Her name is Me....

Monday officially marked the 11 months since Sean's passing.

Even more so it marks one month countdown until the one year anniversary.

I've spent a lot of time this week thinking, and mostly avoiding being at home, because the quite makes for a great "devil's playground."

I've replayed the last few weeks and month  of Sean's life in my head repeatedly.

It was spent mostly fighting and discussing divorce.

Something we promised we'd never do.

Something neither of us truly believed in or wanted

Something that had become the only option, if any of us expected to get out of this alive (ironic).

When i look through the text messages they are so angry and far from where we began... but randomly there is this one message in the middle of all of them, it was actually sent on June 12th last year (funny how different things can be in just a year)

It was a discussion about how I had lost myself in our marriage and that when I looked in the mirror I didn't recognize "ME" anymore. I had gained weight.  Stopped doing my makeup. My hair was constantly in a ponytail.  My eyes were empty. I was watching my life in 3rd person.  Apart of it, but feeling totally out of control. 

How did we get here?

How did things get this bad?

Why won't he just get the help he needs so we can have the fairytale he promised me?

How do you give up on someone when you took a vow for forever?

Am i doing whats best for Lani?

IS this what she will think marriage and "love" should look like?

What the hell am I doing here?

I was listening to the song "Me" by Tamia and realized that the words seemed to sat everything i wanted but could never get out.  I wanted so hard to fix him, that i broke myself down.  In fact i can remember sitting in PDH and the song fix you began to play, and i began to ball right there in an auditorium full of people.  I knew my friend Meg understood the tears as i tried to blame it on PMS.  But truthfully speaking, it was an ongoing cycle, and I finally decided I had to put Lani and I first.   While it hurts my heart daily that Sean had to go, I truly believe it was God's way of giving ALL of us a second chance at a happy ending.  For some people that last line will come across as both brash and insensitive, but if you were around for the last 3 years, then you will understand entirely where I'm coming from. We would have never truly left each other alone, and I'm not sure where any of us would be today. 

I miss Sean daily.  There is not a day that goes by, that we don't talk about him, and i pray that when I  get to heaven he and i will be able to talk and embrace and I pray that he remembers the love we had in the beginning. Initially i felt like Lay Me Down by Sam Smith explained my feelings.  I remember downloading the album in August and listening to that song  and just laying in bed crying.  

How would i go on?

What will happen to us now?

Can i just dog back to the bad times?  

Even the bad would be better than nothing at all.

Something?

Anything?

But day by day things got a little easier and a little more possible.  

I learned to smile again. 

I began to laugh again.

I felt a peace in my heart

I wasn't worried any more

I was happy

a huge weight and stress that i carried for so long were now gone.

 I felt guilty.

i felt judged

i felt conflicted

i felt like there became two Ashleys

The Me that i felt comfortable being, and the Me that i felt everyone expected me to be.

I would go back and read through the messages and emails we exchanged over the years, and this same text would stand out time and time again

 (yes i know its the same pic, but i didn't want you to have to scroll up again! you're welcome)

It reminds me that Sean would want ME to keep living and be happy.  and yes i used the word "ME" again.  which feels selfish, but I'm being honest. One of the hardest parts to being a widow is the constant feeling  of judgment and wondering what others are thinking.  

Is she too happy?

Is she moving on?

Has she forgotten Sean?

And the answer to all of these is NO.

But i also have found a part of myself that was missing. 

The "Ashley" i forgot existed.

 I have learned to laugh again.

And laugh in a way that i forgot that i could.

(ignore the dirt and unmoved grass.  its been raining ALOT here)

 As i type this post, the storm clouds have opened  a ray of sun is shining straight through my window.  I'd like to think that's Sean shining his approval down on me and supporting me on my journey to finding happiness 

So my lyrics now are some what of a mash up between
 Break Free.. 

I only want to die alive
Never by the hands of a broken heart
I don't wanna hear you lie tonight
Now that I've become who I really am

This is the part when I say I don’t want it
I'm stronger than I've been before

This is the part when I break free

Chandelier...

I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier

I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist

Like it doesn't exist

I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry

I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier

I'll Remember

Say goodbye to not knowing when
The truth in my whole life began
Say goodbye to not knowing how to cry
You taught me that

And I'll remember the strength that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
I'll remember the way that you saved me
I'll remember

A Moment In Heaven...

note: i actually typed this on the flight to el paso and while i was there but wasn't sure if i wanted to post it, but in light of fathers day, i've decided to share it

Our first trip back to El Paso since Sean’s passing and my anxiety is on a 110!!! 

What will it be like?

How will i go into his house and room (which mind you he never really lived in, but its still his stuff) without him?

How will i have dinner with his family without him?

It just seems wrong to be visiting his family (our family too, but you know what i mean) without him.

I immediately begin to feel the anxiety creeping up to 210… 

This just feels wrong… But it has to be done.  

It'll be like ripping off a bandage; once it's done it done

When we got on the plane Lani really wanted to sit by the window, which was fine since we had the entire row to ourselves.  (Plus Sean always like the window seat so I’m pretty used to riding scrub) 

While we were “approaching our desired altitude” there were the MOST beautiful clouds i’ve ever seen.  I made the mistake of commenting that it looks like heaven.

Why did I say that?

She got so excited.  "If we are in heaven then we will see Daddy?” with the biggest smile you’ve ever seen

~ Cue tears :(

What do you say to that??? I was speechless. 

~As perceptive as she is, she immediately noticed my expression, and responded, “we aren’t going to see him are we?” 

Still quiet.

Still with tears.

Still heartbroken for her.

How many times in the last 10 months has she felt this way?

How many times in the next 70+ years will she feel this way?

And how many times will i be left unable to speak? 

Im her mom.

I’m supposed to be able to answer her questions and comfort her broken heart, but this is something I just can’t fix.  

It was an evening flight, so i tried to close the blinds and get her to take a nap, but she wanted them to stay open, just in case daddy made an appearance. Eventually she dozed off a bit, but would wake up occasionally and peak out the window. Each time with the same hope and heartache in her eyes

So as the sun set  over the mountains as we were landing, she squeezed my hand 3 times and said the sweetest thing. I saw Daddy in my dreams mommy.  He was standing in the clouds and smiled and waved at me.  He was on a far cloud but i heard him say i love you."

She had the sweetest smile and happiest look on her face.
You see thats the beauty and magic that still lies in her youth and innocence. Despite everything the universe has thrown her way, she maintains her faith, and it carries her through the hard moments when I don't know what else to do.

So i thank God for continuing to bless her with moments with Sean, especially her brief one in heaven.   

Why the holidays are so hard.....

Do you really want to know why the holidays are so freaking hard for single people, especially the newly single?  (I've never been an oldly single so it might be the same for them too...)


It seems like you are walking through one of those freaking commercials that pop up at valentines day...
you know the ones...
That have you crying on the couch like fml, with a box of tissues and a glass of wine (or a bottle but thats neither here nor there lol)

And you're over here feeling like your life could be one of those freaking antidepressant commercials... you know where that damn ball is asking you all those questions n the rain....


do you feel sad?  YES
are you lonely? YES
do you find yourself crying? YES!!!!!

 you get the picture...



It seems like it would be easier just to hide in the house all day, but then movies like The Notebook come on... or better yet P.S. I love you.... and you're like really???? lets just rub it in...

So the next holiday rolls around and you think ok, lets go out with the fam or friends.  Then you look around and everyone in the place looks like they are from Stepford...
Happily in love...
holding hands
2 and a half kids...

...everything you thought your life should and would be at this point.

Now I am quite aware that things aren't always as perfect as they appear, hence the beautiful couple across the dining room, that was arguing in the parking lot when we left... hell I was once that couple, so I'm quite aware that looks can be deceiving.

but then you think to yourself, at least there was someone to argue with...
Its that whole negative attention is better than no attention mentality/ battered woman's syndrome. And there is no need to judge I already know how messed up it sounds, but this is about truthfulness and not what sounds good to others...

So you start to think to yourself why is everyone else's life so perfect and fairytalesque, and mine is so.... well a "series of unfortunate events"?

Am i a bad  person?
Am i not deserving of a happily ever after?
Am i not pretty enough?
Skinny enough?
funny enough?
smart enough?
Christian enough?
just Enough?


And  don't worry this is not a pity party, its just the reality of how holidays feel when you are alone. And it's not like you're alone in being alone, according to the Washington Post 50.2 of american adults are single... I guess just none of them are at the restaurant we went to lol...

So the next time one of your single friends are sad during the holidays please understand that it really is a struggle.  And while tomorrow will be ok, today just sucks...

Saying What I Mean V. Meaning What I Say....

Despite how easily my words seem to come on this blog, in person I'm not always the best communicator.  I tend to have two spectrum Absolute 0, my science people understand that this is a little more than just nothing, and 100, where I have this diarrhea of the mouth and say everything that is going through my head all at once.

Absolute 0 I'm OK with, because eventually I express my feelings appropriately once they are thought out.

But 100.... not so much.

I'm usually speaking from a point of anger or hurt and not very considerate of others, which is not how I normally chose to live my life...  You'll know if I was in this zone because I usually apologize or attempt to retract those words as soon as I calm down.


While I will not make excuses for myself, I will try to explain.  I spent a large portion of my life arguing and in conflict. Quite often those arguments would escalate to a very unhappy place. So I learned not to argue and to just walk away, but occasionally there would be a moment when my heart strings were pulled extra tight, and the chord just resonated with me, when that happened I would go off... Sometimes in anger but most of the time balling and just saying everything that I have held in for X amount of days.

Either way, neither of these tend to be very effective, and when 100 happens, I tend to hurt and potentially lose people who mean a lot to me.

Yesterday was definitely one of those days.  Because of my hurt, I chose to push away my friend. Despite my hurt, I never truly want to hurt anyone that I love or care about.  And while I hope one day I'll have my friend back (because i already miss the laughs) I understand if I don't.

I'm Sorry....  

A Series of Unfortunate Events....

I will never forget that night.... We were at my friend Lisa's lake house, playing a game, and while i don't recall the name of the game, or the other book title options, I remember everyone agreeing in what seemed like a resounding unison, that if my life were a book it would be most similar to "A Series of Unfortunate Events."

I'd read the first book in the series, so i was pretty familiar with the story.  Mind you, this was prior to Sean passing  (SN: not sure if its a widow thing, but is it weird that my life is defined so far by two sections: prior to, and after Sean's Passing??? but i digress...)

I remember being a bit taken back at first, but quite honestly I could't be that surprised... Hell I choose the same book myself... laughing out loud, but not really laughing.  its actually more of a nervous reaction of mine... laughing not to cry...

Why did this get to be MY STORY... i had always imagined that my life would end up being a fairytale. And by all reasoning it had a pretty fairytalesque (yes i made that word up. if you are a new reader its pretty common) upbringing.  Grew up with both of my parents, in a fairly well to do neighborhood. Went to private schools until high school, where i went to Law and Science Magnet, on the dance team, honor student in high school and college. hired 2 months into my student teaching... my life should have been a piece of cake... i mean damn.. my sisters even nick named me Chelsea Clinton 

But there always seemed to be little bumps in the road... Well actually they were pretty FREAKING HUGE... a series of misfortunate events that would always mess up my "picture perfect" life.

So the fact that "A Series of Unfortunate Events" was my title shouldn't have been that surprising.  But it still had a sting to it... Part of the game required the other players to explain why they chose that answer, and for the most part the answers were pretty typical... 

"Dude you have bad freaking luck...."

"Ummmmm... The last year of your life..."

"well....uhhhhh......" with a shrug that basically translated to "you already know the deal"

And then it came to my friend Lindsay.  She had a different stance than everyone else, myself include, "Well yes you tend to have shitty luck, but you always seem to survive it ..." and i thought to myself, maybe it wasn't that bad of a title after all. Because if i was able to have a "Series of Events" then that meant that i had survived all the previous events, and i would survive whatever hand i was dealt next. (little did i know what was in store)

I think i've always tried to see the bright side of any situation but that comment has continued to resonate with me.  It reminds me of what my friend Jill told me "if God brings you to it, he will bring you through it."  So when life seems to send me one misfortunate event after another i will just sing to myself.... 

LMAO... I kid.. I kid.. but you get the point... I will Survive ;D

   

Tackling the Matrix with a smile

Long time no blog.... but for a while there life was getting pretty hectic....

In the last few months a lot has happened to make me question whether this grief process was truly progressing or if i was moving back to square one.

in the past few weeks i have come to realize there is no such thing as coming full circle in grief.... its really more like a matrix.

this intertwining journey of feeling and emotions.

I think one of the greatest lessons has been that its ok to smile and be happy too.

there is no law that says being a widow means perpetual sadness.

We get to smile... we get to be happy... and we get to live....

410,400 minutes....

its been 285 days since Sean passed away...  Thats 410,400 minutes.... 24,624,000 seconds.......

and sometimes it feels like yesterday...

Most days are good days.  That doesn't mean I don't miss Sean or the hurt isn't still present, it does mean that days are much more possible then they were in the beginning.

But that doesn't mean that there aren't bad days either.  

In fact some days are absolutely debilitating. 

And I say this because people think grief is path that looks exactly like this...

 

However, it actually much more like... 

A constant cycle between the seven stages, that lasts a lifetime, not just the week of the funeral.

And i say this because over the last 9 months and 11 days, I've had lots of people comment on where they believe i should be in this journey.  

"Do you think you are ready for ....."

"why haven't you...."

"don't you think you should..."

And the answer to all of these is "NO"

No you don't have the right to judge and decide where I should be on this journey, and even more so grief is not a straight 7 step, one week, one month, or one year journey.

You see when you get married, your bond with your spouse becomes infinite; especially when you have children. It goes for a lifetime. So twenty years from now the answer to these questions will still be NO.  I will never be ready... I will never know what to do... I will never know the right answers... and despite any struggles we've had i will always miss my husband and my friend, but each day I get a little stronger and move a little further in my journey. 

So if it seems like i have high and lows and great days and bad days, its because that is the truly what grief looks like.  

Not whatever text book simplified journey you thought it should be ... maybe i'm a tad bit in the angry phase today too...lol... and thats ok, because in grief we laugh, we cry, we smile, we get angry, and we do it all over again. But if we are able to do all of this then that means that we are still living, and that is truly 99.9% of the battle