has been stressful. I've been battling a new symptom to my allergies that was causing me to break out in hives 2-3 times a week, which resulted in a whole new, and much larger allergy regimen, and steroids to strengthen my system. The steroids, caused weight gain; weight gain caused stress...  the boyfriend made a comment about the weight (audible gasp by the ladies here), which caused more stress... more stress lead to more migraines ... shall i continue... its been rough....

Recently i talked to my mom about things getting better, and being happy to finally being off of steroids and getting the migraines under control, and feeling like while ok... we are on the path again...

ok so fast forward a few days... somehow i upgraded my account recently and now my phone can play music for my morning alarm.  i notice for the last 3 days the exact same song comes on.  Normally i just turn it off but i figured, this was pretty odd, since it was pandora, and the songs are "random", so i let it play today.




so needless to say im crying... then the next song comes on, which is one of my favorite songs and clearly telling me things will get better.  i still remember the day my girl Libby sent it to me and told me to list for the first time  





so clearly im balling now... so im asking myself is this a sign... or am i just being crazy... and then this comes on



so as you can imagine i am literally shaking!!!shaking!!! and balling... like can you imagine being me and hearing these 3 songs back to back... and adele says "hello from the other side"😳

i swear i will never listen to this song the same way again.

i legit was freaking out... so thankful Marieanne was able to calm me down because

so for those wondering at work why yesterday was a 1 or a 2....now you know




Friday, August 4, 2017

soundtrack to my life lll- aka my casket playlist

if you've been following my blog for a while, you know i love a good play list, aka the soundtrack to my life.  yesterday in training, my new principal asked a very interesting question.

 "there is a company that has designed a casket that will play music.  the key is that you only get 1 soon... FOREVER... so if you could pick a casket song, what would it be?"

i immediately chose Butterfly by Mariah Carey, circa 1998 tho... not this 2017 Carey...

the more i sat and thought, the more i felt maybe this wouldnt be my current song, and further more, I'm an 80's baby, so there would be a mix tap fo sho !!!

So... with out further ado (i think thats how you spell it )...  here is my casket mixtape:
(what would be on yours...)



for every time someone tried to stop my journey:

 for every time i showed them who i really was:

 how i learned to live:

 what i still find myself praying  for at times :

 what i often find myself asking when times get tough:

 and the response im often given:


and what i learn time and time again and  so often have to remind myself:


and then i remember who i am :

Sunday, February 19, 2017

p.s. i love you....'

today i watched it...
i know what you're thinking, "a widow watching p.s. i love you is a recipe for disaster."

i didn't make it through the first 20 minutes last time i watched, but today i watched it in it's entirety.
today i saw a different side of the movie.
its not just about a widow, but about her finding herself.
and it dawned on me how we all go through our own journey to find ourselves.
and while i'm 99.99% sure most of our journeys aren't fabulously orchestrated by our late spouse, the journey is key.

for 15 years we were "Sean and Ashley" ...
and for a long time i didn't know what i was without Sean...
because in the good times, the turmoil, the happiness and the chaos, we were still a unit...

so the question became, what was i now?

i remember the first time i filled out a form and had to check my marital status

- single
- married
- divorce

those were my only options, and i didn't feel like any applied to me

so who was i?

what was i?

it took the last few years for me to figure that out.
to reach a place where i know who i am.

there were many tear filled nights, and panicked breakdowns.
there were so many nights alone, and lucid dreams where i'm sure that reality and the dream world converged for a while.

there was confusion and unanswered questions for both myself and my child

how could i answer her questions?
who was going to answer my questions?

and then i remembered what the pastor told me when they came to visit...

"ask God all the questions you want.... be angry... be mad... but know that he might not answer all of them, and they may not be the answers you wanted to hear."

you see sometimes God calms the storm, but other times he allows the storm to rage on and move us to where we need to be...

The last 3 years have definitely moved me, but they also allowed me to find myself

i am
... a black woman
... a believer in God's power
... a mother
... a daughter
... a sister
... an educator
... Ashley

and yes i am a widow,  but am no longer defined by this.
It is a facet of who i am.




Sunday, January 8, 2017

not always as we have planned....



In life we are constantly making plans....
Plans for dinner...
Plans for vacation...
Plans for Valentines....
Plans for LIFE...

If you had asked me 10 years ago, my life was planned and scripted to a T....
I would be married by 25
First kid by 27
New house by 28
Second kid by 29
Grad school by 31
Administrator by 32
Third kid by 34
2 dogs... PTA .... car pool.... the whole shebang (i think thats how to spell it)

but someone once told me....

and thats just what happened....

God said we will see and things changed.

Nothing went as I had planned....

And one day I woke up and realized I was totally out of control.

I kept trying to fix things.

I kept trying to fit into a cookie cutter mold....

Then i decided to let go and let God.

And in this process I have found happiness.

It was not the plan I had for my self by any means, but exactly where I'm supposed to be


wedding video