Monday, December 21, 2015

What would Sean Say....

note: this one is one that i've been trying to decide whether or not to post, but i feel it helps others to explain my journey...

I remember the first time I heard of a friend of mine dating after her  husband passed away, and thinking goodness, that was fast (it had probably been 5-6 months) 

I thought "if that were me i would just stay single".... clearly i was a little naive.

After a while my perspective began to change.  
She deserved to be happy and who was i to judge?

Little did i know i would be in her shoes a year later...

My mom and I talked the other day about what would Sean think/say if he could see me today...

How would he feel about me dating...
What would he think about my life changes and decisions...

her exact response... "thats why i love that girl..."

I know that he knows that while I have moved forward in life, I continue to keep his memory alive for L.  We talk about Daddy daily, but i also know that he would want both of us to be happy and to find love.  I'm always concerned about what Sean's Family and Friends will think as i move forward...

Does she love him less? No less, just differently. 

Has she forgotten him? Never. He was apart of my life for 14 years. he's a huge part of who i am today. our relationship and his death has shaped the way i think about life, what i value in life, and i treat those i love and care about...

What would Sean say if he was here?

Well here's the answer to that...



A month before he passed, Sean and sent me this text.  We finally decided that divorce is what needed to happen but we would wait until our summer vacation to Mexico with L was over.

He went further to say that he hoped I would find a date for Arry's wedding, since he wouldnt be going with me (i think this was him alluding to knowing that he was going to pass, but at the time i assumed it was because we would be divorced)

He also talked about me finding a man that would love both Lani and I the way we deserved... I think this was the first time i really began to question his health, or that there was something more that he wasn't telling me...

Then finally he said it... And i knew this would be our last talk...



(we actually spoke a few more times via text and phone after this, but i've chose to keep the rest private) 

As fate would have it, the divorce never happened and Sean passed while we were on vacation...

As a result, people being sick or in the hospital makes me cry nervous, and an unreturned phone call or text, will send me into a panic, because i immediately begin to perseverate on all the possibilities of why they aren't responding, until i hear a response.

Either way i know exactly how Sean would feel and what he would want for me, so i don't have any doubts what he would say...


And if i had any further questions, the song that Sean always said was his song to me answers it all





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