Saturday, August 6, 2016

Most Days...

When i was a little girl, i dreamed of being a mom...
My dreams were pretty specific too. 
I'd have 3 kids...
2 boys and a girl...
My girl would be something special.... in fact she was the only kid whose name i always knew

My daughter would be Langston...


She would be a cheerleader and a dancer

she could be a lawyer or a doctor



or anything else she wants to be


and know everyday that she was a child that i have prayed for, that i would do anything in this world for, and my favorite person on the planet


and to be honest...
most days i feel like i've got this mommy thing down....

my kid is fed...
she is bathed...
she's intelligent...
kid's got major personality...

she's independent and has a mind of her own....
she's involved with extra-curricular activities...
she plays well with others...
occasionally she wears shoes...
she's funny as hell....

she gets good grades...
her teeth are brushed most of the time...
and sometimes, emphasis on sometimes, her clothes match....

But then there are days like today...

Where she is absolutely rude and disrepectful to me...
When she has no idea or clue of the sacrifices i've made so that she never goes with out...
When she is a complete and utter brat...

and i feel like a failure...

How does my sweet angel


turn into Veruca Salt

where did i go wrong?

I've read the books....
I follow the mommy blogs...
I apply my child psych and development lessons to my parenting style...
I give her choices...
I allow her to have options and a voice..
I let her know constantly how much i love her...
And still somehow we've ended up here...

Her crying herself to sleep tonight...
Me sobbing...

and not feeling like i have this mom thing down at all...

i now know what it means when my parents would say 
"this hurts me more than it hurts you"
because tonight, being a parent broke my heart.
i felt like by letting her behave this way, and things getting to this point tonight, i let her down.


I can only hope that one day she will realize, that while some days i don't like her behavior, and she frustrates the hell out of me, MOST days i am the proudest person in the world of that crazy little thing, and only want her to be as great and wonderful as i already know she will one day be. 



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