Where oh where have The Harris' been???

Its been such a long time since i've blogged that I'm not sure where to begin...

L has officially began kinder and is thriving.  She absolutely loves her school and her teacher, and apparently has a new boyfriend lol.

I've changed grades and am enjoying my new role, although i miss my older babies and coaching.

I would love to say that i have this awesome update for you, but in all truthfulness we are just living our boring little lives, in our own little world.

And considering how insane the last few years have been, i'm ok with that

back at one....

it seems like i've returned to day one of my adult life...
Hell possibly day one of my teenage life too...
Feeling even more lost than i did a year ago....

You see a year ago i was in a daze...  for a while
I just became a widow, but felt constantly reminded that while becoming a widow i was still separated from Sean when this happened.
So did i deserve to be broken hearted still?
Did that devalue my role as his wife, because we were separated?
Would anyone ever love me again?
Odd question i know, but very real...
I remember sitting in the den probably, a day or two after Sean passed, talking to Amir, and telling him that no one would ever love me again....
I mean despite our disfunction (and it was quite dysfunctional) there was no doubt how much we loved each other.  Quite honestly, I always thought that our love would be the death of us.

So why would someone want to marry a middle aged widow and single mom, when they could find someone who was new and fresh, and someone who wasn't damaged and broken.
A year later that feeling is still there... but differently ....

Will anyone that i love, ever love me?
(and this is not the point where I'm expecting everyone to tell me it will happen. just wait, give it time, etc.  this is me venting)

You see i've always had this thing about falling for people who don't fall for me, or weren't exactly good for me...

Call it a fatal flaw, but so true.
They end up being on of my best friends or breaking my heart...
There really is no in between
And the ones who were probably best for me, and loved me i never loved them...

Maybe its the challenge?
idk
But now a year later i still have this hole, a different hole, but a very large hole.
At 32 this is the longest i've gone without a relationship (crazy i know).
Prior to that i think maybe 3 months.....
Its almost i don't know how to be myself and be single...
Call me codependent, but i enjoy having a partner...
Someone to discuss my plans and bounce my feelings off of.

You see when other people grew up they wanted to be a doctor or a lawyer or a singer...

But me, I wanted to be a teacher, wife and a mom.
Thats it.
And more the latter two, than anything else.

You see I enjoy cooking for a husband...
I want to have more babies...
If you look at my love language and personality, i'm a caterer and acts of service kind of person
So when i can't do that, it seems like that purpose is missing
I had a vision for my life....

And now all that seems not only gone, but impossible...

You know i always try to be an optimist and say that you shouldn't speak negativity into reality, so as i write this, my subconscious is like, "this is totally bad juju ash".  but this is currently my reality.

I am back at one, experiencing what feels like should have been my teenage years for the first time...
And it sucks...

I read a quote today that said, "you can't accompany anyone ins life, until you can be that company for yourself..."

But how do you do that...
I've never had to fill that roll for myself...
I'm great at being a girlfriend, a mother and a wife....
ITs all I've ever really known.
So how do i accompany myself?
I'm not even sure i know what it means to accompany myself...

All i know is that in this moment, with a million people around me i feel very alone.
And i just keep waiting for that person to find me...
Someone who will take my heart and take care of it like their own
and love me despite my frayed and damaged edges
because ultimately i feel like i have so much to offer and no one to give it to

nothing seems to describe it better than "Make it To Me" by Sam Smith

My mind runs away to you
With the thoughts I hope you'll see
Can't see where it's wandered to
But I know where it wants to be

I'm waiting patiently though time is moving slow
I have one vacancy and I wanted you to know that

You're the one designed for me
A distant stranger that I will complete
I know you're out there we're meant to be
So keep your head up and make it to me
And make it to me

So sick of this lonely air
It seems such a waste of breath
So much that I need to share
So much to get off my chest

I'm waiting patiently though time is moving slow
I have one vacancy and I wanted you to know that

You're the one designed for me
A distant stranger that I will complete
I know you're out there we're meant to be
So keep your head up and make it to me
Make it to me

525,600 Minutes

Warning: this is my legit feelings and memories right now, so it may be a bit too much for some to read.

525,600 minutes later, it still seems like yesterday.
it often replays like a movie in my head...

I remember waking up on the boat with sure panic and heartache... somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico or possibly on the Mississippi River at this point, I was convinced something was wrong, and in my heart I knew he was already gone. 

We went through calling and texting everyone we could think of...

After hours on the phone and going through the chain of command with the police department all the way to the damn chief of police, my phone rang and it was official.

"Hello Mrs. Harris, this is Lt. _______... Are you driving?"
"No""...I'm sorry Mrs. Harris, your husband is deceased."
I called my next door neighbor, because clearly the police officer was wrong, but she said it was true.
The next call was his mom, a call I never expected to make. Not even sure what I told her...


Four hours away, somewhere in Louisiana, our 4 yo daughter in the back seat asking where is daddy and why cant she talk to him?

We switched cars, so that my dad could take Lani home and i could go to the house.

I remember pulling up and seeing the coroner's van...
I remember seeing Shawn, Momma Wiliams, and my brother standing in the yard...
I remember collapsing right there...
Even more so i remember a neighbor coming over smiling and asking "whats going on? in a joking manner, and thinking "b*tch don't you see the cop cars and coroner van? wtf do you think is going on??? (but i digress)"
I remember begging to see him...
I remember the Detective apologizing, giving me his condolences and telling me that he didn't suggest i see anything. It seemed Sean had a heart attack a day or so before.  He told me i should just sign the paper to release Sean's body, then get back into the car until they were done....
I never got to see him...
I never got to hold his hand...
I never got to say a legit goodbye...
I remember my dog Bez busting out of the neighbors house and running to me and knocking me down... (but now that i think about it, this may have been a different day)
I had to go tell Lani still....
What do i say...
how do i say it...
how can i break my childs heart
I had to sit down with a 4 year old and tell her that her Hero, her best friend, and her father had died.

I told her as soon as we got home, that daddy died and went to heaven like our puppy Bella,  and she let out the loudest scream i ever heard. then she balled up in my lap and cried herself to sleep.

I remember my mother in law and cousin Walter pulling up late that night to my parents house and just looking at her feeling like i had no idea what to say.  I had lost my husband, but SHE HAD LOST HER CHILD. 
I still can't fathom what that must have felt like.
I... I.... I... all those I's 
it still seems so selfish and self centered as i recount those days

The next 24 hours was basically a blur. I was supposed to be making plans but I just remember walking in circles around the cul de sac in my parents' neighborhood and staring at the clouds and crying. my phone rang nonstop with calls and messages as people began to find out.  Someone had posted on Facebook already so the news spread so very fast. 

I don't remember calling family and friends but i do remember them showing up. I can't tell you who was there, i just remember a blur of people all around, who kept saying you need to eat.  but i wasn't hungry.  

We had a million things to do... i needed to call the coroners office and a funeral home and the insurance company and all this shit that I never expected to deal with....

All that kept ringing through my head, was him telling me that he had a bad feeling and just felt like something was wrong, and that he didn't think he would be alive when we returned...

I flipped and flopped between anger and heartache...
why didn't you give me more warning???
You could've chosen to get help...
You could've gone to the doctor...
why didn't I stay???
We should've at least been together and happily married when all this is happening.
Why did God do this to us?
What did we ever do to deserve this?
What will Lani remember?
Where will we go from here?
how will we pay our bills?
Was he in pain?
Was it quick?
What was going through his mind as all this happened?
Did he even have time to think?
Did he cry?
What will everyone else think? 
I hope they know this was natural.
What if people start rumors?
Why should i care what others think?
When will this nightmare end?
Why did God hate me so much to make this my reality?


Lots of questions...
Not a lot of answers

A year later we are much more functional than we were that day.
Our hearts still hurt
And we all still have a hole in our hearts, that will never fully be filled

A Year Later....

A year ago today i was sitting on a beach in Mexico, with my friend Ginger and Lani.  I cried a lot and mostly just contemplated my next move in life.  I decided when I got back to Dallas, I was going to return home, and try to fix things with  Sean.  I sent him a text that i thought would be the starting dialogue to our next step.

I didn't receive a response. Because his stubborn ass refused to ever use an iPhone our contact while i was out of the country would have been limited to social media. The next morning i face-timed with Sean's sister Joi and she said she spoke to him that morning so clearly he was fine. Maybe he just didn't check the Facebook msg.  He wasn't the biggest fan of social media.

i checked the alarm system and he had been going i and out of the house, so clearly he was fine.  We had many talks the week before about how he felt he wasn't going to be here when i got back. time and time again i told him it was silly and he would be fine....

Little did we know the next day would be the last day anyone would here from him

Split Personality....

I've alluded before about how at times I feel like I have to have "split personalities" being a widow.  This  has definitely been the case the last few days...

As we get closer to Sean's Angel day i feel like these feelings intensify more and more... 

The days and weeks leading up replay through my mind and they were incredibly angry and negative.  Definitely not the last memories of Sean that I would like to have for myself or Lani.

Often i think maybe she's forgotten most of it, because I try not to dwell on the negative with her, but occasionally she will mention something, and it verifies just how much she really does remember.

The bigger conflict, is while he wasn't always the best husband, HE WAS AN AMAZING DAD.  So I don't ever want my resentment to tarnish her memories and view of him. It leaves me feeling convicted pretty often.  I mean the Bible says we should honor our husband and how do you do that when you have resentment towards that person?

I often find myself asking Sean (in my mind, i'm quite aware that he can't respond)

Was it really worth all of this?

Did you really want to leave Lani without a dad?

Why couldn't you have just gotten your shit together?

Weren't we worth the fight?

Did you really want someone else to walk her down the isle or escort her to the father daughter dance?

Its almost like my initial anger at God and others, has now moved just to Sean. So while i should be planning a way to celebrate his life, I'm just pissed at him and thinking why should I celebrate this? This isn't a happy occasion...

And then i'm reminded because of Lani.  

Because she deserves to celebrate her dad and her happy memories

And as her mom its my job to insure that.  

Sometimes i find myself reflecting on my wedding day...

specifically this moment... I've never shown anyone these particular pics because of the memories that are attached to them for me... 

I had bent and broken a bobby pin fully in half and thought it was a sign from God

I began to ball uncontrollably.

 I was sweating and starting to hyperventilate.

I remember my cousin Arry fanning me and telling me it was just cold feet.

And my friend Letty searching for a fan and something for me to drink.

I had gone into a private room away from all the other bridesmaids and just cried.

Thoughts were going through my head like crazy.

A few nights before Sean had threatened to call of the wedding and  now I was considering the same thing. 

Over 500 guest...

My parents had spent...  well lets just say they could've bout a new home..

Caterers...

Flowers...

Family... Friends who traveled from all over

Sean...

I would be disappointing everyone... 

I just kept thinking does everyone feel this way before they get married, or was this the sign i was asking God for?

But all i could think to myself was what the gypsy in NOLA told me...

(she gave me a reflection of my past current and future... not sure i've ever shared the entire story on her... maybe that will be a future post...)

"You are worried whether or not you should really get married...

you two are meant to be, but this will not be easy...

thing will start out good, and then they will get bad, and eventually they will be really bad (specifically after your daughter is born)...

but you must stick through it, and in the end it will all be worth it"

When i first told Sean, he told me to never listen to "sleuth sayers" but later through out our marriage he would say that we were just going through the "difficult time" and eventually we would both be happy. 

I remember thinking that day... Do i want to knowingly put myself through very hard times.

This would be my last chance to back out, because i believe marriage is for life.  

But she said it would be be ok, and eventually i would have my happy ending, so i would just have to go into things knowing that one day things would be VERY difficult, and eventually there would be a light at the end of the tunnel

So my Mom wiped my tears away

 and walked down the isle.

Crying and shaking, and my God Father telling me that he had me, and i was ok.  

(my dad had already walked 2 daughters down, so he was ok with my God Father walking me down)

So we said our vows

And began what we though would be our fairytale with a looming hard time in the future

Little did either of us know that the hard times wouldn't be us together but me alone. 

So as I sit here and reflect on the past 8 years (15 all together) especially the last year, i find myself constantly questioning did i make the right decision that day?

And if i knew what all "very difficult" meant would i have still gone through with it...

but then i see this face and i know the gypsy was right... 

all the pain,

all the heartache,

all the confusion...

all the tears...

and all the laughs and love that happened too..

She was worth every second of it

Let Go and Let God....

Note: This is one of the many posts that has just been sitting in draft form for at least a month

I had to decide to just "let go and let God," with my anger.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm still find myself angry at times, but I have to remind myself what is the purpose of the anger?
Where will it get me?
What will it solve?


The Answer: NOTHING

What it has done is created divides in my life and rifts in a relationship...

I was once told that relationships are like a sheet of paper.  If you take care of it and protect it, it will always last.  However, if you damage it, trash it, scribble all over it, no matter how you try to smooth it out and erase the marks, there are always remnants and reminders of the past.

Some of this hurt happened months and years ago, while others may have happened days or weeks ago.

The point of it all, is that holding on to hurt and anger is more toxic to you than it is to the person that you are holding the grudge against.

So we let go and Let God and pray that things improve.
If they don't, then you know that God removed them from your life for a reason.

What ever happens, a weight has been lifted off my shoulder and i can breath easily, walk freely and live more fully

I can honestly say I feel so much better and happier  as a result

Her name is Me....

Monday officially marked the 11 months since Sean's passing.

Even more so it marks one month countdown until the one year anniversary.

I've spent a lot of time this week thinking, and mostly avoiding being at home, because the quite makes for a great "devil's playground."

I've replayed the last few weeks and month  of Sean's life in my head repeatedly.

It was spent mostly fighting and discussing divorce.

Something we promised we'd never do.

Something neither of us truly believed in or wanted

Something that had become the only option, if any of us expected to get out of this alive (ironic).

When i look through the text messages they are so angry and far from where we began... but randomly there is this one message in the middle of all of them, it was actually sent on June 12th last year (funny how different things can be in just a year)

It was a discussion about how I had lost myself in our marriage and that when I looked in the mirror I didn't recognize "ME" anymore. I had gained weight.  Stopped doing my makeup. My hair was constantly in a ponytail.  My eyes were empty. I was watching my life in 3rd person.  Apart of it, but feeling totally out of control. 

How did we get here?

How did things get this bad?

Why won't he just get the help he needs so we can have the fairytale he promised me?

How do you give up on someone when you took a vow for forever?

Am i doing whats best for Lani?

IS this what she will think marriage and "love" should look like?

What the hell am I doing here?

I was listening to the song "Me" by Tamia and realized that the words seemed to sat everything i wanted but could never get out.  I wanted so hard to fix him, that i broke myself down.  In fact i can remember sitting in PDH and the song fix you began to play, and i began to ball right there in an auditorium full of people.  I knew my friend Meg understood the tears as i tried to blame it on PMS.  But truthfully speaking, it was an ongoing cycle, and I finally decided I had to put Lani and I first.   While it hurts my heart daily that Sean had to go, I truly believe it was God's way of giving ALL of us a second chance at a happy ending.  For some people that last line will come across as both brash and insensitive, but if you were around for the last 3 years, then you will understand entirely where I'm coming from. We would have never truly left each other alone, and I'm not sure where any of us would be today. 

I miss Sean daily.  There is not a day that goes by, that we don't talk about him, and i pray that when I  get to heaven he and i will be able to talk and embrace and I pray that he remembers the love we had in the beginning. Initially i felt like Lay Me Down by Sam Smith explained my feelings.  I remember downloading the album in August and listening to that song  and just laying in bed crying.  

How would i go on?

What will happen to us now?

Can i just dog back to the bad times?  

Even the bad would be better than nothing at all.

Something?

Anything?

But day by day things got a little easier and a little more possible.  

I learned to smile again. 

I began to laugh again.

I felt a peace in my heart

I wasn't worried any more

I was happy

a huge weight and stress that i carried for so long were now gone.

 I felt guilty.

i felt judged

i felt conflicted

i felt like there became two Ashleys

The Me that i felt comfortable being, and the Me that i felt everyone expected me to be.

I would go back and read through the messages and emails we exchanged over the years, and this same text would stand out time and time again

 (yes i know its the same pic, but i didn't want you to have to scroll up again! you're welcome)

It reminds me that Sean would want ME to keep living and be happy.  and yes i used the word "ME" again.  which feels selfish, but I'm being honest. One of the hardest parts to being a widow is the constant feeling  of judgment and wondering what others are thinking.  

Is she too happy?

Is she moving on?

Has she forgotten Sean?

And the answer to all of these is NO.

But i also have found a part of myself that was missing. 

The "Ashley" i forgot existed.

 I have learned to laugh again.

And laugh in a way that i forgot that i could.

(ignore the dirt and unmoved grass.  its been raining ALOT here)

 As i type this post, the storm clouds have opened  a ray of sun is shining straight through my window.  I'd like to think that's Sean shining his approval down on me and supporting me on my journey to finding happiness 

So my lyrics now are some what of a mash up between
 Break Free.. 

I only want to die alive
Never by the hands of a broken heart
I don't wanna hear you lie tonight
Now that I've become who I really am

This is the part when I say I don’t want it
I'm stronger than I've been before

This is the part when I break free

Chandelier...

I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier

I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist

Like it doesn't exist

I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry

I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier

I'll Remember

Say goodbye to not knowing when
The truth in my whole life began
Say goodbye to not knowing how to cry
You taught me that

And I'll remember the strength that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
I'll remember the way that you saved me
I'll remember