Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Beat to your own drum...

My cousin AB and I are soul sisters with out a doubt.  She's my "Twin."

Im not sure if its a blessing or a curse at times that our lives have aligned so much.  
Dont get me wrong i love that we always have each other, and that we've been through so many of the same life experiences, so that we always know that the other one gets it. But at the same time, it sucks knowing that some of, ok, a lot of the crappy experiences have been shared as well. And i wouldnt wish some of those days and moments on my worst enemy (although i dont have any enemies... sorry for the tangents, this is what happens when i blog without ADD meds lol)

But recently we had discussion on the fact that our lives are so parallel, but from opposite perspectives, and we got to talking about "beating to your own drum."

I think thats my life right now.
I have this huge family, who i love to death, but at this moment in life i've been keeping to myself and beating to my own drum.  Making my own experiences and being decidedly selfish.

AB and i discussed how this can make people feel like i don't care, which i totally get.
However at this point and stage of my life, i've really had to become selfish and focus on myself and Lani. 
Now there are people like AB and my mom  who really don't let me go full recluse.  They just call and text me anyway, and when i don't respond they show up.  But there are others like my Bestie MJ, who give me the business and a reality check, when i start to fall off, and remind me that others need me to be present as well, and i'm working on that.

But what i've come to realize with this whole cycle and journey, is that there is a phase of rediscovery and stepping out on your own.  I think my my other "life-twin-cousin" Autumn is  going through a similar stage in her grief process as well.  You want to branch out...  You want to move...  You want to change your clothes and hair... You want to try new things... 

You are trying to discover who "you" are all over again, something that most of us figured out around 22-23.  

With discovering the new you it forces you to reevaluate things, and for me, it's really made me want to develop my own relationships and experiences.  
Finding and meeting new people, who don't know me as "Sean's wife Ashley."

Legitimately, for the first year after Sean's passing, I swore that was my official name and that was how people would introduce/reference me.  

~ Hi this is Ashley, my friend Sean's wife
~ Hi you remember Ashley, Sean's wife

Which was always followed by pity and i'm so sorry about your loss convo... awkward to say the least in the middle of weddings, baby showers, parties, bars... its a buzz kill...

It just became so depressing, and often ended with me in tears.

So i just separated myself from it.  

I just wanted it to be 

~Hi this is my friend Ashley...
Thats it!

So thats kind of where i'm at right now.  
Making new friends.
Rekindling some old friendships.
And mostly stepping out on my own.

So I apologize if it seems that i've ignored you lately. 
Thats not my goal.

My Goals Are:

1. Take care of Lani, and let her see a mom that she will look back and be proud of one day
2. strengthen my relationship with myself and God
3. Focus on all things that make me happy 
4. Let go of anything that does not serve me for the better good
5. Avoid all triggers of stress and drama
6. Dont take anything in life to serious, there is happiness in everything, if you take the time to find it
7. dont waste a day of life
8. recognize, accept, and appreciate people for who they are
9. step out of my comfort zone regularly 
10. be healthier mentally, physically, and spiritually

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