Sunday, February 19, 2017

p.s. i love you....'

today i watched it...
i know what you're thinking, "a widow watching p.s. i love you is a recipe for disaster."

i didn't make it through the first 20 minutes last time i watched, but today i watched it in it's entirety.
today i saw a different side of the movie.
its not just about a widow, but about her finding herself.
and it dawned on me how we all go through our own journey to find ourselves.
and while i'm 99.99% sure most of our journeys aren't fabulously orchestrated by our late spouse, the journey is key.

for 15 years we were "Sean and Ashley" ...
and for a long time i didn't know what i was without Sean...
because in the good times, the turmoil, the happiness and the chaos, we were still a unit...

so the question became, what was i now?

i remember the first time i filled out a form and had to check my marital status

- single
- married
- divorce

those were my only options, and i didn't feel like any applied to me

so who was i?

what was i?

it took the last few years for me to figure that out.
to reach a place where i know who i am.

there were many tear filled nights, and panicked breakdowns.
there were so many nights alone, and lucid dreams where i'm sure that reality and the dream world converged for a while.

there was confusion and unanswered questions for both myself and my child

how could i answer her questions?
who was going to answer my questions?

and then i remembered what the pastor told me when they came to visit...

"ask God all the questions you want.... be angry... be mad... but know that he might not answer all of them, and they may not be the answers you wanted to hear."

you see sometimes God calms the storm, but other times he allows the storm to rage on and move us to where we need to be...

The last 3 years have definitely moved me, but they also allowed me to find myself

i am
... a black woman
... a believer in God's power
... a mother
... a daughter
... a sister
... an educator
... Ashley

and yes i am a widow,  but am no longer defined by this.
It is a facet of who i am.

Sunday, January 8, 2017

not always as we have planned....

In life we are constantly making plans....
Plans for dinner...
Plans for vacation...
Plans for Valentines....
Plans for LIFE...

If you had asked me 10 years ago, my life was planned and scripted to a T....
I would be married by 25
First kid by 27
New house by 28
Second kid by 29
Grad school by 31
Administrator by 32
Third kid by 34
2 dogs... PTA .... car pool.... the whole shebang (i think thats how to spell it)

but someone once told me....

and thats just what happened....

God said we will see and things changed.

Nothing went as I had planned....

And one day I woke up and realized I was totally out of control.

I kept trying to fix things.

I kept trying to fit into a cookie cutter mold....

Then i decided to let go and let God.

And in this process I have found happiness.

It was not the plan I had for my self by any means, but exactly where I'm supposed to be

wedding video