hello... it's me...

so how many of you said that in Adele's voice .....lol! i totally sang it in my head in Adele's voice as i typed it! (but the title will make sense later) My posts have been pretty far and few between lately, but ive had ALOT on my plate

The last few months have been difficult.  Returning to grad school has been stressful. I've been battling a new symptom to my allergies that was causing me to break out in hives 2-3 times a week, which resulted in a whole new, and much larger allergy regimen, and steroids to strengthen my system. The steroids, caused weight gain; weight gain caused stress...  the boyfriend made a comment about the weight (audible gasp by the ladies here), which caused more stress... more stress lead to more migraines ... shall i continue... its been rough....

Recently i talked to my mom about things getting better, and being happy to finally being off of steroids and getting the migraines under control, and feeling like while ok... we are on the path again...

ok so fast forward a few days... somehow i upgraded my account recently and now my phone can play music for my morning alarm.  i notice for the last 3 days the exact same song comes on.  Normally i just turn it off but i figured, this was pretty odd, since it was pandora, and the songs are "random", so i let it play today.

so needless to say im crying... then the next song comes on, which is one of my favorite songs and clearly telling me things will get better.  i still remember the day my girl Libby sent it to me and told me to list for the first time  

so clearly im balling now... so im asking myself is this a sign... or am i just being crazy... and then this comes on



so as you can imagine i am literally shaking!!!shaking!!! and balling... like can you imagine being me and hearing these 3 songs back to back... and adele says "hello from the other side"😳

i swear i will never listen to this song the same way again.

i legit was freaking out... so thankful Marieanne was able to calm me down because

so for those wondering at work why yesterday was a 1 or a 2....now you know

p.s. i love you....'

today i watched it...
i know what you're thinking, "a widow watching p.s. i love you is a recipe for disaster."

i didn't make it through the first 20 minutes last time i watched, but today i watched it in it's entirety.
today i saw a different side of the movie.
its not just about a widow, but about her finding herself.
and it dawned on me how we all go through our own journey to find ourselves.
and while i'm 99.99% sure most of our journeys aren't fabulously orchestrated by our late spouse, the journey is key.

for 15 years we were "Sean and Ashley" ...
and for a long time i didn't know what i was without Sean...
because in the good times, the turmoil, the happiness and the chaos, we were still a unit...

so the question became, what was i now?

i remember the first time i filled out a form and had to check my marital status

- single
- married
- divorce

those were my only options, and i didn't feel like any applied to me

so who was i?

what was i?

it took the last few years for me to figure that out.
to reach a place where i know who i am.

there were many tear filled nights, and panicked breakdowns.
there were so many nights alone, and lucid dreams where i'm sure that reality and the dream world converged for a while.

there was confusion and unanswered questions for both myself and my child

how could i answer her questions?
who was going to answer my questions?

and then i remembered what the pastor told me when they came to visit...

"ask God all the questions you want.... be angry... be mad... but know that he might not answer all of them, and they may not be the answers you wanted to hear."

you see sometimes God calms the storm, but other times he allows the storm to rage on and move us to where we need to be...

The last 3 years have definitely moved me, but they also allowed me to find myself

i am
... a black woman
... a believer in God's power
... a mother
... a daughter
... a sister
... an educator
... Ashley

and yes i am a widow,  but am no longer defined by this.
It is a facet of who i am.

back at one....

it seems like i've returned to day one of my adult life...
Hell possibly day one of my teenage life too...
Feeling even more lost than i did a year ago....

You see a year ago i was in a daze...  for a while
I just became a widow, but felt constantly reminded that while becoming a widow i was still separated from Sean when this happened.
So did i deserve to be broken hearted still?
Did that devalue my role as his wife, because we were separated?
Would anyone ever love me again?
Odd question i know, but very real...
I remember sitting in the den probably, a day or two after Sean passed, talking to Amir, and telling him that no one would ever love me again....
I mean despite our disfunction (and it was quite dysfunctional) there was no doubt how much we loved each other.  Quite honestly, I always thought that our love would be the death of us.

So why would someone want to marry a middle aged widow and single mom, when they could find someone who was new and fresh, and someone who wasn't damaged and broken.
A year later that feeling is still there... but differently ....

Will anyone that i love, ever love me?
(and this is not the point where I'm expecting everyone to tell me it will happen. just wait, give it time, etc.  this is me venting)

You see i've always had this thing about falling for people who don't fall for me, or weren't exactly good for me...

Call it a fatal flaw, but so true.
They end up being on of my best friends or breaking my heart...
There really is no in between
And the ones who were probably best for me, and loved me i never loved them...

Maybe its the challenge?
idk
But now a year later i still have this hole, a different hole, but a very large hole.
At 32 this is the longest i've gone without a relationship (crazy i know).
Prior to that i think maybe 3 months.....
Its almost i don't know how to be myself and be single...
Call me codependent, but i enjoy having a partner...
Someone to discuss my plans and bounce my feelings off of.

You see when other people grew up they wanted to be a doctor or a lawyer or a singer...

But me, I wanted to be a teacher, wife and a mom.
Thats it.
And more the latter two, than anything else.

You see I enjoy cooking for a husband...
I want to have more babies...
If you look at my love language and personality, i'm a caterer and acts of service kind of person
So when i can't do that, it seems like that purpose is missing
I had a vision for my life....

And now all that seems not only gone, but impossible...

You know i always try to be an optimist and say that you shouldn't speak negativity into reality, so as i write this, my subconscious is like, "this is totally bad juju ash".  but this is currently my reality.

I am back at one, experiencing what feels like should have been my teenage years for the first time...
And it sucks...

I read a quote today that said, "you can't accompany anyone ins life, until you can be that company for yourself..."

But how do you do that...
I've never had to fill that roll for myself...
I'm great at being a girlfriend, a mother and a wife....
ITs all I've ever really known.
So how do i accompany myself?
I'm not even sure i know what it means to accompany myself...

All i know is that in this moment, with a million people around me i feel very alone.
And i just keep waiting for that person to find me...
Someone who will take my heart and take care of it like their own
and love me despite my frayed and damaged edges
because ultimately i feel like i have so much to offer and no one to give it to

nothing seems to describe it better than "Make it To Me" by Sam Smith

My mind runs away to you
With the thoughts I hope you'll see
Can't see where it's wandered to
But I know where it wants to be

I'm waiting patiently though time is moving slow
I have one vacancy and I wanted you to know that

You're the one designed for me
A distant stranger that I will complete
I know you're out there we're meant to be
So keep your head up and make it to me
And make it to me

So sick of this lonely air
It seems such a waste of breath
So much that I need to share
So much to get off my chest

I'm waiting patiently though time is moving slow
I have one vacancy and I wanted you to know that

You're the one designed for me
A distant stranger that I will complete
I know you're out there we're meant to be
So keep your head up and make it to me
Make it to me

Saying What I Mean V. Meaning What I Say....

Despite how easily my words seem to come on this blog, in person I'm not always the best communicator.  I tend to have two spectrum Absolute 0, my science people understand that this is a little more than just nothing, and 100, where I have this diarrhea of the mouth and say everything that is going through my head all at once.

Absolute 0 I'm OK with, because eventually I express my feelings appropriately once they are thought out.

But 100.... not so much.

I'm usually speaking from a point of anger or hurt and not very considerate of others, which is not how I normally chose to live my life...  You'll know if I was in this zone because I usually apologize or attempt to retract those words as soon as I calm down.


While I will not make excuses for myself, I will try to explain.  I spent a large portion of my life arguing and in conflict. Quite often those arguments would escalate to a very unhappy place. So I learned not to argue and to just walk away, but occasionally there would be a moment when my heart strings were pulled extra tight, and the chord just resonated with me, when that happened I would go off... Sometimes in anger but most of the time balling and just saying everything that I have held in for X amount of days.

Either way, neither of these tend to be very effective, and when 100 happens, I tend to hurt and potentially lose people who mean a lot to me.

Yesterday was definitely one of those days.  Because of my hurt, I chose to push away my friend. Despite my hurt, I never truly want to hurt anyone that I love or care about.  And while I hope one day I'll have my friend back (because i already miss the laughs) I understand if I don't.

I'm Sorry....