Saturday, December 17, 2011

I forgive you~

This week our marriage reached, in my opinion, its lowest point.  Now I will save you the details, because that doesn't need to be shared with the world.

What I do want to say is I forgive you.
Now mind you He has not asked for forgiveness.
He hasn't even apologized.
But for me to move forward in my day and my life I have to forgive him.
Do I have to forget? Never!
But holding on to anger is toxic to the soul.

So why stay "separated" so long?

Before we were married, we met with his family pastor, who also married us.
He explained to us that the in the eyes of God, and the Bible, divorce should never be an option. (i have included the verses that were referenced during our counseling and or our wedding in case you are wondering the biblical reason behind them)

Some Pharisees came to him, and to test him they asked, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any cause?" He answered, "Have you not read that the one who made them at the beginning 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate." They said to him, "Why then did Moses command us to give a certificate of dismissal and to divorce her?" He said to them, "It was because you were so hard-hearted that Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for unchastity, and marries another commits adultery." (NRSV, Matthew 19:3-9)
Separation? Yes.  
Now, for those who are married I have a command, not just a suggestion. And it is not a command from me, for this is what the Lord himself has said: A wife must not leave her husband. But if she is separated from him, let her remain single or else go back to him. And the husband must not divorce his wife. (TLB, 1 Corinthians 7:10-11)
There were stipulations to a "separation" ~
You must always keep in mind what is God's will
~What God has put together, let no man put asunder. Mark 10:9

That you must not break the vows of marriage
~ To love, cherish, honor, be faithful
" Love is patient, love is kind, and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (NAS, 1 Corinthians 13:4-7)"
The role of a man and a wife:
 "Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. (NIV, 1 Peter 3:1-4, 7)

 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. (NIV, Ephesians 5:33)

part of our ceremony:  " The Woman came from a Man's rib, not from his feet to be walked on, not from his head to be superior, but from the side to be equal. Under the arm to be protected, and next to the heart to be loved."

That you stay focused on the goal of the separation
 ~ To mend your marriage and hearts
When ever you have problems, seek help
~ From the church, bible, or a counselor with the same beliefs, not family and friends
 i have to admit, that this is where i struggled.  While i did seek help at church, in the bible, and with an amazing counselor, I also spoke with my family and friends.  In hind sight I understand why this is not wise.  Your family/friends love you unconditionally, and when you forgive, they cant.

Now during the counseling that seemed to be such a foreign concept, and an unnecessary topic.
We are happy, and in love
We will never break up.
We would never separate!
But still i listened and agreed!
Who am I to argue with a minister???? forward to today...

I feel so naive to think that we would have this fairytale marriage.
Because as we all know fairy tales are stories, and not real life.

Understand, I do not hold him solely responsible for our troubles.
I have played a role in this marriage as well.
Am I blaming myself for his actions? No
I am simply holding myself responsible for my own decisions and their consequences.

A friend of mine told me this week (on a completely different topic)"If God can bring you to it, He'll being you through it."

So with that said every night when Lani and I say our prayers, we pray for our immediate family/household, that God will lead us where we belong, and for our friends and family, that God will continue to provide them with what ever they need, may it be strength, courage, love, comfort.

With that said I ask that you also pray for our family.  That God provides us with what ever guidance we need to get through this STORM.

i watched a video this morning on youtube, which seemed so inspiring and eye opening.
the young lady states that instead of asking God why me? start asking yourself why not you? God put you through this challenge because he knew you were strong enough to handle it ...
 " And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it"1 Corinthians10 :13

She goes further to say "Never ask God to take you out of the storm. Simply ask God to guide you through it....Sometimes God calms the storm, and sometimes God lets the storm rage to calm you."

SN: I know some of you reading this will be amazed  (possibly disgusted) by the stance I have chosen to take, and remain separated, not divorced. And I understand and accept your opinion.  I just ask that you give mine the same respect.  As always this blog is open, and you are free to post your opinions, and if you disagree, then we will just agree to disagree.


  1. We love and support you guys! I know this has been a very hard, emotional, and trying year! I am so proud of the way you have held your head high even when you didn't think you could. We pray whatever the outcome is that you will find peace and love.

    Katrina, Terry, & Addison

  2. I love and support you in every decision you make. I'm also just a phone call away if you ever need me. Stay strong! Love whit


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