When I was a child I used to imagine that growing up and getting married was like a fairytale. The castle, prince charming and of course the "happily ever after"!
As I grew up I learned that what I imagined was just that, A Fairytale.
And while some moments in life had been fairytalesque (yes i know thats not a word), life for me would be anything but that. There would be highs and low, good times and bad, joy and heartache, and everything in between.
This time of year we take time to reflect on what we are thankful for...
In the past my list has been pretty typical:
1. my husband
2. my daughter
3. my family
4. my home
5. God continuing to provide for us each and every day.
This year the holidays have brought about lots of fear and anxiety for me. Forcing that list to change in ways i never imagined
1. God: Despite the heartache that we have experienced this year, i can truly saw that my faith in God has increased in leaps and bounds. Every time my faith begins to waiver, he comes in to remind me that he is still there, and still protecting and providing for us.
2. The good times that Sean and I had together and the memories that he and Lani were able to form before he passed. Even more so the fact that we were able to capture so much of it on video so when she grows she is able to look back and reflect/remember the time she had with her dad
2. my daughter: She is one of the main reasons I've survived this year. She forces me to get up when i'd rather stay in bed all day. Reminds me that someone is constantly watching and imitating what i do, and that i must stand up and give her someone to look up to.
3. my mother: Who always has my back and supports my actions even when she doesn't agree with them
4. my AMAZING friends and support group: While they've always had my back, they have been my rock the last 6 months and i've said time and again i dont know where i would be with out them. Something so small as our little group chats make each day better. there is always a joke popping in when i need a laugh the most.
5. my home: While for a lot of people staying in the house would be awkward, it has been a place of comfort for lani and i, and while we will most likely move in the near future, at this current point im thankful to have a roof over my head
6. My JOB: Not only am i thankful to have a career, but im thankful for the built in family that comes with it. They have taken care of us over the last 10 years, but especially the last 5 months.
I think if anything i've learned this year, is to stop making my plans of what the future will bring and rest in sure that God's plan will happen either way. Even more so i've learned that to stop imagining what my future will be, and just take everyday for what it is, while living Life Unimagined.
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
A Soundtrack to Life II....
The last few months have been a whirlwind to say the least.... And while each day has it's painful moments, I can honestly say, I can see the light at the end and its so beautiful and clear...
So my soundtrack to life has changed a little
1. Pretty Wings by Maxwell: Sean used to sing this song to my belly when I was pregnant with Lani. It was truly one of his favorite songs, and to be honest I never really listened to the words. However on the one month anniversary of his death I heard this and I total got it. Him leaving was giving us a chance to live the life he wish he could have given us.... The life we planned for and dreamed about as kids....The life that alcoholism had taken a way.... And it also helped me to realize that he would want me to live my life and be happy....
2. Fix You by Cold Play: So describes how the last three years of my life were. Constantly trying to help Sean overcome his demons and see the beautiful person that everyone else saw. For such a great person, his insecurities were debilitating and kept him from every know how great he truly was
3. Make it to Me by Sam Smith this song brings tears to my eyes for so many reasons.. while it reminds me of Sean, it also reminds me that there is someone else out there for me, and that this has all been a journey in my life but my road is not nearly complete
4. Girls Just Want to Have (acoustic): This totally makes me think of my life right now, because i feel like the past 5 months has taught me to take advantage of the life God has given me and enjoy each day, but everyone wants me to be sad and depressed nonstop. while i have moments of sadness and heartache, i feel like i constantly have to remind people that i didn't pass away as well, and each day I am choosing to live!
5. Drive by Incubus: This song just personifies me! "Whatever tomorrow brings i'll be there, with open arms and open eyes." I've been much more aware of the little things
6. Perfect by Alanis Morrisett: For a very long time i felt like i had to be "Perfect." That is a HUGE task to fill. Honor roll, dean's list, college graduate, perfect wedding, SKINNY, well dressed, hair and makeup done, trophy wife, successful career.... and each time i didn't accomplish one of these task i felt like a failure at life. That struggle with perfection actually was a major factor in my depression during college because i didn't feel like i was fulfilling the expectations that others had for me. I remember being in middle school and hearing this song for the first time and balling, thinking "WOW!" she put my feelings into words. I think i am just finally getting to the point where I'm ok with my lack of perfection, self acceptance, and not really caring what others think as well.
7. Wide Open Spaces by the Dixie Chicks: I feel like i spent so much time living my life to what i thought was expected of me, that now I'm finally exploring the world. So at the moment I'm making mistakes and exploring my life with new eyes
8. Skyscraper (acoustic) by Demi Lovato~ What more needs to be said other than i will keep rising from the ground!
9. Awesome by Charles Jenkins~ This song has gotten me through so many days! My GOD is SOOOO Awesome and the fact that i am still here today proves that. When i am down this calm wave just comes over me and suddenly i feel empowered and strengthened to fight another day
11. Break Free (Acoustic) by Jessie Micheals~ The first time i heard Break Free by Araiana Grande and Zedd i balled. It totally made me reflect on my life and reminded me that i was strong enough to survive all of this. I absolutely love acoustic versions of songs, especially this one. I feel like you can feel the full emotion of the song.
So my soundtrack to life has changed a little
1. Pretty Wings by Maxwell: Sean used to sing this song to my belly when I was pregnant with Lani. It was truly one of his favorite songs, and to be honest I never really listened to the words. However on the one month anniversary of his death I heard this and I total got it. Him leaving was giving us a chance to live the life he wish he could have given us.... The life we planned for and dreamed about as kids....The life that alcoholism had taken a way.... And it also helped me to realize that he would want me to live my life and be happy....
2. Fix You by Cold Play: So describes how the last three years of my life were. Constantly trying to help Sean overcome his demons and see the beautiful person that everyone else saw. For such a great person, his insecurities were debilitating and kept him from every know how great he truly was
3. Make it to Me by Sam Smith this song brings tears to my eyes for so many reasons.. while it reminds me of Sean, it also reminds me that there is someone else out there for me, and that this has all been a journey in my life but my road is not nearly complete
4. Girls Just Want to Have (acoustic): This totally makes me think of my life right now, because i feel like the past 5 months has taught me to take advantage of the life God has given me and enjoy each day, but everyone wants me to be sad and depressed nonstop. while i have moments of sadness and heartache, i feel like i constantly have to remind people that i didn't pass away as well, and each day I am choosing to live!
5. Drive by Incubus: This song just personifies me! "Whatever tomorrow brings i'll be there, with open arms and open eyes." I've been much more aware of the little things
6. Perfect by Alanis Morrisett: For a very long time i felt like i had to be "Perfect." That is a HUGE task to fill. Honor roll, dean's list, college graduate, perfect wedding, SKINNY, well dressed, hair and makeup done, trophy wife, successful career.... and each time i didn't accomplish one of these task i felt like a failure at life. That struggle with perfection actually was a major factor in my depression during college because i didn't feel like i was fulfilling the expectations that others had for me. I remember being in middle school and hearing this song for the first time and balling, thinking "WOW!" she put my feelings into words. I think i am just finally getting to the point where I'm ok with my lack of perfection, self acceptance, and not really caring what others think as well.
7. Wide Open Spaces by the Dixie Chicks: I feel like i spent so much time living my life to what i thought was expected of me, that now I'm finally exploring the world. So at the moment I'm making mistakes and exploring my life with new eyes
8. Skyscraper (acoustic) by Demi Lovato~ What more needs to be said other than i will keep rising from the ground!
9. Awesome by Charles Jenkins~ This song has gotten me through so many days! My GOD is SOOOO Awesome and the fact that i am still here today proves that. When i am down this calm wave just comes over me and suddenly i feel empowered and strengthened to fight another day
11. Break Free (Acoustic) by Jessie Micheals~ The first time i heard Break Free by Araiana Grande and Zedd i balled. It totally made me reflect on my life and reminded me that i was strong enough to survive all of this. I absolutely love acoustic versions of songs, especially this one. I feel like you can feel the full emotion of the song.
Monday, October 27, 2014
A Not So New Ashley
So i've heard a lot of statements lately about the "New Ashley"....
It drives me nuts.
In one part, I'm like, i am the exact same person i've always been, but on the other hand I think, have you witnessed the last two years, especially the last 4 months.
For those of you who really know me, you know that i've always been the person i am today.
I've always been obsessed with make up and was a blonde for most of my twenties.
I have a million pairs of sunglasses and have always been obsessed with a good wax or laser treatment, and love a selfie.
On the other hand, it was safe to say that the stress of separation, Sean's alcoholism, work, school, etc had taken a definite tole on me.
I remember telling a friend that some days i look in the mirror and dont even recognize myself. I'm pretty sure I had fallen back into the depression that plagued my life off and on through out college.
And best believe I was a master of disguise. In fact unless you were my roommate, Sean, one of my besties, or immediate family, you probably had no idea how deep my battle with depression was. Especially since I became a master at masking those feelings, and putting on a happy face. But behind closed doors i stopped eating, would sleep for days on end, and cried nonstop. The worst part, was the fact the people complimented the resulting weight loss, and i would look at them baffled and just repsond, "not eating will do that for you" and they would laugh it off. But i wasn't joking. I would then go through a binge night, aka fat girl night, and eat insane amounts of food, which usually resulted in me being sick as a dog for a few days.
Eventually between a great psychologist and doctor we were able to work out a plan that worked for me, and brought me back to the light. It also resulted in a second butterfly tattoo (but tattoos are a different story).
When Sean passed away my friend Ginger and I began talking about the effects of an unhealthy lifestyle and how it would be horrible for Lani to loose two parents, because of lifestyle choices.
At that moment i decided that i couldnt die with Sean. Yeas he was the love of my life, but our love had become very unhealthy both emotionally and physically. So I decided to exercise more, eat healthier, take my meds the way im supposed to, and take care of ME. So that I could LIVE for Lani and myself. And when she looks back on her life and childhood, she could say my mom was a great mom to me, and if mental illness (God forbid) ever becomes part of her life story I can say, I've been there... I chose to get the help i needed.... I chose to live for you.... and you can too..
So long story round about.... I am the same Ashley thats always been there. She's just taken the backseat in life for a while and now she's back in the driver's seat.
It drives me nuts.
In one part, I'm like, i am the exact same person i've always been, but on the other hand I think, have you witnessed the last two years, especially the last 4 months.
For those of you who really know me, you know that i've always been the person i am today.
I've always been obsessed with make up and was a blonde for most of my twenties.
I have a million pairs of sunglasses and have always been obsessed with a good wax or laser treatment, and love a selfie.
On the other hand, it was safe to say that the stress of separation, Sean's alcoholism, work, school, etc had taken a definite tole on me.
I remember telling a friend that some days i look in the mirror and dont even recognize myself. I'm pretty sure I had fallen back into the depression that plagued my life off and on through out college.
And best believe I was a master of disguise. In fact unless you were my roommate, Sean, one of my besties, or immediate family, you probably had no idea how deep my battle with depression was. Especially since I became a master at masking those feelings, and putting on a happy face. But behind closed doors i stopped eating, would sleep for days on end, and cried nonstop. The worst part, was the fact the people complimented the resulting weight loss, and i would look at them baffled and just repsond, "not eating will do that for you" and they would laugh it off. But i wasn't joking. I would then go through a binge night, aka fat girl night, and eat insane amounts of food, which usually resulted in me being sick as a dog for a few days.
Eventually between a great psychologist and doctor we were able to work out a plan that worked for me, and brought me back to the light. It also resulted in a second butterfly tattoo (but tattoos are a different story).
When Sean passed away my friend Ginger and I began talking about the effects of an unhealthy lifestyle and how it would be horrible for Lani to loose two parents, because of lifestyle choices.
At that moment i decided that i couldnt die with Sean. Yeas he was the love of my life, but our love had become very unhealthy both emotionally and physically. So I decided to exercise more, eat healthier, take my meds the way im supposed to, and take care of ME. So that I could LIVE for Lani and myself. And when she looks back on her life and childhood, she could say my mom was a great mom to me, and if mental illness (God forbid) ever becomes part of her life story I can say, I've been there... I chose to get the help i needed.... I chose to live for you.... and you can too..
So long story round about.... I am the same Ashley thats always been there. She's just taken the backseat in life for a while and now she's back in the driver's seat.
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Nightmare and Explanations
before you read below, please know my blog posts are very descriptive. I try to capture every part of my dream before i forget it. So you may not want to read any further.
Since that phone call on July 17th, I've wondered why God didn't allow me to be here when Sean passed. I think last night I was given that answer.
Every time I've "Dreamed" Sean it's been so comforting and real.
But this one was obviously a dream, and i knew i was dreaming during it. I was watching it like a movie, much like my normal dreams.
Sean and I were up early talking and joking while Lani was still sleep.
He suddenly told me he did feel well, then grabbed his chest and gasped in pain.
I asked him if he wanted me to call the ambulance and he said yes. I could see the fear in his eyes.
I knew he must really be in pain if he wanted me to call 911, because he hated doctors.
I searched around for my cell phone, which is normally on my nightstand.
Sean said "I know i shouldn't say this but, just in case, I love you and will always watch over you."
Just then he grabbed his chest again and screamed out in pain.
the 911 operator answered and i told them i think my husband is having a heart attack.
During the call I saw the "gasp" they warned us about in my CPR training and immediately began. I sat there balling and doing CPR for what seemed like forever begging him not to go.
I don't remember the 911 operator being on the phone anymore but Lani walked in. She thought we were playing and then realized something was wrong.
She began to cry and scream, but i couldn't take her out the room, i just had to keep doing CPR.
She would have to sit and watch
Why weren't the EMTs there yet? we live 4 blocks from a fire station.
The hardest part was that I looked at his face and knew he was gone, but i couldn't stop. I had to keep going until the Fire Dept or ambulance arrived.
I looked at Lani while doing compressions, and she kept crying. I asked her to go open the door, for me so they could just come in when they got here, but she couldn't reach the top lock.
I just kept staring at her and realizing i have to stop but couldn't. i couldn't stop my self.
When i woke up I was still blowing rescue breaths and had tears flowing.
And in that moment i knew why God took us away.
No matter what i wouldn't be able to save him. That was his destiny.
And had we been here I would have had the guilt of not saving him, and Lani would have watched her daddy slip away. That would have been her last memory of him, instead of them having a self/dance party on the couch, the night before we left.
I lay in bed for some time and just thought about what happened...
And in the end I felt thankful for God being merciful for all of us.
I am sad that i lost my husband so soon, and Lani will go a lifetime with out her daddy, but...
I now know that Sean did go very quickly.
I know that he is constantly watching over us.
I am thankful that our last moments with him were happy and loving.
NOTE:
I do realize this may just be my mind creating a story to help me deal, but i truly believe God has provided me with many answers during the last 2 months.
Since that phone call on July 17th, I've wondered why God didn't allow me to be here when Sean passed. I think last night I was given that answer.
Every time I've "Dreamed" Sean it's been so comforting and real.
But this one was obviously a dream, and i knew i was dreaming during it. I was watching it like a movie, much like my normal dreams.
Sean and I were up early talking and joking while Lani was still sleep.
He suddenly told me he did feel well, then grabbed his chest and gasped in pain.
I asked him if he wanted me to call the ambulance and he said yes. I could see the fear in his eyes.
I knew he must really be in pain if he wanted me to call 911, because he hated doctors.
I searched around for my cell phone, which is normally on my nightstand.
Sean said "I know i shouldn't say this but, just in case, I love you and will always watch over you."
Just then he grabbed his chest again and screamed out in pain.
the 911 operator answered and i told them i think my husband is having a heart attack.
During the call I saw the "gasp" they warned us about in my CPR training and immediately began. I sat there balling and doing CPR for what seemed like forever begging him not to go.
I don't remember the 911 operator being on the phone anymore but Lani walked in. She thought we were playing and then realized something was wrong.
She began to cry and scream, but i couldn't take her out the room, i just had to keep doing CPR.
She would have to sit and watch
Why weren't the EMTs there yet? we live 4 blocks from a fire station.
The hardest part was that I looked at his face and knew he was gone, but i couldn't stop. I had to keep going until the Fire Dept or ambulance arrived.
I looked at Lani while doing compressions, and she kept crying. I asked her to go open the door, for me so they could just come in when they got here, but she couldn't reach the top lock.
I just kept staring at her and realizing i have to stop but couldn't. i couldn't stop my self.
When i woke up I was still blowing rescue breaths and had tears flowing.
And in that moment i knew why God took us away.
No matter what i wouldn't be able to save him. That was his destiny.
And had we been here I would have had the guilt of not saving him, and Lani would have watched her daddy slip away. That would have been her last memory of him, instead of them having a self/dance party on the couch, the night before we left.
I lay in bed for some time and just thought about what happened...
And in the end I felt thankful for God being merciful for all of us.
I am sad that i lost my husband so soon, and Lani will go a lifetime with out her daddy, but...
I now know that Sean did go very quickly.
I know that he is constantly watching over us.
I am thankful that our last moments with him were happy and loving.
NOTE:
I do realize this may just be my mind creating a story to help me deal, but i truly believe God has provided me with many answers during the last 2 months.
Monday, September 1, 2014
A feeling....
From the moment I arrived in Houston I felt overwhelmed with emotions. For 2 years I spent every holiday, long weekend, and summer vacation here. Houston was my second home. As I drove down 45 south I kept thinking, how many times he drove this drive straight from work, just so we could cuddle. He would get there an hour or two before I'd have to wake up. It was a perfect surprise every time.
For a moment it hurt being here because this was the first time I was here without Sean.
Then a calmness and peace set in and I felt at home.
I felt so happy and a huge whole in my heart seemed smaller.
Watching Lani laugh and smile more than I've seen in the last two months, and feeling wrapped in the community of support .
The only tears have been knowing that I have to leave.
SFA Alumni lovingly refer to Nac as "neverland", and being around every one feels exactly like that. While I know it's not a permanent fix for the hurt we are feeling, it is just what we need.
So for now I'm keeping my eyes on the 2nd star the right and straight on til morning!
See you soon Houston
For a moment it hurt being here because this was the first time I was here without Sean.
Then a calmness and peace set in and I felt at home.
I felt so happy and a huge whole in my heart seemed smaller.
Watching Lani laugh and smile more than I've seen in the last two months, and feeling wrapped in the community of support .
The only tears have been knowing that I have to leave.
SFA Alumni lovingly refer to Nac as "neverland", and being around every one feels exactly like that. While I know it's not a permanent fix for the hurt we are feeling, it is just what we need.
So for now I'm keeping my eyes on the 2nd star the right and straight on til morning!
See you soon Houston
Sunday, August 24, 2014
Loneliness and Questions....
The anger has subsided and now loneliness has set in....
I miss my husband...
I miss the hugs...
the kisses...
your beautiful smile...
the laughter...
your smell...
the inside jokes...
holding me at night, and your scruff scratching my face and neck....
knowing my every secret, wish and goal in life...
i even miss the stupid arguments....
the long toe nails scratching me at night...
"wooking" with the door open...
the constant smell of beef jerky....
all the other annoying habits that i complained about for the last 14 years(funny i cant remember one specifically now)...
I regret not letting him hug me too tight, or by squeezing both arms, because I felt claustrophobic...
I regret not showing you more PDA, because it "wasn't appropriate" or was embarrassing.
I regret not being there with you as you left this world and holding your hand...
I look around and wonder where my life goes from here?
I feel so selfish asking this. I mean i should be greatful that God has spared our lives.
But it's honestly how I feel.
Why us???
What do i do now?
Who's going to love me now?
Why my husband?
Will I ever feel loved again?
Then I think of Lani and my heart breaks more.
She only had 4 1/2 years of having a dad... actually 4 years, 7 months, and 2 days. Some people get a lifetime of having a father. why not her?
Who will take her to daddy/daughter dances?
Who will walk her down the isle?
Who will give her advice about men?
Who will intimidate guys who want to date her?
Who will her future husband ask permission to marry his daughter?
Why did God decide that she didn't need to grow up with a daddy?
Will someone fill that void for her one day?
Do we want someone to fill that void?
What will she miss most?
I go back and forth in my mind of why God has done this.
I try to convince myself that this was for a reason.
In my mind I want to believe we were meant to be, but my heart wants to know why it wasn't meant to be forever.
So I sit and just wait for God's plan to unfold, while my heart remains broken.
There is no band-aide for this.
There is no cure for this pain.
... and we are just here.....
sad....
sitting.....
in the loneliness and full of questions
I miss my husband...
I miss the hugs...
the kisses...
your beautiful smile...
the laughter...
your smell...
the inside jokes...
holding me at night, and your scruff scratching my face and neck....
knowing my every secret, wish and goal in life...
i even miss the stupid arguments....
the long toe nails scratching me at night...
"wooking" with the door open...
the constant smell of beef jerky....
all the other annoying habits that i complained about for the last 14 years(funny i cant remember one specifically now)...
I regret not letting him hug me too tight, or by squeezing both arms, because I felt claustrophobic...
I regret not showing you more PDA, because it "wasn't appropriate" or was embarrassing.
I regret not being there with you as you left this world and holding your hand...
I look around and wonder where my life goes from here?
I feel so selfish asking this. I mean i should be greatful that God has spared our lives.
But it's honestly how I feel.
Why us???
What do i do now?
Who's going to love me now?
Why my husband?
Will I ever feel loved again?
Then I think of Lani and my heart breaks more.
She only had 4 1/2 years of having a dad... actually 4 years, 7 months, and 2 days. Some people get a lifetime of having a father. why not her?
Who will take her to daddy/daughter dances?
Who will walk her down the isle?
Who will give her advice about men?
Who will intimidate guys who want to date her?
Who will her future husband ask permission to marry his daughter?
Why did God decide that she didn't need to grow up with a daddy?
Will someone fill that void for her one day?
Do we want someone to fill that void?
What will she miss most?
I go back and forth in my mind of why God has done this.
I try to convince myself that this was for a reason.
In my mind I want to believe we were meant to be, but my heart wants to know why it wasn't meant to be forever.
So I sit and just wait for God's plan to unfold, while my heart remains broken.
There is no band-aide for this.
There is no cure for this pain.
... and we are just here.....
sad....
sitting.....
in the loneliness and full of questions
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Dragonflies....
I've always had an obsession with butterflies and dragon flies....
Something about a living thing transforming into a completely different being, amazes me.
I remember being little and my grandmother telling me that dragonflies were spirits from people who have past, and they come back to guide you. I did a little research recently and this is a native america symbolism.
Philosophy of Life and Death
When the dragonfly larvae, or nymphs as they are called, are ready, they shed their casing and the graceful adult insect emerges. As much as this represents change, it can also be taken as a symbol of death, when the soul leaves the body. Also that the soul, after leaving the body, resides in a different realm, can be likened to the fact that the life of the dragonfly is also spent in two "realms". While the larval stage of the insect that is spent underwater, can be likened to life on earth, the emerging of the adult insect that has wings and is airborne, can be compared to the soul that is free from the body.
Read more at Buzzle: http://www.buzzle.com/articles/what-does-a-dragonfly-symbolize.html#general-symbolism
As a result i've always loved the movie Dragonfly....
Just the thought that our loved ones would find a way to come back to you and guide you, is just beautiful to me....
So..... story round about, since Sean has past (that still seems weird to say), we have seen dragonflies everywhere, especially the cemetery. Normally we only see one or two, but when we visit the cemetery there are swarms of them. Now normally that would kind of creep me out, but since Sean's passing it has brought me comfort. I have seen them every single day! The scientist in me is like, maybe it is just a coincidence, that he passed away during the peak of their metamorphosis season. But the romantic in me feels that it is Sean sending Lani and I loves! Every time she sees a dragonfly she is so excited. "Daddy came to visit us!" The way her face lights up, and she smiles, makes my heart smile.
So thank you Sean for the daily visual reminders that you are always watching over us! We love you a million xs a billion xs infinity
Something about a living thing transforming into a completely different being, amazes me.
I remember being little and my grandmother telling me that dragonflies were spirits from people who have past, and they come back to guide you. I did a little research recently and this is a native america symbolism.
Philosophy of Life and Death
When the dragonfly larvae, or nymphs as they are called, are ready, they shed their casing and the graceful adult insect emerges. As much as this represents change, it can also be taken as a symbol of death, when the soul leaves the body. Also that the soul, after leaving the body, resides in a different realm, can be likened to the fact that the life of the dragonfly is also spent in two "realms". While the larval stage of the insect that is spent underwater, can be likened to life on earth, the emerging of the adult insect that has wings and is airborne, can be compared to the soul that is free from the body.
Read more at Buzzle: http://www.buzzle.com/articles/what-does-a-dragonfly-symbolize.html#general-symbolism
As a result i've always loved the movie Dragonfly....
Just the thought that our loved ones would find a way to come back to you and guide you, is just beautiful to me....
So..... story round about, since Sean has past (that still seems weird to say), we have seen dragonflies everywhere, especially the cemetery. Normally we only see one or two, but when we visit the cemetery there are swarms of them. Now normally that would kind of creep me out, but since Sean's passing it has brought me comfort. I have seen them every single day! The scientist in me is like, maybe it is just a coincidence, that he passed away during the peak of their metamorphosis season. But the romantic in me feels that it is Sean sending Lani and I loves! Every time she sees a dragonfly she is so excited. "Daddy came to visit us!" The way her face lights up, and she smiles, makes my heart smile.
So thank you Sean for the daily visual reminders that you are always watching over us! We love you a million xs a billion xs infinity
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