The Battles....

I'm not only angry at others, but I have anger and regret at myself as well....

Every day I have this internal battle of "why didn't i stay in town?" ...  "maybe God didn't want me here when it happened"

"Why did i choose not to see him at the funeral home?" ...  "Did i really want my last memory of him to be that way?"

"Why didn't I fight harder to get him to go to the doctor?" ... "Would he have ever really went?"

"Why? Why? Why?"... "Would any of this make a difference?"

Thank God for Lani's crazy personality to constantly make me laugh or remind me that Daddy is watching over us, and as I try to be strong for her my heart constantly aches.

I try to convince myself that our separation was God's way to prepare me for this one day, but im not sure I truly believe that.  Nothing seems to prepare you for this...

Being in public send my anxiety through the roof, and seems like a constant reminder...
of all the families that are still happy and whole...
 All the babies we will never have....
Of how we were supposed to grow old together but didn't...
of daddies and daughters playing together and experiencing things that Lani never will...

Each new form i have to fill out for our new life...
the minute i get to the marital status line.... single or married....
i still feel married. i still have on my wedding ring. but i guess i'm single?!?!?
why isn't there a widow box?  That word widow is like a dagger in the heart

It is all so overwhelming and quite often i'd like to stay in the bed all day with the covers over my head. But thats not an option, because I'm a mom too.  And thank God for that.... I've said it time and again.  she is the main reason I'm alive today.