Saturday, January 7, 2012

Easier Said Than Done

Since I posted my "separation" blog, I've had quite a few messages and calls from friends either sharing support, or their past stories, or even asking how I came to this decision.

Honestly I don't know. I think you just have to do what feels right in your heart. 6 months from now, I may feel totally different. But as for now I stand strong on my belief that I should stay married.

With that said, staying married is easier said than done. Not because I don't want to be with Sean, i think more so because I do still want to be with Sean and my heart aches at the thought that we can't have this happy little family. There are so many times that I stand in the shower or lie in bed and cry myself to sleep.

And the hardest part is that not only did I loose my husband throughout this, but I lost my best friend too. The person who I talked to about everything in the past, I cant talk to now, because the problem is between us. It's like I'm grieving for two people, my husband and my friend.

Looking at the spot next to me and having no one there to hold me at night, cuddling with my pillow, no kisses goodbye in the morning, it gets lonely. I try to remind myself, this is what's best for my family, in the long run this will make us better, but it also scares me that this will make it worse.

Are we driving a bigger wedge in our marriage? Is this making room for someone else?

Everytime we argue it seems like we are further apart than the last time, despite how good things were prior.

Asking my self daily with every choice, Am I making the right decision, will I regret it in the morning

Will this time make the transition to divorce and single life, all the more easy ... simple... Likely.

Then I think is this hurting Lani more or would divorcing be more painful? When she gets older how will I explain this to her? Will I explain it to her? Will she be dissapointed in the choices I've made, or we've made? Will this jade her image of marriage and love? She deserves a happy family, with loving parent. She is so innocent and shouldn't have to suffer or hurt because of our troubles. And each time she asks "where my daddy" my heart breaks a little more.

I would love to tell you that this is the easy fix to martial problems, but it's not.

I wish there was a fast forward button for life. Where we could skip through hurt and pain and heartbreak, and move forward to the life that we all want and hope for.

I keep trying to remind myself, "if He brings you to it, He'll bring you through it", "he will never give me more than i can handle," and some days that works. but sometimes I wonder how far do I have to travel through this storm? It seems like every time I start to see a ray of light peeking through the clouds, sudden down pours resume.

I pray and pray and pray, that this will get better, but I'm not sure that it will. I try to keep my head high, and tears dry, and a smile on my face, but that is so much easier said than done, when your heart is breaking little by little on the inside.

I so want to just scream to God "please!!! I just want my life back!" But I know that I have to let things take their course.

Please continue to keep my family in your prayers ... for our strength encouragement, and peace

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