the psychic ....

if only there was a way to tag my bridesmaids in this post.... and i feel as if there was a prior post about this, i may just need to do some digging through my old blogs... so i guess ill just have to start from the beginning *shrugs*

prior to Sean and I's wedding, i had my bachelorette party in New Orleans, and while there aren't many stories i can share from that trip, lol,  this is one of them...

One morning, some of the girls and I decided to get up early and do a little sight seeing.  We would explore the town and check out some of the street vendors. While walking in Jackson Square, a lady grabs my hand and says she needs to speak to me. Pretty sure that she could tell by the look on my face that I was clearly frightened when a stranger grabbed my hand. When I looked around I saw an empty palm reader table and quickly informed her that i didn't believe in psychics.  She stated to me that she knew I was a non believer but had a very important message for me, so she would need to tell me about my past and current, before she could tell me my future.

She said that she had a message from my grandmother who had just passed away, and that i had told her something when i was alone with her after she passed at the hospital.
" She wants you to know that she was still there and heard everything you said.  She is sorry about what happened and understands and loves you too."

I immediately began to ball.  She asked me was i willing to listen now, obviously i said yes and sat down.

"You are getting married soon..." (now mind you i had on NO items to signify my engagement, not even my ring, i had actually taken it off to clean it and left it in the hotel room) "and you are wondering, if this is the right decision, the answer is yes."  

And again I began to cry.  Just a few weeks prior, Sean and I had our first real argument about his drinking, and we had discussed cancelling the wedding.  At this point deposits were paid, he had just transferred to Dallas, and we ended up talking it all out, but this was the first time I  was honestly concerned that he had a problem. I remember my cousin Arry and Lisha holding my hand and us just listening to everything she said, while i cried...

" This marriage is meant to happen and apart of your journey. About a year after you are married you will have a daughter.  she will be smart and beautiful and the light of your lives. She will help you... i need you to understand me, things will get VERY HARD, and VERY BAD before they get better. You must push through, and no matter what, STAY IN YOUR MARRIAGE... you will want to give up at times, and when times get hard remember to turn to God and your family..." 

and i just continued to cry... i mean this isn't the most optimistic story going so far here

"Once you can get through the hard times, eventually things will turn out better.  Eventually you will have two sons, very close in age.  Older than your daughter, i see twins, so if not twins close in age"

she repeated this part multiple times and it was very confusing at the time...

"you will be very close to one, and your husband to the other, you will be the protector of one..." 

i remember thinking that i thought she was confused and maybe picking up a reference to our family and not me, as this storyline sounded familiar, but listened anyway.

"you will eventually have another child, but when you least expect it, and it will be a son.  you will live a long and happy life, but whenever times are hard you must remember to turn to your faith, and remember to just keep praying."

When she finished i tried to pay her but she refused to accept my money.  I cried the entire way back to the hotel.  Sitting now its been almost 11 years since that day, and most of her fortune has come to fruition.  If that last part does, L will be a little disappointed, as she still prays for a sister almost daily, and is convinced that D and I "just won't give her one" lol!

But Lani was born 13 days after our second anniversary, and is the most incredible little girl i could've ever prayed for.

If you follow my blog, then you know the spectrum of how difficult things became....


And I am now I am the happiest I've ever been, and I've ended up with "two older sons" who are a year apart in age, and one who I'm constantly protecting from a butt whooping lol.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future... Jeremiah 29:11

soundtrack to my life lll- aka my casket playlist

if you've been following my blog for a while, you know i love a good play list, aka the soundtrack to my life.  yesterday in training, my new principal asked a very interesting question.

 "there is a company that has designed a casket that will play music.  the key is that you only get 1 soon... FOREVER... so if you could pick a casket song, what would it be?"

i immediately chose Butterfly by Mariah Carey, circa 1998 tho... not this 2017 Carey...

the more i sat and thought, the more i felt maybe this wouldnt be my current song, and further more, I'm an 80's baby, so there would be a mix tap fo sho !!!

So... with out further ado (i think thats how you spell it )...  here is my casket mixtape:
(what would be on yours...)



for every time someone tried to stop my journey:

 for every time i showed them who i really was:

 how i learned to live:

 what i still find myself praying  for at times :

 what i often find myself asking when times get tough:

 and the response im often given:


and what i learn time and time again and  so often have to remind myself:


and then i remember who i am :

Beat to your own drum...

My cousin AB and I are soul sisters with out a doubt.  She's my "Twin."

Im not sure if its a blessing or a curse at times that our lives have aligned so much.  

Dont get me wrong i love that we always have each other, and that we've been through so many of the same life experiences, so that we always know that the other one gets it. But at the same time, it sucks knowing that some of, ok, a lot of the crappy experiences have been shared as well. And i wouldnt wish some of those days and moments on my worst enemy (although i dont have any enemies... sorry for the tangents, this is what happens when i blog without ADD meds lol)

But recently we had discussion on the fact that our lives are so parallel, but from opposite perspectives, and we got to talking about "beating to your own drum."

I think thats my life right now.

I have this huge family, who i love to death, but at this moment in life i've been keeping to myself and beating to my own drum.  Making my own experiences and being decidedly selfish.

AB and i discussed how this can make people feel like i don't care, which i totally get.

However at this point and stage of my life, i've really had to become selfish and focus on myself and Lani. 

Now there are people like AB and my mom  who really don't let me go full recluse.  They just call and text me anyway, and when i don't respond they show up.  But there are others like my Bestie MJ, who give me the business and a reality check, when i start to fall off, and remind me that others need me to be present as well, and i'm working on that.

But what i've come to realize with this whole cycle and journey, is that there is a phase of rediscovery and stepping out on your own.  I think my my other "life-twin-cousin" Autumn is  going through a similar stage in her grief process as well.  You want to branch out...  You want to move...  You want to change your clothes and hair... You want to try new things... 

You are trying to discover who "you" are all over again, something that most of us figured out around 22-23.  

With discovering the new you it forces you to reevaluate things, and for me, it's really made me want to develop my own relationships and experiences.  

Finding and meeting new people, who don't know me as "Sean's wife Ashley."

Legitimately, for the first year after Sean's passing, I swore that was my official name and that was how people would introduce/reference me.  

~ Hi this is Ashley, my friend Sean's wife

~ Hi you remember Ashley, Sean's wife

Which was always followed by pity and i'm so sorry about your loss convo... awkward to say the least in the middle of weddings, baby showers, parties, bars... its a buzz kill...

It just became so depressing, and often ended with me in tears.

So i just separated myself from it.  

I just wanted it to be 

~Hi this is my friend Ashley...

Thats it!

So thats kind of where i'm at right now.  

Making new friends.

Rekindling some old friendships.

And mostly stepping out on my own.

So I apologize if it seems that i've ignored you lately. 

Thats not my goal.

My Goals Are:

1. Take care of Lani, and let her see a mom that she will look back and be proud of one day

2. strengthen my relationship with myself and God

3. Focus on all things that make me happy 

4. Let go of anything that does not serve me for the better good

5. Avoid all triggers of stress and drama

6. Dont take anything in life to serious, there is happiness in everything, if you take the time to find it

7. dont waste a day of life

8. recognize, accept, and appreciate people for who they are

9. step out of my comfort zone regularly 

10. be healthier mentally, physically, and spiritually

a lot of rain lately...

With all that has happened in the world recently I would think many people are starting to question things...

Question God...

Question Humanity...

Question is this the "End of Days"...

It's scary...

I'm going to steal a little from my Facebook, but then i'll bring it back ...

"I think one of the things that hit home the most about the Orlando shootings, is the irony that Orlando is supposed to be the happiest place on earth! Yet there have been two mass shootings this past weekend. Suddenly America's eyes are pried opened again... 

The place we dreamed of going as kids, and put on our children's summer vacation bucket lists as adults isn't even safe anymore. "The happiest place on earth!" This is supposed to be our safe place. AMERICA IS SUPPOSED TO BE A SAFE HAVEN. America is the country that million flock to for religious and social freedom. That my Grandparents move to, to provide better opportunities for themselves, my father, and their future grandchildren and descendants. Where people flock daily to escape the persecutions that are so widely publicized elsewhere. To have their inalienable rights observed and protected. 

But when there were 372 mass shooting in the US alone in 2015, and now and between 133-176 mass shootings (depending on which news site you view) on day 165 of the year, the ideas of America being a safe place to raise our kids seems to have become more wishful thinking than the foundation of who we are."

Then this morning we woke up to yet another tragedy in Orlando and this time its a 2 year old child.

I just cried watching the news this am.

Then I thought about how our 3 tragedies, which seem to be the end of days to us in America, is an everyday reality in some countries.

So while we are sitting here in the midst of a storm, we must remember that God could calm the storm, but sometimes, he puts them in our lives to remind us of things...

So while we must remember to thank God for our blessings and even more so during our struggles.

Cutting the Rope... love tank part 2

Heres a post that has been sitting in my draft box for a while (actually since june 9, 2011).  I received it during a very difficult time in my life, and wasn't sure of where the next steps in life should take me.  This very email helped to make some very crucial life decisions and i will be forever thankful for one of my many Mothers sending it to me....

I'm sharing it now because there are people in my life who need it as well...

This one is sort of a guest post. So some of you may remember my love tank post from  a few years back.... i received this email from tyler perry via a friend and thought it was thought provoking....

Hey there guys, you good? So, I just finished filming a really good movie called GOOD DEEDS. It’s me like you’ve never seen me before. It comes out in February, brace yourself.   There were a lot of long days on this shoot, so I wanted to take a break.  I decided to do some traveling and since I still have 20 more pounds to lose before I start my next movie, ALEX CROSS, I thought I would go to the Grand Canyon and do some hiking, climbing and so on.  At one point in the climbing, I was over a steep drop and was tied to a safety rope, while a buddy’s safety rope was tied to me. It was my responsibility to help him up, since I was bigger and weighed more.  I told him, “I’ll hold on to you to help you up but if you start to pull me over with you, I’m going to untie this rope.” We had a good laugh about it, but I was serious… I started thinking about that moment a few days ago. How many times are we tied to a person, people or things that are pulling us down and we won’t untie the rope?  For whatever reason, be it family, friends, society, or just the feeling of being obligated, trapped or that if you don’t, no one else will.  I have watched so many people go over a cliff with a person that they are trying to help up, it’s sad. YOU MUST UNTIE THE ROPE!!! This is your life and you are wasting it being tied to someone who is destroying his or her opportunities and yours. If the person that you are trying to help does not know that they are worth being saved, how do you expect them to put any value on you saving them? You’re not worth it to them.  They can’t get it! SO YOU NEED TO! Listen to me, untie the rope and don’t lose yourself trying to hold on to someone who can’t survive on your level. You hear me? Maybe they have gone as high as they can go.  Just because you can survive on that level doesn’t mean that everyone else can. Stop trying to help them, UNTIE THE ROPE! I know you may feel this is cruel, but what is more cruel is dying a death that’s not your own. Letting your destiny go to hell because someone else pulled you there. Are you kidding me? That isn’t God! Here is what I have learned over the almost 20 years that I have been in this business. Let me tell you, I have seen and worked with some of the most talented people you can imagine and I used to wonder why they never got any higher than they are. You know, the kind of people who always seem to be at the door, but never can go in.  It used to blow my mind until I got a revelation from God. For many years I was the same way, I would get close and things would fall apart. I couldn’t get any traction, not in my career, not in my personal life and not in the pursuit of happiness. I just couldn’t move forward . Through much prayer and self-discovery, I found out that I used to be, notice I said “USED TO BE,” a self-saboteur. I would find a way to subconsciously destroy every good thing that was in my life and I didn’t even know I was doing it. Most self-sabotaging people don’t know that they are doing it.  I don’t think there is anyone sadder than a person who blames everyone else, but themselves for their situation.   The very revelation that I was causing my own problems was one of the greatest blessings God could have allowed me to see. Once I realized the behavior, I was able to change it. That is why my life is in such a great place right now.  I realized that my very thoughts were keeping me from being successful at everything.  “So, as a man thinketh, so is he.” Many times a lot of us sabotage subconsciously because of what mamma or daddy said, traumatic childhoods or any number of things that happened growing up that made us feel that we shouldn’t have or that we didn’t deserve it.  I’m here to tell you all, that misinformation was wrong. You do deserve it! You are worthy of it! For me, knowing that Jesus died and rose again makes me know we are all worthy. Why am I saying this? I’m just tired of people being upset with people who have realized their dreams.  The only difference in someone who is living their dream and someone who can’t get it to come to pass is they don’t feel they deserve it. They don’t feel they are worthy of it.  So many of us have dreams, dreams that the world is waiting for, talents that will help heal and change nations, but we keep destroying our own successes. I know for a fact that if I had not figured this out, you wouldn’t be reading this email right now. Nor would I be a happy soul. The world is waiting for your gift. Give it to yourself and you will give it to them, but first you have to UNTIE THE ROPE.

my semicolon...

My friend Libby sent me a list of get to know you questions to ask any one you are dating or wanting to get to know...

The thought is that after you finish these questions, you'll either really like the person, possibly fall in love, or be totally disgusted that there will be no need to go on another date....

I thought it would be fun to ask these to my family.  So at dinner we went through each question.  Some were funny!

Some were serious!

Some made us tear up!

Some made us debate!

But one question resonated with me...

"What is your greatest accomplishment in your life?"

The first time i played this game with someone, my answer was Lani! 100% with out a doubt!  Who wouldn't be proud of that smart, sassy, hot mess, argumentative, beautiful child?

But when i really sat and thought about it,  she wasn't what i was most proud of.

I was most proud of surviving my life.

I think Ms Erykah said it best

"I was standing downtown, downtown

Staring at the pebbles on the ground

Tryin to figure out a way up out of this town

And I know yeah, I'm not the only one

So many people out there chase the sun....

My Life

Sho ain't been too easy

My life 

The life I wanna live

My life 

You're gonna go through changes

My life

No turnin back' 

My life has not been easy.... Lets not forget The Series Of Unfortunate Events ... lol

But i can look back at these things and laugh now.

Some laughter is not to cry...

Some laughter is because some of it is genuinely funny as h@!!...

Some laughter is because I've learn to find the humor in things

It's easy to say that the last few years could have been enough to make anyone want to give up, much less the last decade, but i kept remembering the quote my friend Jill sent me 

and time after time I've had to remind myself that 

then one day i stumbled across a website called The Semicolon Project

The first thing you read on their page is 

A semicolon is used when an author could’ve ended a sentence but chose not to.
You are the author and the sentence is your life. 

I thought that was the most amazing quote, and found it so empowering.

And then i realizes that the struggles I experienced in the past, weren't my story.

They were just the first part of my sentence...

and this is life after my semicolon :)

btw.... it has definitely inspired my next tattoo ; )

Where Oh Where Did The Last 5 Months Go....

Some how I let 5 months pass without posting...

Don't get me wrong, I've written posts, I just haven't posted.

Some aren't finished...

Some I'm on the fence about...

Others serve as personal journaling...

Either way there has been a lot of changes in the last 5 months...

My sweet baby graduated from Kindergarten

I changed jobs and said bye bye to the classroom....

Most of I spent more time getting to know myself,

 

strengthening my relationship with God and learning to trust in his timing, 

 and most of all letting go of things that do not serve me well.

For a very long time I've been trying to please people and hold on to people and thing that have not necessarily benefited me in life.  I've spent a lot of time cleaning house and purging recently. I've found it cathartic and can actually see how removing unnecessary things from my life has brought me more peace and happiness. So i've chosen to embrace this mindset across all panels and avoid all unnecessary drama.

I've also embraced a forgiveness mindset.

I think forgiveness is crucial to having a growth mindset as well. And while many of those I've forgiven never apologized, it was necessary for me to forgive them so that I can let go of the hurt that has been caused and move forward in my own journey. 

Most importantly I believe I've began to see my rainbow

I have weathered what I hope has been the biggest storm of my life, but I'm so proud of what I've become after this storm. 

So as with many of my posts there is a song that expresses my current phase in life, here's my current anthem

Widowed and Dating....

So i began dating a while ago, but in respect of Sean's fam, i've chosen not to really speak on it.  Although, if you are a follower of my blog, or you know me very well you know there have been a few posts in reference to those I've dated or that have glazed over the matter.

Recently a friend asked me two questions
1. what is it like dating, as a widow?
2. What advice would you give someone whose dating a widow?

because lets be honest, many people don't know young widow and when they meet a 2nd one, immediately the first one they knew is like "the widow expert" ....  so here is my limited widow expertise on this topic...

Question 1 

When you become a "young widow" you immediately join a sisterhood of women who have suffered an extreme loss and heart break far too young... suddenly you go from knowing none, to now i have regular communication with 5-6.  We are all in different stages in this journey, so we can be a good resource for each other.  Thanks to my friend Tammy we even have a secret safe club to communicate  amongst each other, with others who understand ,things that many at our age never will.



When you begin on this journey, you wonder will you ever find love again...

Will you have more kids one day...

Who wants to marry a widow, because there is definite emotional roller coasters at time.

And lets be honest, when your date asks, "why you are single?" and you say "i'm a widow" we tend to get one of three reactions....
Reaction 1. the immediate look of fear (did this chic kill him???) As messed up as this probably sounds, when i see this face, i tend to respond "yes! the answer to your question is yes" if you know my humor you know that this is done with with a completely straight  face and a look like "if you F this up, you're next!" followed by a pause, then "I'm kidding"

Reaction 2:  immediately follows the relieved look but now curiosity has kicked in ,  "So how did he die?"

Reaction 3. the immediate look of sadness and pity rather than fear, which is still followed by "So if you don't mind me asking, how did he die?"

Either way, it can be a real awkward moment...

But there are a few who make it past this point and the convo is still good, and you consider another date.

But you must realize that Widows date with a purpose.  We know what we want, and what we don't...

I think initially we are looking to fill voids, may that be emotionally, physically, etc

Eventually you meet someone that seems to have lasting potential but you are very guarded...

I'm not going to open about my feelings, in fear of hurt and loss

I not going to let you meet L because i don't want her to get attached and then experience loss

And Im going to see how well you put up with me...

If you make it past this point  and a few months, then i may begin to open up...

So far dating this has gone multiple ways as well.... and as you know theres a soundtrack....
1. yeah after a date or 2 I'm like nope, this aint gone work... i still haven't found a song that quite covers it....

2. they had stronger feelings but i was looking for something else...



3. I had feelings and they weren't ready everything that came with dating me, fell somewhere between here ...


and here...


 4. the feelings are mutual and you both are willing to take your time to see what happens...


For Question 2

I think its hard to explain... but this is the best way i can....
1. If i stick around, its because i see something in you that i'm looking for... And i don't mean what you might be, what i want you to be, i mean who you are today....

2. Im a very open person, but becoming a widow makes you very guarded in love, so if i call you , or go out of my way for you i care.  I may not say i care... i amy not say i miss you... and it may take me forever to say i love... but in this situation, my actions truly have to speak louder than my words.

3. if i let you meet L, you are truly special to me, because she is the most important person in my life, and I never want to see the pain and heart break i saw on her face that night, ever again....


So id you make it through all of these then this is the best advice i can give you



How i would respond....