With two days to go, its finally starting to feel like Christmas. To say the holidays have been difficult would be putting it lightly, but it is assuring to know that each day and event has gotten easier. I repeatedly remind myself that our separation was God's way of preparing us for this time in life.
I have been so blessed by our friends and family, who have kept us extra close during this season. I know Thursday will be difficult, but I'm dreading next Wednesday the most.
So many people have asked me what I'm doing for New Years or NYE, that I think they've forgotten its my wedding anniversary. Initially we thought this would be the best day to get married. "How you start the year, is how you will end it..." and now it seems anything but celebratory.
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
ANYTHING YOU UNDERGO....
This year has definitely been one of struggle and heartache.... it has easily been the worst year of my life.
Even more so, it has been the most growthful (yes i made a word up) year of my life as well.
Most days I make it through the day without a complete breakdown.
Other days it seems almost an impossible effort just to breath.
I look around and still feel like I'm in a fog, possibly a bad dream, or maybe even a movie.
Somedays I feel like I'm watching my life in 3rd person. Likes its a movie playing out in front of me. I see it... I feel it... I smell it... I experience it... but i have very little control over any of it.
There are days that I have no memory of. If i do have a memory of them, it's snapshots, clip... Sometimes triggered by a scent or a phrase, and suddenly deja vu strikes. A memory resurfaces. A friend usually fills in the gaps.
I was once told that when someone experiences tragedy, they go through shock. At the time I had no idea that I was experiencing shock. In fact I was pretty irritated by anyone who even uttered it, but looking back, I had classic symptoms:
Emotional and psychological symptoms of trauma:
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Physical symptoms of trauma:
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I had all of them at some time or moment. There are times that I feel like I'm still experiencing some of these symptoms, but through church, family, friends, and even blogging I truly believe I'm making my way out of it.
I've asked God many times why did this have to happen to us?
Wasn't there another solution?
Other options?
Why couldn't he solve our struggles another way?
What about Lani?
When will i tell her the truth about what happened to daddy? (she knows he went to heaven, and she knows there was a heart attack, but no other details)
Did God believe her life would be better growing up with out a father?
What memories will she have?
How do I explain alcoholism to her when she is older?
So many questions and a forever feeling like there were no answers....
Day in and day out...
Why God?
Why me?
Why us?
Why him?
How much more can we handle?
Finally at church this Sunday, i felt like God answered some or most of my questions through Pastor Edward's sermon. (Note this is an earlier service than the one i attended but the gist is still the same)
The message began with 3 simple statements
1. There is a God.
2. He has a plan for you
3. Don't miss it.
In that moment, in the very first few minutes of the sermon, tears filled my eyes. This was all God's plan. I don't have to understand it. i don't have to like it. but i do have to have faith in it.
There were a lot of great points in Pastor Conway's message but these few points resonated with me.
- Nothing can happen to you unless he allows it, and if he allows it then he's prepared you for it. It's is preparing you for your future blessings.
- You have to have enough courage to take a step of faith and believe in God!
- We don't know what he's up to, we just have to be faithful.
- If you want to know what God wants done, you have to look at what he has done.
- Every problem you experience now, is linked to a future possibility and preparing you fro the future
- Because of your obedience in his will, God blesses you.
I've read my notes on this sermon, repeatedly. And then today i saw this picture
and it was just further proof.
WE CAN OVERCOME ANYTHING WE UNDERGO!
Now, while it's safe to say, i have no idea of the destination for the journey we are currently on, but i do know God has prepared us, and we will survive it.
SO HERES TO 2015.
and to a journey and life completely unimagined.
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Life Unimagined
When I was a child I used to imagine that growing up and getting married was like a fairytale. The castle, prince charming and of course the "happily ever after"!
As I grew up I learned that what I imagined was just that, A Fairytale.
And while some moments in life had been fairytalesque (yes i know thats not a word), life for me would be anything but that. There would be highs and low, good times and bad, joy and heartache, and everything in between.
This time of year we take time to reflect on what we are thankful for...
In the past my list has been pretty typical:
1. my husband
2. my daughter
3. my family
4. my home
5. God continuing to provide for us each and every day.
This year the holidays have brought about lots of fear and anxiety for me. Forcing that list to change in ways i never imagined
1. God: Despite the heartache that we have experienced this year, i can truly saw that my faith in God has increased in leaps and bounds. Every time my faith begins to waiver, he comes in to remind me that he is still there, and still protecting and providing for us.
2. The good times that Sean and I had together and the memories that he and Lani were able to form before he passed. Even more so the fact that we were able to capture so much of it on video so when she grows she is able to look back and reflect/remember the time she had with her dad
2. my daughter: She is one of the main reasons I've survived this year. She forces me to get up when i'd rather stay in bed all day. Reminds me that someone is constantly watching and imitating what i do, and that i must stand up and give her someone to look up to.
3. my mother: Who always has my back and supports my actions even when she doesn't agree with them
4. my AMAZING friends and support group: While they've always had my back, they have been my rock the last 6 months and i've said time and again i dont know where i would be with out them. Something so small as our little group chats make each day better. there is always a joke popping in when i need a laugh the most.
5. my home: While for a lot of people staying in the house would be awkward, it has been a place of comfort for lani and i, and while we will most likely move in the near future, at this current point im thankful to have a roof over my head
6. My JOB: Not only am i thankful to have a career, but im thankful for the built in family that comes with it. They have taken care of us over the last 10 years, but especially the last 5 months.
I think if anything i've learned this year, is to stop making my plans of what the future will bring and rest in sure that God's plan will happen either way. Even more so i've learned that to stop imagining what my future will be, and just take everyday for what it is, while living Life Unimagined.
As I grew up I learned that what I imagined was just that, A Fairytale.
And while some moments in life had been fairytalesque (yes i know thats not a word), life for me would be anything but that. There would be highs and low, good times and bad, joy and heartache, and everything in between.
This time of year we take time to reflect on what we are thankful for...
In the past my list has been pretty typical:
1. my husband
2. my daughter
3. my family
4. my home
5. God continuing to provide for us each and every day.
This year the holidays have brought about lots of fear and anxiety for me. Forcing that list to change in ways i never imagined
1. God: Despite the heartache that we have experienced this year, i can truly saw that my faith in God has increased in leaps and bounds. Every time my faith begins to waiver, he comes in to remind me that he is still there, and still protecting and providing for us.
2. The good times that Sean and I had together and the memories that he and Lani were able to form before he passed. Even more so the fact that we were able to capture so much of it on video so when she grows she is able to look back and reflect/remember the time she had with her dad
2. my daughter: She is one of the main reasons I've survived this year. She forces me to get up when i'd rather stay in bed all day. Reminds me that someone is constantly watching and imitating what i do, and that i must stand up and give her someone to look up to.
3. my mother: Who always has my back and supports my actions even when she doesn't agree with them
4. my AMAZING friends and support group: While they've always had my back, they have been my rock the last 6 months and i've said time and again i dont know where i would be with out them. Something so small as our little group chats make each day better. there is always a joke popping in when i need a laugh the most.
5. my home: While for a lot of people staying in the house would be awkward, it has been a place of comfort for lani and i, and while we will most likely move in the near future, at this current point im thankful to have a roof over my head
6. My JOB: Not only am i thankful to have a career, but im thankful for the built in family that comes with it. They have taken care of us over the last 10 years, but especially the last 5 months.
I think if anything i've learned this year, is to stop making my plans of what the future will bring and rest in sure that God's plan will happen either way. Even more so i've learned that to stop imagining what my future will be, and just take everyday for what it is, while living Life Unimagined.
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
A Soundtrack to Life II....
The last few months have been a whirlwind to say the least.... And while each day has it's painful moments, I can honestly say, I can see the light at the end and its so beautiful and clear...
So my soundtrack to life has changed a little
1. Pretty Wings by Maxwell: Sean used to sing this song to my belly when I was pregnant with Lani. It was truly one of his favorite songs, and to be honest I never really listened to the words. However on the one month anniversary of his death I heard this and I total got it. Him leaving was giving us a chance to live the life he wish he could have given us.... The life we planned for and dreamed about as kids....The life that alcoholism had taken a way.... And it also helped me to realize that he would want me to live my life and be happy....
2. Fix You by Cold Play: So describes how the last three years of my life were. Constantly trying to help Sean overcome his demons and see the beautiful person that everyone else saw. For such a great person, his insecurities were debilitating and kept him from every know how great he truly was
3. Make it to Me by Sam Smith this song brings tears to my eyes for so many reasons.. while it reminds me of Sean, it also reminds me that there is someone else out there for me, and that this has all been a journey in my life but my road is not nearly complete
4. Girls Just Want to Have (acoustic): This totally makes me think of my life right now, because i feel like the past 5 months has taught me to take advantage of the life God has given me and enjoy each day, but everyone wants me to be sad and depressed nonstop. while i have moments of sadness and heartache, i feel like i constantly have to remind people that i didn't pass away as well, and each day I am choosing to live!
5. Drive by Incubus: This song just personifies me! "Whatever tomorrow brings i'll be there, with open arms and open eyes." I've been much more aware of the little things
6. Perfect by Alanis Morrisett: For a very long time i felt like i had to be "Perfect." That is a HUGE task to fill. Honor roll, dean's list, college graduate, perfect wedding, SKINNY, well dressed, hair and makeup done, trophy wife, successful career.... and each time i didn't accomplish one of these task i felt like a failure at life. That struggle with perfection actually was a major factor in my depression during college because i didn't feel like i was fulfilling the expectations that others had for me. I remember being in middle school and hearing this song for the first time and balling, thinking "WOW!" she put my feelings into words. I think i am just finally getting to the point where I'm ok with my lack of perfection, self acceptance, and not really caring what others think as well.
7. Wide Open Spaces by the Dixie Chicks: I feel like i spent so much time living my life to what i thought was expected of me, that now I'm finally exploring the world. So at the moment I'm making mistakes and exploring my life with new eyes
8. Skyscraper (acoustic) by Demi Lovato~ What more needs to be said other than i will keep rising from the ground!
9. Awesome by Charles Jenkins~ This song has gotten me through so many days! My GOD is SOOOO Awesome and the fact that i am still here today proves that. When i am down this calm wave just comes over me and suddenly i feel empowered and strengthened to fight another day
11. Break Free (Acoustic) by Jessie Micheals~ The first time i heard Break Free by Araiana Grande and Zedd i balled. It totally made me reflect on my life and reminded me that i was strong enough to survive all of this. I absolutely love acoustic versions of songs, especially this one. I feel like you can feel the full emotion of the song.
So my soundtrack to life has changed a little
1. Pretty Wings by Maxwell: Sean used to sing this song to my belly when I was pregnant with Lani. It was truly one of his favorite songs, and to be honest I never really listened to the words. However on the one month anniversary of his death I heard this and I total got it. Him leaving was giving us a chance to live the life he wish he could have given us.... The life we planned for and dreamed about as kids....The life that alcoholism had taken a way.... And it also helped me to realize that he would want me to live my life and be happy....
2. Fix You by Cold Play: So describes how the last three years of my life were. Constantly trying to help Sean overcome his demons and see the beautiful person that everyone else saw. For such a great person, his insecurities were debilitating and kept him from every know how great he truly was
3. Make it to Me by Sam Smith this song brings tears to my eyes for so many reasons.. while it reminds me of Sean, it also reminds me that there is someone else out there for me, and that this has all been a journey in my life but my road is not nearly complete
4. Girls Just Want to Have (acoustic): This totally makes me think of my life right now, because i feel like the past 5 months has taught me to take advantage of the life God has given me and enjoy each day, but everyone wants me to be sad and depressed nonstop. while i have moments of sadness and heartache, i feel like i constantly have to remind people that i didn't pass away as well, and each day I am choosing to live!
5. Drive by Incubus: This song just personifies me! "Whatever tomorrow brings i'll be there, with open arms and open eyes." I've been much more aware of the little things
6. Perfect by Alanis Morrisett: For a very long time i felt like i had to be "Perfect." That is a HUGE task to fill. Honor roll, dean's list, college graduate, perfect wedding, SKINNY, well dressed, hair and makeup done, trophy wife, successful career.... and each time i didn't accomplish one of these task i felt like a failure at life. That struggle with perfection actually was a major factor in my depression during college because i didn't feel like i was fulfilling the expectations that others had for me. I remember being in middle school and hearing this song for the first time and balling, thinking "WOW!" she put my feelings into words. I think i am just finally getting to the point where I'm ok with my lack of perfection, self acceptance, and not really caring what others think as well.
7. Wide Open Spaces by the Dixie Chicks: I feel like i spent so much time living my life to what i thought was expected of me, that now I'm finally exploring the world. So at the moment I'm making mistakes and exploring my life with new eyes
8. Skyscraper (acoustic) by Demi Lovato~ What more needs to be said other than i will keep rising from the ground!
9. Awesome by Charles Jenkins~ This song has gotten me through so many days! My GOD is SOOOO Awesome and the fact that i am still here today proves that. When i am down this calm wave just comes over me and suddenly i feel empowered and strengthened to fight another day
11. Break Free (Acoustic) by Jessie Micheals~ The first time i heard Break Free by Araiana Grande and Zedd i balled. It totally made me reflect on my life and reminded me that i was strong enough to survive all of this. I absolutely love acoustic versions of songs, especially this one. I feel like you can feel the full emotion of the song.
Monday, October 27, 2014
A Not So New Ashley
So i've heard a lot of statements lately about the "New Ashley"....
It drives me nuts.
In one part, I'm like, i am the exact same person i've always been, but on the other hand I think, have you witnessed the last two years, especially the last 4 months.
For those of you who really know me, you know that i've always been the person i am today.
I've always been obsessed with make up and was a blonde for most of my twenties.
I have a million pairs of sunglasses and have always been obsessed with a good wax or laser treatment, and love a selfie.
On the other hand, it was safe to say that the stress of separation, Sean's alcoholism, work, school, etc had taken a definite tole on me.
I remember telling a friend that some days i look in the mirror and dont even recognize myself. I'm pretty sure I had fallen back into the depression that plagued my life off and on through out college.
And best believe I was a master of disguise. In fact unless you were my roommate, Sean, one of my besties, or immediate family, you probably had no idea how deep my battle with depression was. Especially since I became a master at masking those feelings, and putting on a happy face. But behind closed doors i stopped eating, would sleep for days on end, and cried nonstop. The worst part, was the fact the people complimented the resulting weight loss, and i would look at them baffled and just repsond, "not eating will do that for you" and they would laugh it off. But i wasn't joking. I would then go through a binge night, aka fat girl night, and eat insane amounts of food, which usually resulted in me being sick as a dog for a few days.
Eventually between a great psychologist and doctor we were able to work out a plan that worked for me, and brought me back to the light. It also resulted in a second butterfly tattoo (but tattoos are a different story).
When Sean passed away my friend Ginger and I began talking about the effects of an unhealthy lifestyle and how it would be horrible for Lani to loose two parents, because of lifestyle choices.
At that moment i decided that i couldnt die with Sean. Yeas he was the love of my life, but our love had become very unhealthy both emotionally and physically. So I decided to exercise more, eat healthier, take my meds the way im supposed to, and take care of ME. So that I could LIVE for Lani and myself. And when she looks back on her life and childhood, she could say my mom was a great mom to me, and if mental illness (God forbid) ever becomes part of her life story I can say, I've been there... I chose to get the help i needed.... I chose to live for you.... and you can too..
So long story round about.... I am the same Ashley thats always been there. She's just taken the backseat in life for a while and now she's back in the driver's seat.
It drives me nuts.
In one part, I'm like, i am the exact same person i've always been, but on the other hand I think, have you witnessed the last two years, especially the last 4 months.
For those of you who really know me, you know that i've always been the person i am today.
I've always been obsessed with make up and was a blonde for most of my twenties.
I have a million pairs of sunglasses and have always been obsessed with a good wax or laser treatment, and love a selfie.
On the other hand, it was safe to say that the stress of separation, Sean's alcoholism, work, school, etc had taken a definite tole on me.
I remember telling a friend that some days i look in the mirror and dont even recognize myself. I'm pretty sure I had fallen back into the depression that plagued my life off and on through out college.
And best believe I was a master of disguise. In fact unless you were my roommate, Sean, one of my besties, or immediate family, you probably had no idea how deep my battle with depression was. Especially since I became a master at masking those feelings, and putting on a happy face. But behind closed doors i stopped eating, would sleep for days on end, and cried nonstop. The worst part, was the fact the people complimented the resulting weight loss, and i would look at them baffled and just repsond, "not eating will do that for you" and they would laugh it off. But i wasn't joking. I would then go through a binge night, aka fat girl night, and eat insane amounts of food, which usually resulted in me being sick as a dog for a few days.
Eventually between a great psychologist and doctor we were able to work out a plan that worked for me, and brought me back to the light. It also resulted in a second butterfly tattoo (but tattoos are a different story).
When Sean passed away my friend Ginger and I began talking about the effects of an unhealthy lifestyle and how it would be horrible for Lani to loose two parents, because of lifestyle choices.
At that moment i decided that i couldnt die with Sean. Yeas he was the love of my life, but our love had become very unhealthy both emotionally and physically. So I decided to exercise more, eat healthier, take my meds the way im supposed to, and take care of ME. So that I could LIVE for Lani and myself. And when she looks back on her life and childhood, she could say my mom was a great mom to me, and if mental illness (God forbid) ever becomes part of her life story I can say, I've been there... I chose to get the help i needed.... I chose to live for you.... and you can too..
So long story round about.... I am the same Ashley thats always been there. She's just taken the backseat in life for a while and now she's back in the driver's seat.
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Nightmare and Explanations
before you read below, please know my blog posts are very descriptive. I try to capture every part of my dream before i forget it. So you may not want to read any further.
Since that phone call on July 17th, I've wondered why God didn't allow me to be here when Sean passed. I think last night I was given that answer.
Every time I've "Dreamed" Sean it's been so comforting and real.
But this one was obviously a dream, and i knew i was dreaming during it. I was watching it like a movie, much like my normal dreams.
Sean and I were up early talking and joking while Lani was still sleep.
He suddenly told me he did feel well, then grabbed his chest and gasped in pain.
I asked him if he wanted me to call the ambulance and he said yes. I could see the fear in his eyes.
I knew he must really be in pain if he wanted me to call 911, because he hated doctors.
I searched around for my cell phone, which is normally on my nightstand.
Sean said "I know i shouldn't say this but, just in case, I love you and will always watch over you."
Just then he grabbed his chest again and screamed out in pain.
the 911 operator answered and i told them i think my husband is having a heart attack.
During the call I saw the "gasp" they warned us about in my CPR training and immediately began. I sat there balling and doing CPR for what seemed like forever begging him not to go.
I don't remember the 911 operator being on the phone anymore but Lani walked in. She thought we were playing and then realized something was wrong.
She began to cry and scream, but i couldn't take her out the room, i just had to keep doing CPR.
She would have to sit and watch
Why weren't the EMTs there yet? we live 4 blocks from a fire station.
The hardest part was that I looked at his face and knew he was gone, but i couldn't stop. I had to keep going until the Fire Dept or ambulance arrived.
I looked at Lani while doing compressions, and she kept crying. I asked her to go open the door, for me so they could just come in when they got here, but she couldn't reach the top lock.
I just kept staring at her and realizing i have to stop but couldn't. i couldn't stop my self.
When i woke up I was still blowing rescue breaths and had tears flowing.
And in that moment i knew why God took us away.
No matter what i wouldn't be able to save him. That was his destiny.
And had we been here I would have had the guilt of not saving him, and Lani would have watched her daddy slip away. That would have been her last memory of him, instead of them having a self/dance party on the couch, the night before we left.
I lay in bed for some time and just thought about what happened...
And in the end I felt thankful for God being merciful for all of us.
I am sad that i lost my husband so soon, and Lani will go a lifetime with out her daddy, but...
I now know that Sean did go very quickly.
I know that he is constantly watching over us.
I am thankful that our last moments with him were happy and loving.
NOTE:
I do realize this may just be my mind creating a story to help me deal, but i truly believe God has provided me with many answers during the last 2 months.
Since that phone call on July 17th, I've wondered why God didn't allow me to be here when Sean passed. I think last night I was given that answer.
Every time I've "Dreamed" Sean it's been so comforting and real.
But this one was obviously a dream, and i knew i was dreaming during it. I was watching it like a movie, much like my normal dreams.
Sean and I were up early talking and joking while Lani was still sleep.
He suddenly told me he did feel well, then grabbed his chest and gasped in pain.
I asked him if he wanted me to call the ambulance and he said yes. I could see the fear in his eyes.
I knew he must really be in pain if he wanted me to call 911, because he hated doctors.
I searched around for my cell phone, which is normally on my nightstand.
Sean said "I know i shouldn't say this but, just in case, I love you and will always watch over you."
Just then he grabbed his chest again and screamed out in pain.
the 911 operator answered and i told them i think my husband is having a heart attack.
During the call I saw the "gasp" they warned us about in my CPR training and immediately began. I sat there balling and doing CPR for what seemed like forever begging him not to go.
I don't remember the 911 operator being on the phone anymore but Lani walked in. She thought we were playing and then realized something was wrong.
She began to cry and scream, but i couldn't take her out the room, i just had to keep doing CPR.
She would have to sit and watch
Why weren't the EMTs there yet? we live 4 blocks from a fire station.
The hardest part was that I looked at his face and knew he was gone, but i couldn't stop. I had to keep going until the Fire Dept or ambulance arrived.
I looked at Lani while doing compressions, and she kept crying. I asked her to go open the door, for me so they could just come in when they got here, but she couldn't reach the top lock.
I just kept staring at her and realizing i have to stop but couldn't. i couldn't stop my self.
When i woke up I was still blowing rescue breaths and had tears flowing.
And in that moment i knew why God took us away.
No matter what i wouldn't be able to save him. That was his destiny.
And had we been here I would have had the guilt of not saving him, and Lani would have watched her daddy slip away. That would have been her last memory of him, instead of them having a self/dance party on the couch, the night before we left.
I lay in bed for some time and just thought about what happened...
And in the end I felt thankful for God being merciful for all of us.
I am sad that i lost my husband so soon, and Lani will go a lifetime with out her daddy, but...
I now know that Sean did go very quickly.
I know that he is constantly watching over us.
I am thankful that our last moments with him were happy and loving.
NOTE:
I do realize this may just be my mind creating a story to help me deal, but i truly believe God has provided me with many answers during the last 2 months.
Monday, September 1, 2014
A feeling....
From the moment I arrived in Houston I felt overwhelmed with emotions. For 2 years I spent every holiday, long weekend, and summer vacation here. Houston was my second home. As I drove down 45 south I kept thinking, how many times he drove this drive straight from work, just so we could cuddle. He would get there an hour or two before I'd have to wake up. It was a perfect surprise every time.
For a moment it hurt being here because this was the first time I was here without Sean.
Then a calmness and peace set in and I felt at home.
I felt so happy and a huge whole in my heart seemed smaller.
Watching Lani laugh and smile more than I've seen in the last two months, and feeling wrapped in the community of support .
The only tears have been knowing that I have to leave.
SFA Alumni lovingly refer to Nac as "neverland", and being around every one feels exactly like that. While I know it's not a permanent fix for the hurt we are feeling, it is just what we need.
So for now I'm keeping my eyes on the 2nd star the right and straight on til morning!
See you soon Houston
For a moment it hurt being here because this was the first time I was here without Sean.
Then a calmness and peace set in and I felt at home.
I felt so happy and a huge whole in my heart seemed smaller.
Watching Lani laugh and smile more than I've seen in the last two months, and feeling wrapped in the community of support .
The only tears have been knowing that I have to leave.
SFA Alumni lovingly refer to Nac as "neverland", and being around every one feels exactly like that. While I know it's not a permanent fix for the hurt we are feeling, it is just what we need.
So for now I'm keeping my eyes on the 2nd star the right and straight on til morning!
See you soon Houston
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