Sunday, May 10, 2015

Saying What I Mean V. Meaning What I Say....

Despite how easily my words seem to come on this blog, in person I'm not always the best communicator.  I tend to have two spectrum Absolute 0, my science people understand that this is a little more than just nothing, and 100, where I have this diarrhea of the mouth and say everything that is going through my head all at once.

Absolute 0 I'm OK with, because eventually I express my feelings appropriately once they are thought out.

But 100.... not so much.

I'm usually speaking from a point of anger or hurt and not very considerate of others, which is not how I normally chose to live my life...  You'll know if I was in this zone because I usually apologize or attempt to retract those words as soon as I calm down.

While I will not make excuses for myself, I will try to explain.  I spent a large portion of my life arguing and in conflict. Quite often those arguments would escalate to a very unhappy place. So I learned not to argue and to just walk away, but occasionally there would be a moment when my heart strings were pulled extra tight, and the chord just resonated with me, when that happened I would go off... Sometimes in anger but most of the time balling and just saying everything that I have held in for X amount of days.

Either way, neither of these tend to be very effective, and when 100 happens, I tend to hurt and potentially lose people who mean a lot to me.

Yesterday was definitely one of those days.  Because of my hurt, I chose to push away my friend. Despite my hurt, I never truly want to hurt anyone that I love or care about.  And while I hope one day I'll have my friend back (because i already miss the laughs) I understand if I don't.

I'm Sorry....  

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